12 Days of 2018

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Tofino, BC

2018 has been an incredibly unique year, filled with experiences I never thought I’d ever encounter – both positive and negative. I haven’t blogged much over the past year, mainly because I’ve often struggled with the right words to detail what I am feeling. I also have often felt as is my words don’t matter, because I know so many other people close to me going through much worse obstacles. It’s hard for me to really articulate my own feelings when in comparison they feel meaningless to others.

Honestly, I also became really self-conscious about my blogging. I started it as a way to just get my anxiety out, and use it as a tool in my journey to easing my fears. It was also inspiring to receive messages from so many friends and colleagues saying “I understand you, I am going through the same thing, let’s help each other”. I never started doing it for the attention, or to cry “woe is me”. But I started to convince myself that everyone was judging me for writing. That people resented my blog, and saw it as the musings of someone complaining about their “first world problems”. I let the stigma of being open with my illness get to me.

And when I stopped writing, I noticed I got into my own head more this year. I let things fester more. So, in 2019 I am not entirely sure if I’ll continue writing publicly or what I’ll be doing, but I know I need to do more in 2019 in order to find the right key to getting my anxiety under control.

Anyways! Back to the matter at hand – my 12 Days of 2018. In what has become an annual tradition, I like to take some time and reflect on the days – big and small – that have had an impact on my life. It’s often a helpful reminder that things aren’t always bad, and that even though another year has flown by, a lot has happened.

Merry Christmas everyone – and stay tuned for the upcoming rankings of my year in concerts!

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Blyde Canyon, South Africa

March 15th 2018

Let’s get this one out of the way shall we? This was a horrible day. It’ll unfortunately stick with me for the rest of my life. It was the day we were robbed at gunpoint in Johannesburg. I don’t want to re-hash the exact details of what happened. It’s not what’s important here. The aftermath is. We continued on with our trip with the goal of finishing out the remaining three weeks we had planned in South Africa. However, about 48 hours after the robbery, the levels of anxiety and fear I was feeling were unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was terrified. I honestly believed that if we remained in that country we weren’t going to make it out alive. In the end, we cut the trip short and came home early. I had hoped that once we got home I’d return to “normal”. But that wasn’t the case. I spent the next couple of weeks at home cycling between anger, jealously, resentment, and found myself unable to make the simplest of decisions. Nothing felt right. I was incredibly angry that this happened to us. We also felt embarrassed and ashamed that we chose to come home. It felt like we were a bunch of cowardly losers. I have to say it took me a long time to start losing a lot of these emotions, and even then they still come up. I still have a hard time seeing everyone’s vacation photos on social media. I hate that this day is a moment in my life. I mourn the loss of the memories we didn’t get to make. Honestly, I could continue to ramble on about the after effects this day has had. Despite all the negative “side-effects”, I will say, nothing has made me more grateful for the country I live in and the city I live in than being exposed to such desperate conditions. Canadians have it very good. We should never forget that and always keep fighting to make it better.

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Nambiti Game Reserve, South Africa

March 18th 2018

The trip to South Africa wasn’t a complete waste, and it did provide me with one of the most epic moments of my life. On this morning, the day after we decided to come home early, we were on our final game drive as part of our stay at a safari lodge. (Side note – the staff at our lodge were some of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. They were so helpful and supportive of our situation, and truly opened their hearts to us. I could write an entire blog post about them alone). We were staying on a HUGE nature reserve, home to the African Big 5 and a whole host of other animals. It was incredible. But on this morning, as the sun was rising, we stumbled upon a pride of lions. The park is so big that often the game rangers “lose” sight of animals for weeks at a time. We later learned the rangers had been looking for the lions for the past several weeks to no avail. But then, finally on that morning we were the lucky jeep! It was so overwhelming to see these incredible creatures in the flesh that I started to cry. I took it as a hopeful sign that things were going to be OK, and to remember that there is beauty all around us. It was also just really freaking cool.

April 14th 2018

A simple day on my calendar, but no less memorable. There was a huge snowstorm in Toronto on this day. My good friend Sarah & I were still determined to hang out, so we went to a local bar to watch the Raptors first playoff game. We had a great time, and it was one of the first times I remember just laughing, having fun, and not thinking about our recent trauma. Then sadly, I received some sad news about my co-worker Steve Hudson. Steve lost his battle with pancreatic cancer on this day. Another one of life’s reminders to be thankful for each day and each moment you can spend with friends and loved ones. You truly don’t know what’s around the corner, and Steve’s short battle with cancer was a stark reminder of that.

May 17th 2018

I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by a strong group of women, and on this night we had just about all of us in one place as we went for dinner at a tiki bar! It’s tough to get us all in one place sometimes. Some of my friends are young moms, another friend is battling cancer, and the rest of us are just overworked with jobs and social obligations. But it’s wonderful for me to get us all together so we can appreciate having each other. Thanks ladies for all you do in my life!

July 20th 2018

This was really an entire weekend – Sean & I spent the weekend up in Huntsville with a group of friends. What makes this weekend so memorable for me is that it was a carefree weekend (well, relatively, up until a rogue football caused some trouble, and a floating peacock escaped), with a group of people that have embraced me. I’m always really honoured that Sean’s friends have welcomed me so much (more on that later), and I’m really thankful to call all of them friends. I’m so glad we put the wheels in motion to make this weekend happen. It was a good reminder of why it’s important to get plugging away to actually make plans happen – versus always lamenting about all the things we didn’t do. It’s one of the positives that South Africa reminded me – if you have the chance to do something, DO IT. Don’t sit around and wait for it to happen, make it happen.

August 27th 2018

On this day I had the chance to do something rare in life – which is complete a full circle. There’s part of my backstory that I don’t talk about much. Before I was born my parents lived briefly in Nanaimo, British Columbia. And before me, they had another daughter. April Dawn was my mom’s first child, and by all accounts was an angel on earth. She loved horses. And it was April who made the final call to move to Nanaimo form Welland after she says she was visited by an angel who told her it would be the best time of her life. The angel was right, my sister loved BC. But then tragically, in February 1983, my sister was crossing the road to visit her beloved horses when she was struck and ultimately killed by an impaired driver. She was only 7. My parents immediately left Nanaimo, and haven’t been back since. I was born two years later. On August 27th I closed that circle and went back to pay tribute to April. Sean & I left flowers alongside heartfelt letters. I finally saw with my own eyes the neighbourhood they lived in, the school she went to, and got to experience what it would have been like to cross the ferry from Vancouver. It’s a moment I am so thankful for, and a memory I will cherish with me always.

And PS… don’t ever drive impaired.

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From the ferry ride to Vancouver Island

August 28th 2018

After stopping in Nanaimo, Sean & I drove onto Tofino. And, WOW. I truly left a piece of my heart in Tofino. What an incredible place. The best part of Tofino, though, was learning to surf! It was such a huge challenge, and I loved every second of it. I had so many doubts about being able to surf (what if I re-damaged my nerves, what if I drowned, etc), that I am so happy I put all of them to rest and just fully enjoyed the moment. I can see why so many people adopt a nomadic lifestyle in order to make surfing such a big part of their lives. It was incredibly addicting, and I hope our next trip together includes some more ocean time! It was another good reminder that it’s important to challenge yourself, set new goals, and try something that makes you a little uncomfortable – because the results may surprise you.

September 8th 2018

One thing I discovered this year is RuPaul’s Drag Race. I cannot recommend this show enough. Not only is it the perfect show to binge watch when you want a good laugh, I actually find it’s taught me a lot about myself. Drag is all about challenging perceptions and rules. Growing up, I was never confident in myself. I often cycle through phases where I hate my clothes, my hair, my appearance, etc. I’ll admit that I keep my makeup pretty simple mainly because I feel like a fraud when I wear it. I honestly believe that people will look at me wearing lipstick and think “what a loser, she looks so terrible. She’s trying way too hard to fit in and be cool”. It’s a holdover from my teenaged years when I really felt down on myself. But, I love makeup. I love seeing how it can transform you, and be something fun to play around with. I don’t really think of makeup as something I “have” to do. I think of it as something where I can play around with my features and make myself stand out from the crowd. So, on September 8th I met up with two friends, MC & Vicky, to attend the RuPaul Drag Race Werk the World show, and damnit, I curled my hair and put lipstick on. I did it to challenge myself, to make myself feel worthy of dressing up. If I don’t challenge my insecurities, then they win. And like Mama Ru says, “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love anybody else, can I get an amen?”

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Crystal Beach

October 6th 2018

Thanksgiving in Niagara is one of my favourite times of the year. we had a lot of wonderful memories visiting my family this year, but it felt most fitting to include Thanksgiving to this list, since after all, it’s the holiday meant to make you most appreciative for all you’ve been blessed with. I’m very lucky to have a supportive family. And as a side bonus, we got to celebrate my cousin’s engagement!

October 21st 2018

I think this day makes the list every year, but once again completing the Scotiabank Waterfront 5km race was especially satisfying this year. It’s been a long road in the recovery process with my ulnar nerve injury. I haven’t run much at all over the course of this year, as having my elbows bent for any prolonged period often causes pain and numbness. But, I woke up early on a Sunday morning and found myself running one of my best times in several years. I broke the sub-30 minute mark again for my finish time, and I was completely thrilled. It proved to myself that I am making progress and am slowly getting back into fighting shape.

November 2nd 2018

I alluded to this earlier, but I am always so incredibly thankful that Sean’s friends have embraced me like they have. And on this night I had the honour of being part of our friend Val’s bachelorette party. It really meant a lot to me to be invited and included, and to share this experience with everyone. And of course, it was an incredibly fun night filled with some pretty lasting memories (even with a minor detour at the end of the night).

November 3rd 2018

The night after Val’s epic bachelorette party, Sean & I had a rare night out. Normally our weekends are filled with running errands, other social obligations, or just taking a chance to relax at home.  But earlier in the year Sean had surprised me with tickets to Come From Away, the musical about the town of Gander, Newfoundland in the wake of the September 11th attacks. So we made it into a date night, complete with a delicious meal at one of our favorite restaurants beforehand. Not only was it special to spend a night out just the two of us (I am an incredibly lucky girl to have Sean in my life), but the show itself was an absolute joy to watch. I wholeheartedly loved it from start to finish, even crying several times throughout the show. I don’t get out to live theatre performances as often as I should, and normally I don’t like musicals, but this was a special experience. I’m so thankful Sean finally listened to my constant chatter about this show, and treated us to a lovely night out.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Merry Christmas everyone! Take care of yourselves in 2019

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In Like a Lion

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Missing the soothing waters of the Gulf!

So February absolutely flew by! Between a quick trip to Montreal as part of Sean’s Christmas gift, and my BFF vacation to Mexico, it’s hard to believe that March is already in full swing. I have to admit, I missed having specific goals in February like I did in January. Being busy is good, but the OCD in me loves rules, guidelines, and deadlines!

Coming back from Mexico, I was hit with the infamous stomach bug that travelers often face when heading South to resorts. So I went back on the IR and couldn’t exercise immediately following my return to Canada. This was at first hard to accept because there were so many times on vacation where I’d look at photos of myself in a bikini and be disgusted at what I saw. I hated my stomach. In some pictures it would look OK, but in others all I saw was fat. I was so embarrassed of myself. I thought I had no business in a bikini.

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One of many photos of myself that left me feeling horrible about my body. In hindsight, I realize how foolish I am to judge so harshly.

Whenever I get sick I struggle so much with being “forced” to do things differently. I like to do things on my terms. So when an illness keeps me from running, biking, or eating what I want, it makes me upset. I get down on myself. I start to think I’m going to lose all of the strength I’ve built up. I wonder how many people I will let down. I think about how it means I’ll be awful at the Ride to Conquer Cancer. One morning when I sat on the couch bawling, and saying all of these things to Sean he asked me “why do you keep piling on?! Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Anxiety just catches me sometimes and gets on top of me. When I am sick, it’s harder to fight it. It makes it easy to think I will never get healthy again. Then the little voice creeps in and says “what if this is actually some form of cancer? Or other terminal illness?” I become less inclined to challenge my thought cycles. This is why I need to stick to therapy and continue to  get back in the habit of recognizing my destructive thought patterns, so when my defenses are down I can still stand as tall as I possibly can. I can’t let being sick absolutely tear down all of my self-esteem and confidence. Being sick is a reality of life, so I can’t let every stomach ache turn into an immediate death sentence. So right here, right now, I am vowing to DESTROY the month of March!

March Goals: 

  • Try at least one new recipe a week from my new cookbook!
  • Get better at getting up early! (I want to get up earlier during the week to focus more on better breakfasts and possibly even sneaking in some early running)
  • LISTEN to my body! Don’t be afraid to SLOW DOWN (It won’t undo ALL of my hard work)
  • Journal more! (I’ve fallen behind and need to get better at my mood journal and challenging my upsetting thoughts)
  • Get my bike tuned up! (I went to the Toronto Bike Show and am feeling inspired to train hard for the Ride to Conquer Cancer! It’s also made me realize that Spring is nearly here, which means getting outside more!)

I am hoping that having some goals and ideas in mind will help keep me motivated, and continue to force me to focus on other challenges other than just getting in shape. I am also really working to try and shift my thinking in terms of finding “happiness” and “satisfaction”. I need to keep asking myself questions like “Why do I think I look bad in a bathing suit?” “What dictates my feelings about myself?” “Would my life truly be “better” if I thought I “looked better” in a bathing suit?” And so on… so far I’ve started reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” which isn’t a book about being disconnected and uncaring, it’s actually about challenging “positive thinking” and making a case for the beauty of suffering, and carefully selecting WHAT to give a f*ck about. So far I am really enjoying it, and am really using it to constructively think about HOW I value things and why!

To tie this all together – going back to my bathing suit photos. I’ve already started asking myself “Would the vacation have been ANY different if I had looked ‘better’?” The answer is, of course, no! I had an absolute blast in Mexico, and how I looked in a bathing suit, workout gear, shorts, WHATEVER, had no bearing on that. The follow-up question is also one my therapist would likely ask me – if I am so unhappy with how I look; how do I know that my “goal” image would actually satisfy me? If I weighed 10lbs less, would I actually be happier? Would I then say “that’s enough” or would I instead turn my focus to something else to criticize. I think we all know it would be the latter – I’d just continue to find something else to pick on, instead of looking at what I need to appreciate.

And this will be my overall task for March – while I strive to keep improving, I can’t lose sight of what gives my life value and satisfaction now despite whether or not I achieve some of my other goals.

What are you doing to keep yourself motivated through these last final wintery weeks?

When You Can’t Trust Your Body

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This will now be my third Bell Let’s Talk Day posting. The first one, “When My Body Is My Worst Fear” was my honest admission that I have anxiety and have been dealing with some form of mental health issue since my teen years. Last year, I wrote “What Talking Taught Me” as a way to express my gratitude, as well as share lessons learned in my journey to good mental health. One thing is certain – the best decision I have ever made about my own mental wellness is speaking up. Last year with my article, I hoped to show others suffering in silence that things can change.

This year, I wanted to go back and talk about what it’s actually like to suffer from health anxiety in particular, and the way my mind works when it comes to my body. I find what helps most to break the stigma around mental illness is talking through our experiences. Through this, we can find common ground with people, and find common solutions. Supporting each other is key to recovery, and what better way to do that than through understanding.

One of the things I continue to struggle with most is trust. I don’t really know when to believe the “signals” my body is sending me. I’ve spent so many years terrified of every sneeze, ache, twinge, spasm, and headache, that it sometimes is impossible for me to tell the difference between a real symptom and a fake one brought on by my anxiety. How vigilant do you consider yourself of your own aches and pains? Do you know how many times a day you feel a pain in your side? How about a spasm somewhere? Do you regularly check your heart beat? Do you remember the last time you had a headache? Do you know exactly how many times you sneezed this morning? Usually, I know the exact answers to all of these questions. This over-monitoring has led me to be incredibly sensitive about any little thing that happens with my body.

It might seem that being acutely aware of your body is a GOOD thing, but anxiety takes advantage of this. Just Google a phrase like “anxiety causing fake symptoms” and see what comes up. Pages and pages of studies, patient questions, etc, of people dealing with symptoms brought on solely because of anxiety. YES – Your body is actually capable of tricking you into thinking you are truly experiencing something! The flip side is, of course, that when my body produces real symptoms – back pain, sore knee, fever, my brain begins to work in overdrive thinking of the WORST.POSSIBLE.OUTCOMES.

Speaking of Google – fellow health anxiety sufferers please STOP asking the internet to diagnose your symptoms. Take it from me – I have convinced myself I have everything from MS to a brain tumour just based on what some sites tells me. It’s a habit that took years to break, but I am so thankful I have (to an extent…). Also – know when to stop reading an article if it’s going to trigger you. I have lost count of how many stories I’ve read about people dying of cancer that have led me on furious Internet searches looking for what symptoms the person had, how they had it diagnosed, etc. I sometimes now have to force myself to stop reading, so I don’t get caught in the cycle.

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But getting back to trusting in my own body, I want to walk through an example and in this case it’s something I have dealt with since being a teenager – heart palpitations. I still remember the first time I ever had one. I was in the movie theatre, eating nachos with gooey cheese when suddenly I had this bizarre flutter in my chest. It scared the hell out of me. It felt like my heart had stopped beating for a split second and then suddenly kick-started itself. I actually stopped eating my nachos entirely because I was scared THE NACHOS were causing my heart to beat irregularly (because you know… somehow nachos can instantly impact my organs like that). I told my parents about it when I got home, and my mom told me that is what her palpitations felt like. Years later, in 2013, I had them tested. That was when I was in a very hypersensitive state, and I was having a lot of severe anxiety symptoms. My palpitations were increasing in frequency and I was terrified that I was on the verge of a heart attack.

The doctor sent me home with a monitor, and anytime I felt a palpitation I was to hit a button, and the monitor would record the event. I had to wear electrode pads on two places on my chest, and somehow had to disguise all the wires every day because I was so embarrassed that I was walking around hooked up to a machine. The results all eventually came back clear – my palpitations are benign. Both my family doctor and therapist at the time explained to me that palpitations are often caused by stress and anxiety. Even just THINKING about palpitations can trigger them. If I calmed down, they would start to become less and less frequent. Easier said than done when at the time I was spending most of my day paying close attention to my pulse, heart beat, and any sensations that could possibly be a palpitation. Breathing exercises to calm myself down rarely worked because I actually got SCARED as I performed them. I became so focused on what my breathing sounded like, and how hard my heart was pumping that I actually was getting MORE anxious as I tried them.

But your heart is important – quite literally without it, you die. So when it has fooled you in the past, how do you really know when it needs real attention? And then begins the next struggle – deciding when to go to the doctor. It’s a real fine line for people with health anxiety. Some, and this once included myself, go to the doctor for every symptom they feel. But you eventually wear out your welcome and the doctor can begin to tune you out and dismiss your fears. Which of course, only fuels your unrelenting suspicions that something is SERIOUSLY wrong with you. So, I set “standards” for going to the doctor (outside of obvious emergencies, like a possibly broken limb or a high fever).

  • Have my symptoms been going on for more than a week? 
  • Are they getting progressively worse and worse as the days/hours go by?
  • Have I had this before? What did the doctor say then? 
  • Can this be explained by anything I have recently done? 
  • Do I have this symptom even when I am not thinking about it? 

See that last question – how often have you had to ask yourself that? For many of you, the answer is probably never. That’s the luxury of trusting your body. You KNOW it isn’t tricking you, because it’s never done it before. For me – I have to be certain “it’s not just all in my head” before going to the doctor. Because I’m always afraid that when I do go to the doctor, I’ll be dismissed because I can’t actually prove the symptom is real.

And getting dismissed is the hardest part. Because at the end of the day – all of this boils down to a fear of dying. More specifically – dying at the result of something I could have stopped. I always think – well what if this stomach ache is actually the beginning of stomach cancer, and if I catch it now I will survive? Or – what if this headache is actually a stroke and if I don’t get to the hospital in the next hour I will die? And even – if I don’t ask the doctor about my heart TODAY, what if I die in my sleep tonight? As I’ve said over and over, anxiety is a control freak. Anxiety makes you think you need to control EVERYTHING so you can stop worrying about EVERYTHING. By controlling my health, I will control what kills me.

So while I have improved over the years, it is still an ongoing battle with myself about when to raise alarm bells and questions about various symptoms and experiences I have with my body. I wish I knew definitively when my body was lying. I wish there was an app I could open that would say “Just your anxiety. You’re 100% fine today” or “You’ve just got a slight cold. You’re operating at about 75% today”. But until then, I’ll stick to my plans of regular physicals, working on calming my anxiety, and avoiding asking the Internet what my symptoms mean. I also have to work on forgiveness – because if I do get really sick, I have to be able to remind myself that it isn’t my fault. As badly as I want to, I can’t control everything – especially  how I’ll die. And then, I just have to hold onto the hope that things will slowly get better, and I’ll slowly stop being afraid.

Thank you for reading! If you are just reading my blog for the first time – welcome! I hope you will all join me on Twitter today to raise money, and awareness, for Mental Health. Remember to use #BellLetsTalk so Bell will donate money towards initiatives in this country to help those in need. 

 

 

12 Days of 2016

As a throwback to last year’s post, I have decided to make this an annual blog posting. 2016 was another year of learning, and growth. While I stumbled a little, and dealt with some old anxiety induced habits, I still feel as though I am on the path to getting better and better.

So, in no particular order, here are 12 days that made an impact on my life in 2016.

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Can you see the tears? I was bawling my eyes out!

12) January 1, 2016

Seems fitting to start at the beginning, no? This was a big day. It marked the official first full day (sun up, to sun down), that Sean and I began the adventure of living together! Yes, we made the awful decision to move during the holidays (I do not recommend it). As stressful as moving already is, for me it was extra stressful because due to my LEEP procedure in late 2015, I was unable to lift anything. Thankfully, we had so many wonderful friends help us out on moving day, New Years Eve, it made the day much smoother!

It’s been a wonderful year of living together. While Sean has had an exceptionally busy year work-wise, that even had him in living in Ottawa for a month, it’s been a seamless transition to cohabiting. Our home is cozy. We both love just sitting on our couches, binging TV shows, and having a glass of wine. The balcony in the summer was the perfect way to unwind on the weekends. I love being home, and I love that Sean is part of my home. I am so happy our relationship continues to thrive, and that even though I seem to constantly break our glassware, he doesn’t seem to mind coming home to me either.

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I took this selfie to celebrate my good news!

11) July 7, 2016

This was a pretty ordinary day by most standards – I started off the day at work, then left early for an appointment. Except this was an important appointment. It was THE appointment where my cervix was given the all-clear!! As documented, I’d had some issues with abnormal cells in 2015, and it culminated in getting a LEEP procedure done. I was really worried that perhaps the treatment hadn’t worked, and that all of the cells weren’t collected. Or worse, that perhaps things had just kept progressing, and that now they would find cancer. But despite my catastrophic thinking – I was given the green light! Officially – I had to wait until the last round of pap smears came back, and the HPV test. But a few weeks later, a letter arrived in the mail confirming that my pap was normal, the HPV test was negative, and I was considered officially discharged from the Women’s Clinic at St. Michael’s Hospital. It was an incredible relief.

10) April 14, 2016

I learned something important on this day – that few things in life are better than spending a day by the ocean, and then heading out to watch your favourite hockey team host a Playoff game! I’ve been cheering for my beloved Panthers since I was 9. But up until this day I had never been to a game in person. It was everything I had hoped it would be!! While the Panthers lost Game 1 (they’d go on to win Game 2); the experience was unforgettable. I finally was able to meet some longtime internet friends as well, icing on top of the cake. What a great week, and can’t wait to go back again hopefully!!

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9) October 14, 2016

This was a “down” day for me. On the surface – I should have been really excited. It was the night of Boobyball – an incredible fundraising event for breast cancer. But I was dreading it. It was a “themed” event, which meant my OCD/anxiety was convincing me that every piece of clothing that I did own, which loosely fit the event’s jungle theme, wasn’t good enough. I went shopping but found nothing. And so my thought cycle began. I didn’t think I’d fit in. I felt as though I’d be caught out as an impostor, and that I didn’t belong there. I didn’t feel pretty enough to be going. I felt like a loser trying to fit in with the cool kids. I thought long and hard about cancelling. The weather was also terrible. It seemed as though it just wasn’t meant to be. But, I put on my best outfit, got my hair to look just right, and dragged myself out the door.

When I got to Val & John’s place, I realized that Val was feeling the same – and it was oddly comforting to know I wasn’t alone. And in the end – it was a fantastic night. I realized once I got there, that I could fit in, and that none of my fears really mattered. I had a blast. And I am so thankful I didn’t let my anxiety get the best of me. I could have easily stayed home, and fell into a deeper hole. Instead, I went against my thoughts and had so much fun.

8) January 25, 2016

What a powerful evening. TEALPOWER Presents: From Broadway With Love – an evening of song in memory of the incredible Alison Salinas. It wasn’t just a fundraiser, or a celebration of life. It was a lot more than that, and it’s hard to put it all into words. It made you realize the impact one life can leave behind. One person can change the world. It reminded me to live in the moment, to live fully, and to love fully. It was so beautiful to see so many people paying tribute to one person. It also raised an incredible amount of money for cancer research. I am so proud to have volunteered,and play a very very very tiny role in this night. I won’t forget the voices I heard. I will carry this night with me always.

7) May 29, 2016

The annual BFF vacation! This time, MC and I visited Washington DC, and although it was sweltering hot, it was yet another great memory to add to our vault. I am so thankful for the times I get to spend with my BFF, especially just the two of us, and I am so happy we’ve been lucky enough to travel together for the last few years. Our next trip is coming up in February, so get ready Mexico – WE’RE COMING BACK!

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6) January 30, 2016

In a similar vein as above, this one is about friendship. Sarah hosted a bunch of us ladies over to her place for wine, snacks, and good laughs. I think it shows that often the simplest plans can have the best memories. It was a great way to spend a cold, wintery night, and it turned out to be one of the few nights our whole group of girlfriends could all get together. (Or mostly all of us). Friendships like these, and my BFF, are what I am often most thankful for – and what make me happiest in life. I hope in 2017 we get to take more chances like this, and spend more nights laughing, sharing memories, and helping each other out.

5) December 4, 2016 

This one is just pure sentiment. I love Christmas. I actually  have dreams where I have panic attacks because I’ve missed watching my favourite Christmas specials. I love decorating for Christmas and making the house feel EXTRA cozy. So imagine my excitement when Sean and I FINALLY took our tree out of the box. (Yes, we have an artificial tree. The Christmas purist/environmental nut in me died a little when we bought it). To me; this is one of those times when the “little” moments mean the most. Sean & I ended up having a very nice day together. We went skating in the morning, then we watched football and decorated the tree. We even cranked some Christmas tunes. Now, our house is possibly the most adorable apartment in the history of all apartments (but I might be biased). And it’s extra special because it’s the first of hopefully many to come.

4) January 4, 2016 

Moving into a new neighbourhood had one big advantage – there is a Goodlife gym right across the street. I am not usually a “gym” person, but I was determined to get back into shape, and re-teach myself how to use weights. While I still have some goals to achieve, I can honestly sit here and say I am 100000x happier with my body today than I was when I signed up for the gym. I now crush circuit workouts, know how to use the TRX bands, feel confident again with weights, and am quite possibly stronger than I have been in years. I love going to the gym and seeing what new boundary I can push. I also love being at the gym because it gives me a great excuse to unplug from my phone. This Goodlife has terrible reception, so I can’t even be on social media even if I wanted to. So it’s fantastic – I can check out from the noise of social media, work, etc and just focus on working up a great sweat and pumping some energetic tunes. Can I also come out and admit I LOVE spin class? It feels great to be getting my body in shape, and using my energy for good instead of wasting it on anxiety.

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Summer night at BMO Field; oddly enough against Seattle…

3) November 30, 2016 

There were a lot of big sporting moments this year, and in regards to Toronto FC especially, I went back and forth over which day I wanted to include – home opener, this game, or the MLS Cup. In the end, I’ve decided to include the Eastern Final Leg #2 match against the Impact. The atmosphere was unlike anything I’d ever experienced at BMO Field. It was electric. Not to mention – they also won in exciting fashion. Even though it was a cold, rainy night – I was working up a sweat and peeling off layers because I was jumping and screaming so much. I can honestly say it was one of the best sports moments I’ve ever witnessed. Sadly, they went on to lose the MLS Cup; and that night too was incredible despite the loss; but I am going to choose to focus on the positive instead! It always feels good to beat the Impact anyways!!! (Sorry Sean…)

2) April 26, 2016

It’s always difficult to say goodbye to loved ones, and we said goodbye to Granny on this day. My mom’s side of the family is very close – we’re a small group, and we look out for each other. What’s also amazing for me is that there are a lot of females on that side of the family, so I’ve always had strong female role models to look up to. Granny was one of them. However, there is always comfort in how families come together in difficult times, and this was no exception. In the end, we put together a celebration she would have been proud of, at her favourite restaurant no less. Her memory will live on in all of us, as we’ll never get tired of telling our favourite Olga stories.

1) June 12, 2016

The Ride To Conquer Cancer – one of the best weekends of my life. June 12th was the day we rode across the finish line in Niagara Falls. It is hard to describe the wave of emotions that comes across you as you complete the Ride. For the first time, I cried as I crossed the line. I thought I would cry at my Half Marathon finish, but I didn’t. But after two grueling days, the sudden surge of pride, accomplishment, happiness, and exhaustion just overcame me. It was powerful. We crossed as a team, and hugged each other. My family was waiting for me – the first time they’d seen me cross a finish line. I was so proud of myself, and my fellow Team Tealpower members. We did an amazing thing to help so many lives, and we did it in memory of a beautiful person. I also did it as a show of support for everyone in my life who has been impacted by cancer – aunts, my grandfather, my mother, friends, co-workers, and even just people I’ve known in passing. It was also amazing for me to push my body like that – and come out strong on the other side. I will never forget that weekend, and always be so thankful I was able to participate. I can’t wait for 2017’s ride!

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My Tealpower teammates and I. This was taken on Day Two

So what’s next? Well, here’s what I hope to achieve and experience in 2017 (not a full list, of course):

-Become a faster knitter (I’d like for it to not take me three months to finish a scarf)

-Finally master push-ups

-Write more often (I actually have a bunch of half-written blog posts that need my attention)

-Run a new race

-Try a new recipe (or two, or three)

-Visit my family as often as possible

-Watch Season 4 of The Wire

What days impacted you this year? What are your hopes for 2017? I don’t believe in resolutions per se, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having new goals for the year. (I just encourage them to be realistic, and also to not be too angry with yourself if you break your “resolution” by January 2nd)

Merry Christmas everyone! Stay tuned for the annual year-end concert rankings!

The Guilt of Being Happy

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Getting back into a regular exercise routine has done wonders for me, especially as my one-year “being on meds” anniversary came and went. As I’ve written, my self-confidence went on a roller coaster ride late last year. I gained some weight. I picked up bad habits. And along that messy journey, I just felt awful about myself. Like really bad. It was a hit my self-confidence hadn’t taken since graduating university.

But I’ve come a long way. I feel miles better about myself. I am getting stronger. I’ve already seen my muscles change shape in some areas of my body, and slowly but surely I am getting back my running legs, and my endurance. My mood is better. My energy levels have even skyrocketed. The hardest part though, is that I find myself often getting riddled with guilt and usually for entirety dumb reasons.

I’ve made a few sacrifices on this road. I signed up for personal training, and a gym membership, both of which were financial hits. Who knew if I’d like training? What if I never used the gym? But sometimes I feel bad for spending that money. Maybe I should be saving it. What if I’ll need it for an emergency down the road? What if I can’t afford a trip later this year because I’ve spent so much on  myself? Does that make me a bad person? It’s the strange way anxiety works. “Oh what’s this – you’re happy about something – TIME TO BRING THAT FEELING CRASHING DOWN”. But I know that in order to get in shape, I do need to work at it. And I do have a lot to learn when it comes to strength training, and correcting various imbalances in my muscles. Like with my recovery from anxiety, I couldn’t do that on my own. So for now, I’ve swapped a therapist for a personal trainer. As for the gym membership – I’ve been setting foot in that building at least 4 – 5 times a week since I signed up, so I’d say I am getting my money’s worth.

Diet hasn’t been too much of a change for me. Like my hypersensitivity to my body, I am diligent about what I eat and drink. I rarely drink pop, or juice. I usually just drink water or tea. On occasion I have a latte. I don’t even consume energy drinks or things like Gatorade. We rarely eat out, and when I do I try to make “healthy” choices. I started a food journal at the request of my trainer – but I have to admit. I can’t be a calorie counter. I can’t obsess over my food. Why? Because I suspect I’d pretty quickly fall victim to an eating disorder. I feel keeping a food journal is already causing me to become to obsessive about what I eat. I don’t want to fear food, or feel guilty when I eat something. I feel like anyone who reads my journal will judge me, and criticize me. Almost as if my choices will cause disappointment from others. Sean bought me some amazing chocolates for Valentine’s and it took me about three weeks to eat them all because I couldn’t bring myself to eat more than one or two in a sitting. I thought if I spread them out, it’d be easier to burn off the calories. But I do truly believe that life is too short to forbid yourself from eating certain foods, or indulging every now and then. Will skipping that one cupcake really be the difference? Sure you can make the argument that over time skipping the cupcake each time makes a big difference. But would you be any happier? I know I wouldn’t be. I’d be miserable for skipping that cupcake over and over. But then, my anxiety just won’t let me win, and when I do eat the cupcake I find myself thinking “well, there goes my hope of fitting back into those jeans again. You know this is like 600 calories. That’s an hour of running. Was that worth it?”

I also have to admit, cutting back on alcohol has also been difficult. I rarely drink throughout the week, and mostly drink on weekends. It’s not that I need to be drunk all the time, or anything like that, but I do enjoy the “treat” on the weekend of trying new beers, or enjoying a glass of wine with dinner. But I often find myself getting angry at myself. “Why did you have that second glass of wine? You don’t need it, and you just drank another 300 calories.” I find myself wondering just how much more weight I could lose if I gave up alcohol altogether. I have a horrible habit of comparing my body to that of all the others I see in the gym. It leaves me feeling depressed. I think “I’ll never look like that.” And that is always in the back of my mind every single time I take a sip of alcohol. And that attitude is only going to be more detrimental to my weight loss.

So how do I win? How do I make myself be OK with indulging? I haven’t figured that out yet. Trouble is, I don’t think I will be able to be OK with these things until I “look good” in my own mind. I won’t be able to really enjoy that cupcake until I fit back into my favourite pair of jeans. And I know, weight loss is all about sacrifices. But I also know that you can’t withhold everything from yourself, that’s how binge eating happens (which can really undo a lot of your hard work.) I just need to determine how I can re-wire my thinking. I need to challenge my thoughts. But anyone with anxiety can tell you, battling yourself is probably the most difficult one to wage, mentally. It’s like that little voice inside of you just NEVER gives up. It has a stubbornness you didn’t know existed.

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Gotta be more like this girl – who was extremely proud to finish this race in under an hour for the first time.

I guess I’ll just keep lacing up, and moving forward. I have to learn to forgive myself. I have to go a little easier on myself. The more I push myself in the gym, the more results I will see. I have to remind myself, I’ve seen results even with the small diet modifications I’ve made. One glass of wine, or two, won’t cause me to gain 10lbs. I should be thankful for the body I have now, and for the health I have. There are so many people out there who have bigger problems than I do. I have to remind myself I am healthy, and doing all of the right things to stay on track. I need to love myself a little more. I need to stop looking at others and comparing my body to theirs. I don’t know their lives, or how they achieved those results. I’ll just keep repeating those things, and hope it keeps that voice at bay. Even if it’s just for a few moments, it’ll be worth it. Once again I will remind myself that anxiety is stealing moments from me, moments that I deserve to use for happiness.

Thanks as always for reading. Follow me on social media for more random thoughts, updates, and musings. And also, please consider donating to my Ride To Conquer Cancer page – you’ll help save lives, and help me achieve my mental health goals. 

 

 

 

It’s the Little Things

Sugar cookies covered in sprinkles (baked by me)
Sprinkles = happiness

One of the most common questions I had following my original blog post was “can you talk more about the journals?” I want to focus on my happiness journal a little more because I think it’s a fantastic way for people with anxiety to help calm themselves down, especially before bed.

First off – some backstory on the journal itself. I came across the idea on Lifehacker and immediately loved it. It’s a simple daily task where you stop at the end of each day and write down three positive things. This can be anything that made you smile, laugh or boosted your mood. I’ve written down everything from “eating chocolates on the couch” to “completing my first Half Marathon”. It can be the big moments in your day, or the little moments. Often times I have trouble deciding which three things I want to write about! And yes, I do have days where I struggle to think of three things that made me happy. Sometimes, bad days just happen. But what it does help teach you is you should take time each day to actually think about your experiences, and think about the good things in your day. I also love going back and reading good things that happened to me months ago. This comes in handy for those bad days I referenced earlier. It helps remind you that despite today being crap, tomorrow could be amazing. It sounds so cliche but it’s true.

I also highly recommend doing this at night because as many anxiety sufferers will tell you, your mind can often race the most when you’re just about to close your eyes. You’re totally exhausted physically, but your mind wants to run a marathon. And it’s awful. It’s also not productive, because I don’t know about you but often the stuff I think about before falling asleep is long forgotten by the time I wake up. Or I sit there and imagine horrible scenarios that could happen (often, it’s thinking about whether tonight is the night I die in my sleep). Of course I wake up and feel stupid for even thinking something bad would happen to me while I slept. So keeping the journal changes your focus, and gets your brain in a better place before crawling into bed. It’s easier to shut out the anxiety when you can counter it with “but yeah, remember how much fun I had at work today… it was so funny when…” and before you know it, you’re asleep.

So, those little moments. Doesn’t anxiety love to steal those little moments? Anxiety, to me, is all about focusing on the little things and blowing them out of proportion. If you’re like me, it’s getting a headache and believing it to be THAT headache that lands you in the ER. You often aren’t sitting there worrying about big problems. I rarely sit and ponder the plight of poverty in this country, but it should consume me more often because quite frankly it is a subject worth caring about. Wondering whether I’ve annoyed my boyfriend because I sent three texts in a row, isn’t worth my time. But anxiety doesn’t think that way. It wants you to sit there and torture yourself over the tiniest details. The journal is your way to take that and throw it back in anxiety’s face.

I’ve always been someone who gets excited about the smallest things. Literally. I follow a hedgehog on Instagram because he is ridiculously cute and always makes me smile. If I were a cat, I’d be more excited for the box than the toy. This journal is the perfect way to remind myself to keep that part of me alive and vibrant. That should be the part of my personality that shines through on a regular basis. I found myself appreciating those little moments this weekend. I had a bad day on Friday but found happiness in sitting on my boyfriend’s couch, sipping a chai tea latte, and listening to some good music. On Sunday we gathered our friends together to watch the Super Bowl, but one of my favourite parts of the day was baking my sugar cookies (pictured above). I love to bake, and I love sprinkles, so getting to combine those two things was a fantastic way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

For those of us stuck in the anxiety trap, we need to hold onto those little moments that make us smile. Too often our illness robs of us enjoying those times. You miss laughing at someone’s joke, because your mind was a thousand miles away obsessing over something someone said to you in passing five hours ago. You burn your batch of cookies because you aren’t paying attention to the timer on the oven, instead you’re staring at your closet trying to decide what to wear for work tomorrow that will make you feel like you fit in. We deserve better than that. We deserve to enjoy every bite of those sugar cookies. So that’s why no matter how busy my life gets, I do my best to sit down and write down those three happy things. (And yes, sometimes it means sitting down and going over the past week because I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to do it for 6 days…)

Trust me, before you know it you’ll be enjoying those moments in your day and thinking “I am going to write this down tonight.”

As always you can follow me on Twitter for more info or write in the comments.