In Like a Lion

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Missing the soothing waters of the Gulf!

So February absolutely flew by! Between a quick trip to Montreal as part of Sean’s Christmas gift, and my BFF vacation to Mexico, it’s hard to believe that March is already in full swing. I have to admit, I missed having specific goals in February like I did in January. Being busy is good, but the OCD in me loves rules, guidelines, and deadlines!

Coming back from Mexico, I was hit with the infamous stomach bug that travelers often face when heading South to resorts. So I went back on the IR and couldn’t exercise immediately following my return to Canada. This was at first hard to accept because there were so many times on vacation where I’d look at photos of myself in a bikini and be disgusted at what I saw. I hated my stomach. In some pictures it would look OK, but in others all I saw was fat. I was so embarrassed of myself. I thought I had no business in a bikini.

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One of many photos of myself that left me feeling horrible about my body. In hindsight, I realize how foolish I am to judge so harshly.

Whenever I get sick I struggle so much with being “forced” to do things differently. I like to do things on my terms. So when an illness keeps me from running, biking, or eating what I want, it makes me upset. I get down on myself. I start to think I’m going to lose all of the strength I’ve built up. I wonder how many people I will let down. I think about how it means I’ll be awful at the Ride to Conquer Cancer. One morning when I sat on the couch bawling, and saying all of these things to Sean he asked me “why do you keep piling on?! Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Anxiety just catches me sometimes and gets on top of me. When I am sick, it’s harder to fight it. It makes it easy to think I will never get healthy again. Then the little voice creeps in and says “what if this is actually some form of cancer? Or other terminal illness?” I become less inclined to challenge my thought cycles. This is why I need to stick to therapy and continue to  get back in the habit of recognizing my destructive thought patterns, so when my defenses are down I can still stand as tall as I possibly can. I can’t let being sick absolutely tear down all of my self-esteem and confidence. Being sick is a reality of life, so I can’t let every stomach ache turn into an immediate death sentence. So right here, right now, I am vowing to DESTROY the month of March!

March Goals: 

  • Try at least one new recipe a week from my new cookbook!
  • Get better at getting up early! (I want to get up earlier during the week to focus more on better breakfasts and possibly even sneaking in some early running)
  • LISTEN to my body! Don’t be afraid to SLOW DOWN (It won’t undo ALL of my hard work)
  • Journal more! (I’ve fallen behind and need to get better at my mood journal and challenging my upsetting thoughts)
  • Get my bike tuned up! (I went to the Toronto Bike Show and am feeling inspired to train hard for the Ride to Conquer Cancer! It’s also made me realize that Spring is nearly here, which means getting outside more!)

I am hoping that having some goals and ideas in mind will help keep me motivated, and continue to force me to focus on other challenges other than just getting in shape. I am also really working to try and shift my thinking in terms of finding “happiness” and “satisfaction”. I need to keep asking myself questions like “Why do I think I look bad in a bathing suit?” “What dictates my feelings about myself?” “Would my life truly be “better” if I thought I “looked better” in a bathing suit?” And so on… so far I’ve started reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” which isn’t a book about being disconnected and uncaring, it’s actually about challenging “positive thinking” and making a case for the beauty of suffering, and carefully selecting WHAT to give a f*ck about. So far I am really enjoying it, and am really using it to constructively think about HOW I value things and why!

To tie this all together – going back to my bathing suit photos. I’ve already started asking myself “Would the vacation have been ANY different if I had looked ‘better’?” The answer is, of course, no! I had an absolute blast in Mexico, and how I looked in a bathing suit, workout gear, shorts, WHATEVER, had no bearing on that. The follow-up question is also one my therapist would likely ask me – if I am so unhappy with how I look; how do I know that my “goal” image would actually satisfy me? If I weighed 10lbs less, would I actually be happier? Would I then say “that’s enough” or would I instead turn my focus to something else to criticize. I think we all know it would be the latter – I’d just continue to find something else to pick on, instead of looking at what I need to appreciate.

And this will be my overall task for March – while I strive to keep improving, I can’t lose sight of what gives my life value and satisfaction now despite whether or not I achieve some of my other goals.

What are you doing to keep yourself motivated through these last final wintery weeks?

#JanGoals: Final Recap!

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Well, January has come and gone, and putting aside the obvious roller coaster ride that has been the news lately, I want this last post on #JanGoals to focus on where I started and how I did with achieving my goals. (Maybe I’ll write something else on keeping your anxiety in check while the world descends into chaos another day).

Goal #1 – “Somewhat Sober January”

I held pretty faithful to this and only had around 14 drinks this month. I say “around” because I wasn’t doing a true count, or counting times I sampled some of the beers Sean would have. The whole point of this month wasn’t to go stone cold sober, or give up alcohol altogether, but it was a good exercise in restraint. It was also helpful to do this while I transition off my medication, as I don’t want the depressants in alcohol further confusing my brain.

Goal #2 – Exercise 5x a Week

Given that I injured my knee, I was unable to stick to this. But I did get the gym a lot, and stayed very active. Even when my knee was sore, I tried to keep walking around, or doing a few laps in the pool we have in our apartment building. I am glad I didn’t push myself too hard and recovered properly.

So how about my stats? Well, let’s put it this way – according to the scale, measurements, and body fat scale – I didn’t change all that much. I lost an inch off my natural waist, and half of an inch off my hips. My body fat actually went up by a 1%. I originally was really mad and disappointed by this. This is where setting goals like this can be tough for someone who struggles with forgiving themselves. I had this idea in my head that I’d drop like 5lbs of fat, or some sort of “drastic” reduction to show that this month was a total success. But as Sean reminded me, weight loss doesn’t happen that fast. What I am trying to focus on is how good I feel. I feel great completing circuits (well, exhausted but great), I am still running at a good pace despite only getting for a run about once a week, and I feel myself getting stronger. My upper body has always been something I’ve wanted to improve on – and slowly but surely I am getting better and better at something as simple as push-ups. So I am trying hard to focus solely on that, and not just the information on the page. It doesn’t tell the whole story.

Goal #3 – Practice more “Mindfulness” 

I’m slowly still reading through my new book and learning new techniques. I’ve definitely needed it at night, as this is when I tend to find my mind racing the most. I find it helpful even just reading about the activities before bed. Overall, I am happy that I am putting more of an effort into healing myself and taking proper time each day to unwind and unplug.

Goal #4 – Stop Taking Anti-Depressants. 

This one was easy at first, but as time goes on I am noticing some of the side effects. I am have times when I have been quite sad and overwhelmed – but once I have a good cry it seems to subside. It also seems to be tied to when I’ve gone two days without a dose. So we’ll see what happens when I come off the drug completely. The nausea seems to have gone away. I have been having vertigo from time to time, but it comes and goes. I still think I am quite lucky overall, as I know many others have had awful experiences.

What I learned, and what’s next

I took away from big lessons this month.

  • Forgive yourself. When I hurt my knee, I was really hard on myself. But the world didn’t end, I didn’t gain 20lbs, or ruin my progress. I confronted my discomfort and came out the other side. Time to be nicer to myself.
  • Cry when you need to. I sometimes hold in my emotions too much and resist the urge to be too upset. But as I go through withdrawal I think I just need to let it out when I need to, and then try to find ways to move on.
  • Winter running is still the best. It just is.
  • I need more protein in my diet. Using my nutrition tracker again is once again showing me how low I am. I gladly welcome any and all suggestions – especially for breakfast (keep in mind, I can’t eat eggs)
  • Drinking an electrolyte beverage each morning is exactly what my body needed. One side effect of my antidepressants is they make me sweat – a lot. I talked to my doctor about it, and some related symptoms I was having, and he suggested adding electrolytes to my diet more frequently. So now I start each day with a serving of Biosteel and I’ve noticed a big difference. I have more energy through the day, and my mind feels sharper. If you’re s sweaty person like me, maybe talk to your doctor if this is right for you too! (I swear I am not being paid by Biosteel!)

Now, rest easy – I won’t be spamming your social media pages through February with #FebGoals. But I do plan to try and keep putting these goals to use all year. I’m going to continue to try new recipes, new exercises, and keep the hangovers to a minimum.

The biggest goal I have for February is to have fun on vacation with my BFF, and not to worry too much about what I look like in a bathing suit. I know I am pressuring myself to look “perfect”. So I have to keep asking myself “what does that mean? Is it realistic? What will happen if I don’t look “perfect”?”

So to anyone who set resolutions or is trying to set new habits – keep believing in yourself and forgive yourself if you stumble a little. Trying is succeeding. Focus on what makes you feel good, what makes you happy. For me – it’s running outside on a January morning and seeing the fat squirrels run around. Maybe for you it’s something else. But find it, challenge yourself, and surprise yourself. And let’s support each other!!!!

Cheers to February being even more badass than January.

 

#JanGoals: Week Three Recap

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So I faced my first real hurdle this week – I injured my knee! It happens to me usually once or twice a year. My knees have caused me issues off and on since high school. (And yes, in true health anxiety fashion I’ve had the issues diagnosed/treated repeatedly). Usually what happens is I do “something” to it, and BOOM, my knee begins to feel tight, it sometimes swells, and becomes painful to bend. Sitting at my desk becomes awkward, stairs are now the enemy, and it just sucks. So cue me being incredibly frustrated because I’ve been off to such an awesome start this January.

And this is the thing – I don’t like being forced to rest. I am terrible at it. On Wednesday morning I spent the first couple of hours that I was awake practically screaming at myself (in my head) “YOU HAVE TO REST TONIGHT. IT WILL BE OKAY IF YOU DON’T WORKOUT. YOU MIGHT MAKE THE INJURY WORSE IF YOU PUSH TOO HARD”. You can ask my mom – even as a kid I hated staying home from school if I was sick. I hate thinking I’ll fall behind. I like to be in control and on top of things. (Classic OCD/anxiety, I know). And it’s also because I hold myself to incredibly high standards. If I tell myself I am working out 5x a week, and I don’t meet that – I consider it a failure. Doesn’t matter the reason.

Obviously – there are ways I can make up for taking a night off. I can double up a workout later this week, for example. And I also know I need to take this as a sign from my body that I am pushing it too hard, too fast. I am definitely the type to run the risk of burning out because I often don’t know when to allow myself to relax and take a break. It’s also difficult to shake the thought that “I failed”. My obsessive thinking goes in all kinds of directions. I start to berate myself  “people with similar injuries still work out!” or “you’re just making an excuse not to workout!” or “you’ll get fat! It’ll ruin everything!!”

Withdrawal 

So this week I started taking Pristiq every third day, and I can honestly say I think I am finally starting to feel the side effects of coming off the drug. On Tuesday I felt nauseous, had a pounding headache, and had moments of feeling “off” all throughout the day. I wasn’t sure though, at the time, if it was the drugs or because the weather was terrible. (When it rains, I feel like crap usually).

And further to the above with my knee – I became incredibly emotional this week. I woke up Saturday morning and immediately starting crying because my knee was still sore. I had been so hopeful that I’d be back to the gym, crushing HIIT workouts. I was a mess. I cried off and on for the better part of a couple hours.

I felt at a loss with what to do with myself Saturday and it largely relates to what I’ve already touched on – I do not like being forced to rest. If I set out to do 5 workouts, then I MUST achieve that. To put it in OCD terms – I need to complete the goal in order to be “perfect”. And so I cried because I knew I wouldn’t be “perfect” this week. I also took the advice of Sean and my BFF Marie-Claude, and rested on Saturday. I did what my therapist often challenges me to do – and I confronted my discomfort. I challenged the idea that I needed to do the workout in order to be “perfect”. I knew deep down that resting was the best option because it’s clear I put my body through too much too soon this month. I also needed to prove to myself that not working out as much this week wouldn’t result in me suddenly gaining 10lbs, or not having any results by the end of the month. I have to show myself that being so hard on myself is a detriment – not a motivator.

I am trying to view this week as a time for learning and reflection, rather than a failure. However, it’s going to take time for that to sink in.

A Note on Rewards 

I was thinking a lot this week too about how to “reward” myself for a job well done this month, and I thought back to some advice I received several years ago when I did a fitness bootcamp. The instructor encouraged everyone not to set goals that included buying new clothing. She was primarily concerned that if someone didn’t quite meet their goal, that they’d become discouraged and stop trying to improve themselves. I think this is a valid reason and I want to throw another reason why you shouldn’t set “size” goals. I tried on some skirts at the mall on Saturday and it is hilarious how wildly sizes can vary from store to store and style to style. I realized I was trying on a size 10 pencil skirt and then looked at my jacket and realized it was a size 2. Riddle me that. So ladies, don’t hold yourself to a size – I am convinced each store just makes it up as they go along anyways.

Mindfulness 

So I bought the book “The Little Pocket Book of Mindfulness” and so far I love it. My favourite new mindfulness technique is an activity the book recommends you try in the shower; but I am finding myself trying it out while getting ready for bed. It’s called “Who are you showering with?” and essentially it forces you to pause your thought cycle, and think about “who” is in the room with you. I use it at night when I find myself going over the events of the day, or what’s going to possibly happen tomorrow. I stop, think about the people I am worrying about – and then in my mind, kick them out of my room! And so far its helped! So I am already happy I spent $20 on this little book.

Booze Count: 3 drinks and I am totally fine with that.

We’re in the home stretch of January! I hope you all are forgiving yourself if you stumble, and sticking to your new goals as best you can! What have you learned about yourself so far?