Today is Bell Let’s Talk, and it’s serving as a good excuse for me to get back to writing, and my series on Grief. Part I focused on the “Shock & Awe”, the initial confusion and disorientation that happens after losing a loved one. For this entry…. we’re going to talk about the darker side of grief.
Anger & Guilt
When we think of anger during the grief process, we think of it as the blame game. We want answers. We want rationalization as to why this possibly could have happened. Some people get angry with their faith. How could their God do this to them?
The anger I’ve been dealing with has often been more abstract. And before I go too far with this… I want to make something very clear, aka, I’m writing this to you Mom… I’m not mad about the events that transpired that night. I’m not mad at my mom, the paramedics, the hospital, none of them. From the way it all happened, there was nothing anybody could have done differently in those moments.
But, my confession is that I sometimes struggle with anger towards my Dad. Why didn’t he go get his heart checked more often? Why was he so stubborn about seeing the doctor? The “what if” scenarios really get under my skin, wondering about what could have been different if he had approached his health care differently. I’m also really angry at him for not being here anymore. How could he just leave us like that?
But deep down I know… I’m not actually angry with him. I’m feeling guilty. Guilt for not being around more when he was alive, not writing down the many stories he used to tell, not chatting with him online more or on the phone, all the times I got annoyed or frustrated with him, the list goes on. I’m actually angry that I didn’t appreciate the moments I had with him more. I’m angry with myself. I’m angry that I don’t live closer to my Mom, that I can’t be there more for day to day things, and that I wasn’t there more often even before all of this.
And that anger has often made it’s way to other people. There’s been times when I have unfairly snapped at Sean, or have been frustrated with others. Often times I may lash out when I feel that I am being asked to do too much. My defenses go up very quickly. My level of patience is very low, and I often find myself feeling annoyed at the smallest of inconveniences.
Anger is an ugly emotion. I feel a lot of physical pain when I am angry. My adrenaline pumps. I get exhausted, but yet, I don’t sleep well. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a darker version of who I really am. It brings out my worst qualities. And it’s also all really confusing. I never feel like I know if I am truly upset about something, or if it’s the grief. I feel like I don’t know myself, and my emotions at times. And I find the anger is hard to overcome, because you can’t resolve it the way you want to. If I were mad at a friend, I could contact them and try to find a solution, or at least have my feelings heard. But here, I can’t do that. I can’t yell at my Dad or ask him questions. I can’t have my feelings truly heard. Because I am talking about more than prayer, or writing in a journal, etc. A face to face conversation cannot happen, and that just feeds the anger even more because it’s all just a reminder that he’s gone. I think, too, the anger we experience when we’re grieving is because we’re exhausted. We’re done. We’re tired of talking, thinking, reacting. We just don’t want to do it anymore because everything feels pointless.
The guilt is really hard. Forgiveness for this type of guilt has to come from within, and as my therapist will tell you, I am extremely hard on myself. I rarely forgive myself. Instead, I tend to use the anger towards myself as a motivator. But that is of course, an unhealthy relationship.
So, for those who have been through this before let’s go with the spirit of today – and let’s talk about the anger, the guilt, the resentment. All those ugly feelings. Get them out into the open. Vent, rant, speak up. And also, share with me how you dealt with it. How did you forgive? How do you cope? Share your stories, and let’s get through this together. Because we can’t carry around these heavy emotions that weigh us down. We need to find freedom.
Thanks for reading, and today I close with The Moody Blues and the song “Question”. A staple in our household. I feel the frenetic energy in this song captures the roller coaster of anger, grief, and longing.
I feel like I broke a bit of a promise. I came out of hiding and wrote my first entry about grieving, and then just stopped… Naturally, one of the blog ideas I have for my informal “series” on grief is about motivation, and how I seem to have lost it. I did really expect to keep writing, it felt really therapeutic to do so last time, but here we are, nearing the end of 2019 and I didn’t keep it up.
I am sure many of us out there are feeling the same. Where did the time go? There’s also the added knowledge that a decade is ending… forcing all of us to wonder, where did the past ten years go?! It’s a humbling time, and for me this year, an overwhelming experience. I’ll get into that in more detail another time, but really, I haven’t felt this “stuck” in a long time.
Therefore, in my quest to begin to rediscover myself, my passions, and frankly, to reconnect with people, here is the annual tradition. Here, in chronological order, are the 12 Days of 2019* that shaped my life.
December 21st 2018*
Yes, I am cheating and including a date from last year! BUT… technically, this date happened after I published last year’s 12 days… so I am including it! On December 21st, I woke up in a terrible mood. I had a few things planned: go to the gym, get my nails done, and finish Christmas shopping. Then Sean and I were going to relax before heading out on our annual Christmas journey visiting all of our families. My anxiety was not happy, however, because I had slept in, and in my mind that meant I ruined my entire day. And so I woke up, cried, got angry and just generally spent the day in a “mood”. Flash forward to the evening, I was feeling a little better. Sean and I were heading out to Kringlewood, our Christmas tradition. On Inglewood Drive near St. Clair and Mount Pleasant, the entire street is filled with giant inflatable Santas. (And all of the houses look like they are straight out of Home Alone.) We love going! This year, as Sean and I were about to leave I asked him for a hug. I noticed something odd, his heart was POUNDING. I was a little alarmed, but he seemed okay so I didn’t bring it up… We get home from the street of Santas, and we begin wrapping some gifts. Sean keeps the music going playing Haim, Sam Roberts, and The Beatles. Finally, about three hours after we got home from Kringlewood, I go to the bathroom. This is a key detail. Sean needed to place a special item in our Christmas tree, and he needed me out of the room. What he didn’t count on is that I would nurse one small beer and somehow not need a pee break for hours! I wander out from the bathroom and Sean hands me a card. Inside, it contained all the funny and embarrassing quotes he has had over the years. But 2018 was blank, and when I asked why he didn’t put a quote for 2018, he answered by reaching into our Christmas tree and pulling out a tiny box. He then got down on one knee, and for the second time that day I was crying. Needless to say though, these were some of the happiest tears of my life.
January 13th 2019
I’ve written about my wonderful group of girlfriends before, and on this day we finally got all of us in one room. It’s a rare feat! Everyone is always so busy and scattered amongst Southern Ontario. Throw in some kids and it truly is like herding cats! Admittedly, they’re a group I feel I have most unintentionally disconnected myself from as this year has gone by. I feel I didn’t reach out as much as I should, or just check in as often as I should have with others. We have a group chat where we vent, share stories, memes, and provide a space for all of us to seek comfort when we need it. Given how busy everyone is, and my tendency to not want to burden people with my problems, I definitely became more withdrawn as the year went on. I’ve been through a lot of conflicting emotions. I’ve often felt forgotten about, or I’ve let my anxiety sometimes convince me that people don’t want to reach out to me because they know my answers might be depressing (and that is in general, not specifically directed to this group). Recently, most of us attended a Christmas party hosted by our friends Amanda & Alan, and it was really wonderful to be surrounded by this group again. There’s so much love, and I am truly grateful to have them in my corner when I need it. Now hopefully we’ll all be in the same room more than once in 2020!
February 8th 2019
The best and worst part about everyday life is that when you wake up each day, you truly have no idea what surprises might occur. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and discover you’ve won the lottery, or that the rainy forecast for your outdoor BBQ has turned sunny. Little or big, each day has the potential to catch you off guard. But nothing, absolutely nothing, prepares you for having the rug pulled out from underneath you. On this day I went to work, and Sean picked me up afterwards. We were going to spend the evening supporting a friend of ours at the opening night of his play in Scarborough. A pretty standard Friday. And then I checked my phone at intermission. Missed calls. Voicemails. I stepped outside, and called my aunt. Then the world stopped. Just like that. For a brief time, as I sat in the lobby of the theatre being consoled by our friends, there was part of me that truly believed if I never left that bench, reality would never catch up to me. I wouldn’t have to go to Welland and deal with a world without my father.
Sadly, that’s not what happens when life hands you devastating news. You have to deal with it, whether you want to or not.
February 17th 2019
Somehow through the fog, we planned my dad’s Celebration of Life. We chose the Welland Legion, namely because it was informal and a place where we could host a large party to celebrate him. He would have been so furious with us if we planned a full blown funeral. He wanted laughter, music, and memories to be shared. We had a feeling the turnout would be large (Dad was, after all, part of a big family), but we were completely blown away that at least 400 people came through the doors to bid their farewell. It was a flood of memories and faces I hadn’t seen in years. Reunions some of us never thought possible. But most of all, it was incredibly moving to see the impact my father made on people. How many of us can say they will pack a room to its capacity when their time is up? It also made me reflect a lot on how he lived his life. I often feel bad that I never took my parents travelling, or that Dad & I never made it to New York. Those of us who escape to big cities tend to think we have larger social circles than the ones we leave behind in the small towns. But at the end of the day, through the roots my Dad created by staying in Welland nearly his entire life, my Dad cast a web far greater than I could ever hope to. (I will also say, he was also really good at keeping connected to distant family and friends). Geographically, his world was small. But socially, my Dad was the Mayor of Margaret Street. Everyone was welcome in his home, and it shows in the lasting relationships and bonds he created. I now want to strive to create those bonds for myself. To host friends in the same manner he did. To welcome strangers without judgement. Mom and I did him proud that day, and I think back to that afternoon often, wishing in some ways I could go back and share more stories, more laughs, and more tears.
February 23rd 2019
Have you ever been to a wedding where not only the bride & groom open the dance floor with hip hop karaoke, but where the bride also performs a 3 song setlist with her rock band? Because that’s exactly what we did at John & Val’s wedding! In the days leading up to their wedding, I really had no idea how I would get through it. Not only was I still on an emotional roller coaster, but this wedding meant a lot to Sean & I since we were seeing some of our closest friends wed (and for Sean, he also had Best Man duties to fulfill!) I was also dreading having to answer questions. Many people at the wedding were also present the night I got the call about my Dad. It was a lot. But, at the end of the day, life is not only about mourning loss, but celebrating love and joy. And it was so incredible to be one of the many people there to support John & Val, and shower them with support for a happy life together. The night created a host of new memories for us all to share (with a video made by John to prove it).
March 5th 2019
My father passed away just weeks before his 66th birthday. Nearly immediately after his death, my aunt and several others began asking the City of Welland to find a way to honour the man who so beautifully captured the town’s spirits in his artwork. Incredibly, they put together the perfect tribute. Thanks to the Welland Canal, the city has an iconic bridge, Bridge 13. Similar bridges have lined the Canal throughout its history, and my father used these bridges as many of his muses. So on what would have been his 66th birthday, the bridge was lit up in my father’s favourite colour – deep blue. All day it had been snowing, much to the chagrin of my mom. But ultimately, I like to think my dad made that happen. Because with the bridge surrounded by a fresh snowfall, it truly stood out. The dark night sky also helped give the bridge a brilliant glow. It was definitely eerie to see it, and know that it was for him. One of the most surreal moments of my life. It was another time, too, where I truly appreciated the mark my dad left because, as a friend pointed out, not many people will ever get honoured by their community in such a manner.
May 3rd 2019
This year I was able to get my mom to Toronto TWICE! If you know my mom, you’ll know that this is quite momentous. I was also able to take her to two concerts – Massive Attack in September, and Snow Patrol. This, like all things in 2019, was bittersweet. The Snow Patrol tickets were a Christmas gift to my parents. They had such a great time coming to visit us in 2017 to see Alt-J at Massey Hall, and I felt Snow Patrol would be a great band to take them to next. (And actually, mom and I saw Snow Patrol together back in 2012, where a then-unknown singer named Ed Sheeran opened for them!) But the day, despite the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, was still extremely memorable and joyful. My Aunt Lorraine joined my mom on the trip up to Toronto, and together we made it a really fun ladies night! I took them shopping downtown at Sonic Boom, and we hung out at my apartment. At dinner, MC joined us to complete the foursome. The concert was emotional, but it felt therapeutic to be there at the same time. I had a Budweiser for Dad during the show, and at some point I think most of us shed a few tears. It was certainly an emotional release that I needed, and we all know the power that music has to heal. (More on the concert itself to come in my annual Rankings!) And also, my mom and aunt definitely learned they’re still a couple of party animals. We went out for drinks after the concert, and even though I dropped them off at their hotel just after Midnight, those two stayed up well into the night laughing and partying at their hotel room! Needless to say, some naps were needed the next day!
July 15th 2019
I took a week off during the summer to spend an extended amount of time back in beautiful Niagara. One of my favourite childhood haunts is Rock Point Provincial Park. We spent many summer nights camping there, and many more days at the beach (even if it was just for the day). I could write an entire novel of happy memories from there! This day was my first time back in about six years. The shoreline was definitely a little beat up from the abornally wet spring, but the view of Lake Erie was just as I remember. As my mom always says, the water is very healing. And it was. It felt amazing to be in the sun, laughing with everyone, and listening to the waves. I know most will say nothing beats white sandy beaches along the ocean, but I’ll take Lake Erie any day of the week. I love days like this when you can reminisce, and feel like a kid again.
July 18th 2019
While I was home in the summer, my cousin Amber was insisting that I go try on wedding dresses. I was hesitant because we didn’t have the entire entourage with us. I didn’t want to leave anyone out of the process! So there we were, having a platter of BBQ for lunch when finally she wore me down. I agreed to go to Second Dance Bridal in St. Catharines just to, in her words, “toot around a little bit”. I wasn’t exactly feeling “bridal” after inhaling about three different types of meat, French fries and coleslaw, so I didn’t think we’d be successful finding a dress. After all, what were the odds my mom, Amber and I would find it at the first store? … Well… pretty good odds it turns out! After trying on about 6 or 7 dresses that clearly weren’t “the one”, the helpful store assistant Sam announced that she had one more dress for me try on. She told us it was her favourite dress the store had ever received, and that she thought I would love it. Amber hated it on the hanger, but I was having fun so I put it on. As soon as I stepped out of the dressing room it was game over. My mom started crying and we all slowly realized I was wearing “the dress”! And then we realized how much trouble we were going to be in because we were missing my Aunt Lorraine, my cousin Shauna, and my BFF Maid of Honour MC… but it was all worth it because the dress is stunning and I cannot wait to show Sean on our wedding day!
August 7th 2019
At the end of 2018 I joined WISE – Women in Sports & Events. It’s part of my efforts to help further my career and advance my contacts within the industry. And also, they host some really cool events. On this day, we lucked out. It was a Tennis themed event, taking place at the Rogers Cup, and as luck would have it, we’d get to see the legend, Serena Williams! But the main reason I was attending the event was because of the guest speaker – Stacey Allastar. Ms. Allaster is not only a fellow Wellander, but also part of a unique group. Allastar is one of five women from Welland, in the same age range, who went on to hold executive positions in sports management. See this article from the Toronto Star for the full scope (it’s really freaking cool actually.) For me, a career goal would be to be considered equal among those women. Allastar spoke a lot about the challenges women face working in sports. A lot of women leave the industry to start families, or find themselves pushed out of “boys clubs”. I was so inspired hearing her speak, and hearing about her journey. It re-energized me, and my passion for my career. And then, as the sun was setting, the cherry on top was getting to watch Serena Williams go to work. Another female who has overcome so much adversity, continues to battle her demons, but yet still strives to be the best. An incredibly empowering evening, and one I won’t soon forget.
August 24th 2019
Sometimes, some of the best nights are the simplest. We went down to Niagara to visit my mom and we spent the afternoon playing shuffle board in the backyard. That night, we ended up at the Nagy’s house for a bonfire. The Nagy’s are long-time friends of my parents, in fact, my Dad & Brian had been friends since childhood. I have countless memories of spending time with their daughters, making dumb homemade videos, bonfires in their backyard, Christmas parties, skating on their homemade ice rink, and camping together at Long Point Provincial Park. I can’t explain, but there was something extra special about this August night. The music Brian had selected was as if my Dad was the one curating the playlist. Old songs from albums I hadn’t heard in years sparked an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. And then, the fish fry started and we ate some of the most delicious fish tacos I have ever had in my life! The stars were shining bright, and the air was fresh. A cozy, comfortable night in Dain City.
September 19th 2019
I am pretty darn lucky. I work with an incredibly dedicated group of people, who bust their butts all year long. It’s hard to find someone at TSN who is underworked. And so when the TSN Fun Squad started the ball hockey tournament, it became a huge success because it provided us with a time to cool off, have some friendly (or not so friendly at times) competition, and have fun together. It’s important to be reminded why you get up every day and drag yourself out to Scarborough. My team, “Run PMC” (with the PMC standing for Programming-Marketing-Communications), didn’t make it to the playoffs (we lost a heartbreaker in the Round Robin), but it was still an awesome day under the sun. Some of us grabbed drinks afterwards on a nearby patio, and it felt like the perfect way to end summer. My 2020 goal: get the gang all together more often to share more laughs and give each other a chance to appreciate the incredible people we get to call coworkers.
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There’s many more days I could have, and wanted to write about, but when I reflect back on the year, these are some of the days I am most drawn to. Thanks for indulging me, and I hope you all get a chance to reflect back on your own 2019 experiences, good and bad.
As a preview of sorts for my annual concert rankings, here’s one of my favourite songs of 2019. Tame Impala released this song just before my birthday on March 22nd. I listened to it for the first time on the TTC as I made my way downtown to do a little shopping. I had to hold back tears because the lyrics felt like they were perfectly capturing how I had been feeling since February. I could also just picture my Dad blasting this song on his stereo. Despite the fact that it was making me cry, I often turn to this song for a pick-me up. It’s got a catchy disco-psychedelic beat that only Tame Impala can pull off.
2019 certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would. On December 21st 2018, when Sean asked me to marry him, I expected 2019 to become one of the best years of my life. Instead, on February 8th 2019, things took an awful turn. My father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 65. A regular Friday evening turned horrific.
I’ve debated for months about whether to blog about my grief, the anxiety I’ve experienced, and just the general confusion about day to day life. I have countless drafts saved. Part of me didn’t want to be so public with my inner thoughts, but then recently I decided I had too many things I wanted to share. There’s a lot of lessons you don’t fully learn and realize until you say goodbye to one of the key difference makers in your life.
I’m going to break up these blog posts and focus on some specific emotions, and feelings I’ve dealt with. I feel there’s too much to say in just one post, so I hope you’ll bear with me as I get this all out of my system.
Shock & Awe
I know a lot of people talk about how they can barely remember certain aspects of a life changing moment, but I feel like I can recite in pretty clear detail everything I said and felt in the immediate aftermath of my aunt calling to tell me the horrible news. There are many times where I catch myself going over that night in detail. It’s like I need to remind myself that this is reality. I try to stop myself in those moments. After all, I don’t want my lasting memories of my dad to be of that fateful night.
When you’re in such deep shock it’s hard to find the energy to keep up with the rest of your life. I find that over the past several months I haven’t been as engaged with my friends, and have often felt like I don’t have the capacity to support them in their own struggles. As I reflect on this summer, I know I’ve become more withdrawn than I normally would. I’ve skipped going to concerts because I would rather be alone at home. Or, I’ve purposefully avoided making plans with people because sometimes the idea of being social is too exhausting. I felt this way after the robbery in South Africa as well. When you’re moving away from a trauma, it’s hard to see when others around you may be suffering as well. Your own pain and confusion takes precedent and it becomes hard to focus on everything else. But I am starting to regret some of this. As summer begins to wind down, I am starting to feel like I wasted some of my days. (Regret is a theme I’ll touch on in another post).
I’ve so often felt like a zombie, or as my mom has often observed, we go through the days feeling like actors in our own lives. That we’re just playing a role. Going to work felt like that at first (and sometimes still does). I could put on my management hat and forget that I was the girl dealing with grief. But then reality would sink in. I’ve had times where I’ve cried on the TTC, or on my walk home. It can be anything. A thought, a memory, seeing the stars, a song coming on my Spotify. And then the haze comes back. Everything starts to feel surreal again, and the pain gets pushed down until the next time it resurfaces. I open my office door, turn on the computer, and begin to play my role.
One of the things I’ve been struggling with the most as it relates to my health anxiety is how truly fragile everything is. I can’t wrap my brain around just how suddenly you can lose someone. When I get caught in the shock, the questions rise up. Why now? Why this way? How do you just wake up one day and not know it’s your last day on earth? I find it incredibly terrifying to think of how quickly everything can be lost. How can there be no warning? No time to say goodbye? Why does it have to be so random? For me, when I can’t make sense of things I get very uncomfortable. My anxiety loves order and reason. Death is neither of those things. And so at times it’s caused me to spiral into some anxious times where I begin to fear those old fears – that I have cancer, that something is wrong with my heart, that I am going to die young and will miss out on everything.
I guess, that’s supposed to be the good lesson in all of this – the reminder that life is short and tomorrow is not promised. It’s supposed to make you appreciate the little things more, cross things off your bucket list, or finally make that move in your life you’ve been putting off. But there are so many times I feel frozen in fear. Whenever we make a new decision on something related to the wedding I get a little bit scared. “What if I don’t make it to my wedding and all of this is a waste?”. But I can’t let the shock do that to me. I know, deep down, I can’t live in fear constantly. I know that Dad wasn’t afraid of what was next. He often talked about how he didn’t fear death. It was the next adventure, the next part of the journey. It was something to be curious about. He also told me people with control issues tend to be the ones who fear death the most. As usual, he was right.
One thing I am thankful for in regards to my anxiety is that I feel it’s made me quite self-aware. I can recognize when I am withdrawing, or not supporting other people. But it’s hard to often do something about it. Especially when I’m trying to do things like be on my phone less, read more, and trying to get through the day. Throw in that work has been incredibly busy, and it just feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day to often tackle everything.
So what can I do? What can anyone do going through grief? I think it goes back to what one of the nurses told my mom that night. “You take things minute by minute, hour by hour”. Eventually the fog will begin to clear. I’ll find a way to stop trying to make sense of what happened, and just accept it. The sting will wear off.
With each of these posts I will close with a song that reminds of me Dad. They may or may not relate to each post. They just might be songs currently running through my mind. As I wrote this post I was listening to Kate Bush and the “Hounds of Love” album. Dad used to blast this album in our home when I was little, and together he and I would dance and sing around the house to it. So while I navigate all of this confusion, I know one thing is true. Somewhere, he’s up there in The Big Sky. Thanks for reading.
Sundown in the Paris of the Prairies. Taken on the 2012 Kraft Tour.
It took more than a few tries, but I was finally able to secure tickets to one of the Tragically Hip’s shows at the ACC – Sunday August 14th. The seats are in the 300 level, and behind the stage. Usually I would never buy seats in either of those locations for a concert at the ACC (I am a total ticket snob with that place). But this is different. I am just thrilled to be in the building. But what sucks is the reason most of us will be there, to say goodbye.
When the band announced Gord Downie’s terminal cancer I was stunned. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Aside from the usual cries of “He’s still so young!” I am most saddened that it’s his brain that is suffering from the cancer. It seems so cruel. Downie’s brain has given us so much creativity and beauty over the years. His lyrics, his poetry, his on-stage antics sprouting from that part of our mind that promotes spontaneity. I can’t help but feel so sad thinking about how all of those things have been impacted by the disease.
But rather than focusing on the sad, I wanted to write about how much good Gord Downie and his fellow bandmates have given me over the years.
At first, I hated the Hip. I remember watching the music video for “Ahead By A Century” on the CHUM FM Top 30 Countdown that would air on CITY-TV on the weekends. I would watch the show weekly with my mom. That song came on, and at first I couldn’t stand it. “What is up with the lead singer’s voice???” But slowly, the more I saw that video and head that song, I started to love it. It was the guitar hook that first won me over. Then I started listening to the lyrics, and soon, I was fully on board with Downie’s vocals. And the video itself is so beautiful. Click the link and watch it again if you haven’t seen it recently. It might actually be one of my favourite music videos. It certainly is one that has always stuck out in my mind. Watching it, it actually takes me right back to those moments on the couch in my parents’ living room. I was so young, still had so much to experience. I was just starting to figure out what type of music I liked. In fact, that same Top 30 show is when I first discovered Oasis (another band I hated at first, then grew to adore). I don’t remember when I bought “Trouble at the Henhouse”, but all I know is the edges on my copy are all worn out. I would read the lyrics, trying to figure out their meaning. I still to this day can’t always figure them out. In the end, “Gift Shop” became my favourite song from that album, and one of my favourite songs in general. I really hope to hear it live on the 14th.
Flash forward a few years, and young Tesla is at a BBQ, chatting with some young boys. Being all of 14, I of course want to impress them and make them think I am the coolest chick they’ve ever met. So when they all start talking about how much they love The Tragically Hip I think to myself “I’M IN!!!” I like to think I can impress them with my knowledge, even bragging about owning their first album to make myself seem more “legit”. By this time “Phantom Power” had been released, and I was obsessed with that album. I loved it. As a die-hard hockey fan, “Fireworks” quickly became a high rotation song for me. Sadly, I didn’t get a boyfriend out of the encounter.
As I grew older, The Hip were always one of my “staple” artists – bands that I grew up with who were always going to be there, producing new music. “In Violet Light” went a little over my head at the time it was released, and I still haven’t listened to that album much. But “World Container” brought me right back to peak fandom and I still think it’s one of their best albums. But one thing always eluded me – seeing them live. I remember watching their ’99 Woodstock performance they had, just utterly devastated that I wasn’t allowed to attend the festival. When I moved to Toronto something always kept me from going to their shows, or I just assumed “I’ll go on the next tour”. I thought of The Hip as an eternal group – they’d always be touring, and they will always put out new music. They’d become Canada’s version of The Stones, or Bon Jovi. You’ll always get a chance to see them.
I finally got to see The Hip live in November of 2007. I had just started working at The Air Canada Centre as an usher, and they were performing as part of RIM’s Christmas Party at the ACC. Van Halen were to headline, and The Hip were openers. I was so excited. I even squealed and laughed with delight when I could hear them striking those opening chords to “Ahead By A Century” during soundcheck. Oddly enough, I was working the 300 level that night. I wasn’t sure if it would be a “true” performance, given that it was essentially a corporate event, but I have to say, Gord Downie & Co still gave it their all. It meant the world to me to finally see the infamous “microphone” rant in person.
Since then, I’ve only seen The Tragically Hip perform one other time – live for free at Yonge/Dundas Square (another corporate event, this time for Rogers and the NHL). So I’ve yet to experience a “real” Hip concert. No limitations, no restrictions, just whatever they want to play. However – I am happy to say I’ve seen Gord Downie play with The Sadies at Field Trip a couple of years ago (great performance, and they released a great album together); and Downie even came out during Broken Social Scene’s set to sing “Texaco Bitches” with Kevin Drew. It was one of the highlights of the festival.
Another one of the more personal memories I have of The Hip is from one of the Kraft Celebration Tours. One the bus, we’d often hop onto the crew bus where they usually had an acoustic guitar and a harmonica. We’d gather together at the back of the bus and sing classic songs like “Don’t Look Back in Anger”, “Folsom Prison Blues”, “The Weight”, and yes, “Wheat Kings”. As I’ve already written about, those tours were special. Whenever I hear that song, it immediately brings me back to that moment on the bus, where I was looking around at everyone, having the time of my life and thinking “I am so lucky and can’t believe this is happening”.
It’s blurry from the bumpy bus ride, but this is a pic from that jam session, with Vic on guitar.
So Sunday the 14th means a lot. I still can’t believe that this could be it, the last time many of us will experience this band live. It’s shocking, saddening, and terrifying all at the same time. There’s such an important lesson in all of this, one we so often hear but fail to heed. You have to take your opportunities when you can get them. If your favourite band is in town, but you’re unsure if you want to see them on this tour – go to the concert. If there’s an old friend you haven’t seen for awhile – contact them. Visit your family, take time for friends, and remind everyone you care about that they matter to you. I know how busy our lives are these days, and I know how difficult it can be to balance different social calendars and expectations. Finding that “sweet spot” of “me-time”, working, and socializing can be really difficult. But, just try. All you can do is your best. There may be times you have to turn down you usual group of friends, to see a grandparent. One night you might have to work overtime, but maybe make a note to re-schedule a coffee date instead of a dinner date. Just take advantage when you can.
To close this one, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite lyrics, to one of my favourite songs:
We’re forced to bed But we’re free to dream All us humans extras All us hearded beings And after a glimpse Over the top The rest of the world Becomes a gift shop
*** Post-concert thoughts, and musings:
Watching Gord Sunday night, something struck me. I’m so scared that one day I’ll be given a terminal diagnosis. That I will slowly and sadly have to say goodbye to everyone, and watch my life disappear. But Sunday taught me that there’s something beautiful about getting to say goodbye on your terms. Gord is doing that. Watching him belt out songs our country loves, dance, kiss bandmates, and wave to the crowd with love in his eyes, was amazing. He is getting to pay tribute to all those who have given him so much. It was inspiring.
I didn’t find Sunday sombre. I found it beautiful. I nearly forgot for two and a half hours that Gord is dying (save for those ten minutes he spent waving, blowing kisses, and bowing to nearly every single person in that arena). I got to sing along, cheer, and feel deep emotions. That isn’t something you don’t often get all in one concert. The Tragically Hip have given us something rare. There are endless articles right now about how they are so deeply woven into the fabric of this country. I won’t do this here. But all I do know is, I am so thankful I was able to witness that show on Sunday. That was something special. So thank you Gord for helping to remind me about living in the present, being mindful, and putting your whole heart into what drives you.
“You can’t be fond of living in the past
‘Cause if you are then there’s no way that you’re going to last”
I’ve been trying to write a new blog post for about a month now. I have about three half finished posts, just sitting in my Drafts. I thought as we all reel from the news of Gord Downie, and grapple with one more amazing person about to be lost to cancer, that perhaps this was the post I needed to finish, and share with you all.
Late in April, I said goodbye to my “Granny”. She was a fierce woman, and a personality that my family will miss dearly. It was my first time losing an immediate family member. I’ve been very fortunate. I am very uncomfortable with death, and am so grateful that up until now, I’ve only had to go to a handful of funerals and memorials. I know others have not been so lucky.
But one absolutely positive thing to come out of the heartbreak of losing Granny is that death gives perspective. It forces you to pause, and reflect. You suddenly become acutely aware of your place in the universe, and what you’ll leave behind.
As we cleaned out my grandmother’s things from the nursing home, my cousin spoke about how you just leave “stuff” behind, and what matters is the memories that your loved ones have of you. Of course we always see quotes that like when we scroll across our social media news feeds, but until you’re there, cleaning out the home of a dead loved one, that message really doesn’t sink in. The clothes I worry about on a day to day basis, will eventually just get donated or turned to rags. No one will remember that I accidentally wore a stained shirt one day to work. Certainly no one cares at this moment that when I first moved to Toronto I really had no idea what the word “style” really meant. It’s also true of the items we fill our homes with.
So from those little “ah-ha” moments during that time, I am trying to get back to loving myself more, and forgiving myself. I say this all too often, but I waste so much time being hard on myself. There’s so much I can’t control. But I have such a hard time dealing with that. I need to be in control. I’m impatient. I’m a perfectionist. I also have a pretty good memory, and I remember what I looked like when I was in better shape. It’s hard to forget that. I don’t feel proud of my body right now. So I need to work on getting that back.
Aside from the feelings associated with my body, dealing with a death always triggers a lot of deeper anxiety for me. I have a real problem with death. It terrifies me. I have so many fears. I have days where I am convinced of the Afterlife and that something awaits, but then others I think that can’t be possible, and that there really isn’t anything beyond this life. My mind starts to think “how can there be heaven if we have so much suffering? What is the point of creating a world where depending on where you live you might have a great life, or a really, really horrible one?”, and it goes on and on.
But really, I am just scared to say goodbye to the people I love and care about. My family means the world to me, and I can’t bear to think of saying goodbye to everyone. Change doesn’t allow me to be in control. When suddenly that one person won’t be at Christmas Dinner anymore, I get so anxious thinking about how different things will be. How will I cope without certain people? I suppose you could call it the world’s worst case of “FOMO” as well. I get sick thinking about all the things I could miss out on one day, especially if I die young.
My Granny & I
So how do you become more comfortable with the idea of death? For me, the only way would be knowing with 1000000% certainty that an Afterlife exists, and that YES you get reunited with everyone. That’s the controlling nature in me, the anxiety that needs ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY. But that doesn’t exist in life. Maybe what losing Granny has also taught me is that in addition to spending time working on my mental health, I need to work on my spiritual health. Because the day will come when I will have an even more devastating death to mourn, and I want to make sure I can get through.
And then, with some of the roots of my anxiety laid bare, we return to the original point of this post. Only the memories are what matter. The relationships you forge – whether it’s family, friends, animal companions, whatever, that is what transcends everything else. I can’t take six pack abs with me to the Afterlife, and certainly they won’t be on display at a memorial. (Seriously, have you ever seen anyone’s ACTUAL body at a funeral? Another reason I should stop worrying about what my stomach looks like). Sure, you can be remembered for being an active, athletic person, but is that why people truly love you? Is it the only reason they’ll always be there for you? Odds are, no.
So with that being said, it’s about doing what all of those internet quotes tell you to do: “Live. Laugh. Love”. With doing that, hopefully I can find peace and eventually accept that one day, everything will be out of my control.
Thank you, as always, for reading and of course, share any advice you may have for myself or others.
Another Christmas season is upon us, and just before I bid goodbye to 2015 (and post my new annual tradition – my concert rankings of the year), I wanted to reflect on what’s transpired over the past 12 months, and how I can move forward from it all. And since everyone loves a good list, instead of the “12 Days of Christmas”, I give you the “12 Days of 2015”. 12 days that changed my life this year, for better or for worse. (And these are in no particular order).
12) March 24th 2015
My 30th birthday. Well documented in an earlier blog post, turning 30 definitely marked a significant point in my life. To many, age is just a number. But 30 felt like so much more to me. I am a happier, healthier, and stronger person than I was at any other age. I am in the best time of my life. I need to hold onto this day, and the positivity I felt at turning 30 to get me through the dark times.
11) November 27th 2015
Sean & I went on our first official vacation together as a couple, starting on this date. Yes, we’ve done many small road trips together (Ottawa, Montreal, Detroit) but this was the first time where it would just be the two of us, 24/7, ALL THE TIME. I mean, what if we ended up hating each other by the end of the trip? But instead, I feel like it really helped make us stronger as a couple. I am so excited about our future together, and getting to continue travelling the world is one of those things. The trip was a special point in our relationship, and coming home on December 6th in one piece meant it wouldn’t be the last time we set off together for new adventures.
10) July 31st 2015
Day One of Osheaga. I could really have picked any day of Osheaga, but the first one means a lot to me for a couple reasons. Number one – I did this day mainly by myself. Doing things on my own always boosts my confidence. I took Montreal transit on my own, I watched bands on my own, and fed myself. I know at 30 I should be able to do all of this on my own, but when you suffer from social anxiety doing all of these things in a public setting can be quite terrifying. Number two – I finally got to see Florence! Along with a BUNCH of other great bands. It was a fantastic day of music, and reassurance. Days like that make me happy to be alive, and thankful that I am able to enjoy days like that.
My hair was ON FLEEK this day
9) June 5th 2015
My cousin Amber married Neil, and our families celebrated. I have two female cousins that I am very close with – Amber is one year younger than I am, and Shauna (her sister) is four years younger than me. We grew up together, and have continued to stay close. As an only child, they are as close as I will ever get to sisters. Seeing Amber getting married to an amazing man in Neil was very special. Family is incredibly important to me. I am lucky to have a fantastic one (on both sides – my mom and my dad). It also hit home that perhaps the next time we celebrate, things may be different. We may lose family along the way. It reinforced that you need to embrace these moments you have with everyone and cherish them. You don’t know when you’ll be able to capture that again. On a personal note, I truly never felt more beautiful on that day than any other (even if I was wearing more make-up than I ever thought could be humanly possible to fit on my face).
8) January 6th 2015
This was the day I bawled my eyes out in therapy and asked for his advice on antidepressants. As documented in my first mental health blog post, I was at a low and didn’t know how to pull myself out. My anxiety was rampant. I couldn’t shake this awful sense of doom. It was horrible. Within a week, I was on pills. Other than the frustrating amount of weight I seem to have gained since being on these pills, I am happy I am on them. My anxiety hasn’t completely subsided (if only it were that easy), but my compulsions have eased. Do I still get depressed? Yes. Do I still find myself in a spiral of bad thoughts? Yes. But I find it a little easier to do as Tay-Tay says and “shake it off”. It took all of my strength to ask for medication. This was a dark day but looking back, it was a good day.
7) February 12th 2015
I had my gastroscopy (say that 3x fast) on this date. I was convinced going in that the doctors would find cancer. If you had asked me to put money down on a result, I would have had to really think hard on what they would find. Or I also feared that if they didn’t find cancer, they’d find that stomach acid had done so much damage to my insides that I’d be doomed to one day having to fight cancer. It was scary. I don’t remember, but I was probably close to tears at some point during the day. In the end, I just have gastritis and otherwise have a good looking stomach. It was such a relief.
Beautiful Mexico
6) April 25th 2015
My first full day at an all-inclusive resort! My BFF Marie-Claude and I jetted off to Mexico for a week, and it was EXACTLY what I needed. I’d never done a vacation like that, and had no idea if my ADD-brain would be able to handle staying in one place so much. But I LOVED it. Day One was perfect – we had beautiful weather, drank on the beach, only got a small sun burn, and ate like the Queens we are. We also did some outstanding people watching. I really needed the time to re-charge and just spend some time to myself. I didn’t have to make any decisions, answer emails, or really do any type of thinking outside of “do I want beer or a cocktail?” and then “do we want the beach, or the pool?”. It was heaven.
5) November 17th 2015
I’ll never forget this day. Subject of my last blog post, this was the day TSN suffered a number of layoffs and Alison Salinas passed away. A truly awful day that reminds you of the darker side of life. That sometimes good people die young, and that life often isn’t fair at all. I’ve still been left with lingering feelings of guilt and sadness. Work isn’t quite the same, and I still find it hard to believe that Alison is gone (and I wasn’t even that close to her!) But at her visitation I spoke briefly with her mother, who was so composed and so wonderful. I can see where Alison got so much of her grace from. Seeing Alison’s mother on that painful day gave me a lot of strength, and oddly, hope. Hope that one day I can be that strong when faced with adversity.
4) May 15th 2015
Our one year anniversary. The details of our first date can be found on the Live at 605 podcast (available for download here or on iTunes), and I encourage you to take a listen. Our first date is quite funny in hindsight, and definitely a night I’ll never forget. (Readers of this blog may recall that our first date was the Haim concert, and ranked in my Top 10 Concerts). Our anniversary to me marked so much more than that. I’ve gained such a wonderful partner in Sean and I am so thankful that he feels the same way about me. I know I am incredibly lucky, and won’t soon forget that.
3) October 23rd 2015
Sean & I signed our new lease! We’re moving in together! Yes, we hit a lot of big milestones as a couple this year, and we’ll truly be starting 2016 off “fresh” as our lease begins January 1st 2016. Again, another time of excitement and yes, some nerves, about the future. It was also a great night in that we went to have dinner at The Irv (one of our fave little pubs in the city) and went to see The Darkness in concert! (We’ll just ignore the fact that this was the night the Jays were eliminated from the MLB playoffs…)
2) June 16th 2015
My last day of therapy. My therapist moved to the US to be closer to family, and I decided to go it alone for awhile. You may recall this was when I wrote one of my most heartfelt pieces. Around this time was when I started to realize that I’d begun to gain weight, and started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve still put on some weight, but I am working a little harder to try and get fit again. I’m still upset with myself, and those shadows are still there. And I know that I need a new therapist. 2016 will also mark the start of seeing a new one, and continuing to heal myself. I don’t want to completely lose my confidence, and all of my hard work.
1) October 18th 2015
The Scotiabank Waterfront 5km race. Overall, I had an up and down year with my running. When I feel good about my running, I usually feel great about myself. Being a strong runner makes me feel like an even stronger person. Completing this race, and feeling the drive to possibly do another Half Marathon was the motivation I needed to really kick start my training for next year. It feels good to be re-dedicated to running, and I only hope my poor back muscles can keep up with me this time.
—–
So what can I remind myself about all of this? That I had more good days than bad this year. That 2015 was a total success. Yes, it had it’s terrible moments. I cried, I was angry, I wasted time worrying about crap that I had no business thinking about. But I got through it. I made it. And so did all of you. 2016 may be our year, or it might not. We don’t know. And that’s the biggest lesson of all I’ve truly learned this year – that we don’t know what’s ahead. Our anxiety might think it knows (anxiety really is a big know-it-all), but we’re usually wrong. Remember that. Remember the good, the beautiful, and the possible. It’s what will keep me going next year, and I hope it will keep you going too.
Thanks for a great year everyone. Stay tuned for my next blog entries – ranking all 40 bands I saw in concert this year.
Note: I’ve had this entry sitting in my Drafts folder for weeks. I’ve struggled so much with how to express my sadness at various things over the past month. And after yesterday, that feeling has intensified. What do I say to those who lost their job? How do I comfort those who lost Alison? What can I really say that makes any sort of difference? Here I am, alive and employed. What right do I have to be blogging about being sad when there are people hurting so much more than I am. All I can say is, this is what I know to do in a time of pain. And what I also know I can do is be there. My blog, to me, is a way of sharing my own struggles to maybe find comfort in others who understand. Friends we need each other more now than ever. Don’t be scared to reach out for help. I am here, I am always here, and will do my best to help.
For now with this entry, I’ve modified it to deal with the layoffs at TSN and the death of a beautiful person.
Another running season has come to a close for me. This year I took part in four races. Starting out this year I wasn’t sure what I would do. A busy year was ahead, and I was so burned out from my half marathon last Fall that I was certain I’d be satisfied just running 5km races. This seemed to really cement itself after a difficult 10km race on Mother’s Day. My cousin and I raced on a hot, humid morning on a course that was actually a lot more grueling than expected. (My body was not ready to run hills in the heat in early May). But I did it, and although I didn’t meet my goal, I still was happy with my finish time considering the circumstances.
Then came the “busy year”. Between weddings, trips, going out with friends, and everything in between, the weight gain came. Yes, that anger I had at the beginning of July is still kicking around. I went out and bought new pants. I replaced shirts. I did all the things I didn’t want to do. But then I started to kick myself in the rear and get moving. I’m back into some old habits. But it still is hard to resist that extra snack, or another pint of beer, or a glass of wine with dinner. (And really, I firmly believe life is too short to resist those things all the time. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, it won’t be because I had a second pint two weeks ago).
And this is where my recent turning point comes in. There have been some horrible things happening over the past month. Many good friends, and coworkers lost their jobs at TSN yesterday – my mentor among them. Good people all across the company who did nothing but work hard for something they believed in. My friend Alyson Fisher lost her father on Thanksgiving in a tragic accident. And most heartbreaking of all, Alison Salinas lost her battle with cervical cancer last night. She was young, beautiful, and one of the most inspirational people I have ever met. And all of that got me thinking. My anxiety loves a good existential crisis after all, especially one that involves death. Anxiety has taken so much from me. Depression has taken it’s fair share too. These two illnesses just steal from you, constantly. And it’s really not new to me, but when you suffer from mental illness it can all too easy to forget your life lessons. But these illnesses don’t HAVE to steal these things from me. I can be treated. I can be cured. It takes a lot of work, and takes patience and strength, but it can happen. And it has happened for me, even if it’s small baby steps. But there are so many people out there that can’t be cured, or have even more difficult battles than I do, and I shouldn’t be sitting here terrified of my own body. I fear death because of the finality of it. That’s it, it’s over. Done. So ironically, I spend so much of my time on this earth frozen in fear. Or even worse, I waste countless hours being mean and abusive to myself. I look at myself in the mirror with disgust. I look at pictures from even just a couple years ago and think of how much better I used to look. I punish myself for things I cannot control. Take for example, my abnormal cervix. Internally, I have been beating myself up over it, even though there is zero evidence that shows that it’s ALL MY FAULT.
I’m at a point where I need to shut myself up. And I am still on my own, so maybe this is a time where I need to acknowledge that I need to find a new therapist. That I need that unbiased voice reassuring me, and guiding me. It helps go a long way towards challenging my skewed beliefs about life, death, and what I need to fear. But maybe more importantly than shutting up my anxiety, is forgiving myself. And that is so difficult to do. I need to say to myself, “Tesla, it’s OK.” I hear other people say this to me, but until I truly internalize it, it’s not going to stick. Anxiety loves to push it’s way to the front and say “NO – PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE”. If anxiety had an Instagram account it would be full of duck face selfies.
My obessive thinking gets me caught in these traps. I start with “wow, I really hate my body right now” Then I move to feelings of guilt “well, I should just be thankful I have this body” and then it moves to “ohmygod I’m such a horrible person for thinking my problems are so bad when others have it so much worse” and onto “all this time I’ve wasted, what an idiot”. It’s all negative, and it’s all bad for me. I need to get back to reassuring myself, encouraging myself, and most importantly loving myself. Because there will be a day where I truly will regret not taking advantage of these running legs.
Guilt. I have so many friends who are hurting, and who are fighting battles of their own. Two friends out West are going through an incredible one – Benji & Lisa Husband (whose story you can read on this blog: Take Part of Me). Benji donated a portion of his liver to save the life of his wife, Lisa. I met these two on the Kraft Celebration Tour in 2012. They were part of that life changing trip across Canada that had me realizing I deserved more out of life. They have a special place in my heart for that reason. So how do I sit here and justify typing up a whole blog about my own problems when they have major surgery to worry about and recover from?! It all feels so selfish, and narcissistic for me to even be continuing with a blog when others have such bigger problems. And so I begin to feel horribly for having my anxiety, for wasting parts of my life, and for hitting the “publish” button. But, really, I don’t know what else to do. And I know I need to be easier on myself, and forgive myself more. I need to write to help myself heal, and I’ve truly had a hard time writing this entry. So friends, please don’t think I am trying to make my life seem so much harder, or that my problems are bigger than yours. I am trying to empathize with you the best way I know how, to let you know that you aren’t alone with your struggles, and hardships. Mine might be on a smaller scale, or a totally different animal, but I want to show you my suffering so I can support you and help you by showing you, in some small way, I might understand that feeling of your thoughts trying to explode our of your mind.
So how does running tie into all of this? Well, as I approached the Scotiabank Waterfront 5km race on October 18th I found myself wishing I had signed up for another half marathon. 5km just didn’t feel the same with this event. The runner’s expo left me feeling like I wasn’t truly worthy to be there. That what I was doing wasn’t an accomplishment. I know that isn’t true (In fact, a couple years ago a stranger got a little bit angry with me when I said I was “just” doing the 5km and reminded me that 5km is still a big deal and a lot farther than many people will ever run in their lifetime). The itch to do a long distance race was back, and so was my motivation to run. So I’ve bought a new pair of shoes, and have full intentions of putting down another 21km on the streets of Toronto. But more importantly, it’s given me something to focus on other than just trying to lose weight.
In addition to another half marathon I am also going to take part in the Ride To Conquer Cancer. I’ve joined Team #tealpower, a team inspired by Alison Salinas. This ride now means so much more. It’s again my way of trying to turn my feeling of helplessness and guilt into something that can incite real progress in the search for a cure for cancer. It’s also another key step in my fight against my anxiety – if my body can handle this bike ride, it must be in pretty good shape. And I am enjoy to enjoy this body and put it to good use.
With these goals ahead, and even more happy things to come in my personal life in the coming months, I am hoping this is it. That this is truly when I come out of the shadows. The darkness of winter is about to be upon me, so I had better find my way before I get too lost. But for the next little while, I will allow myself to be sad, to mourn. Heartbreak doesn’t heal quickly. And let’s all be there for each other. Love can truly conquer all, and our love and support for one another will never be so important as it is right now. I am here for all of you. Let’s stay on the path together.
tesla may 