12 Days of 2019

I feel like I broke a bit of a promise. I came out of hiding and wrote my first entry about grieving, and then just stopped… Naturally, one of the blog ideas I have for my informal “series” on grief is about motivation, and how I seem to have lost it. I did really expect to keep writing, it felt really therapeutic to do so last time, but here we are, nearing the end of 2019 and I didn’t keep it up.

I am sure many of us out there are feeling the same. Where did the time go? There’s also the added knowledge that a decade is ending… forcing all of us to wonder, where did the past ten years go?! It’s a humbling time, and for me this year, an overwhelming experience. I’ll get into that in more detail another time, but really, I haven’t felt this “stuck” in a long time.

Therefore, in my quest to begin to rediscover myself, my passions, and frankly, to reconnect with people, here is the annual tradition. Here, in chronological order, are the 12 Days of 2019* that shaped my life.

December 21^st 2018*

Yes, I am cheating and including a date from last year! BUT… technically, this date happened after I published last year’s 12 days… so I am including it! On December 21^st, I woke up in a terrible mood. I had a few things planned: go to the gym, get my nails done, and finish Christmas shopping. Then Sean and I were going to relax before heading out on our annual Christmas journey visiting all of our families. My anxiety was not happy, however, because I had slept in, and in my mind that meant I ruined my entire day.  And so I woke up, cried, got angry and just generally spent the day in a “mood”. Flash forward to the evening, I was feeling a little better. Sean and I were heading out to Kringlewood, our Christmas tradition. On Inglewood Drive near St. Clair and Mount Pleasant, the entire street is filled with giant inflatable Santas. (And all of the houses look like they are straight out of Home Alone.) We love going! This year, as Sean and I were about to leave I asked him for a hug. I noticed something odd, his heart was POUNDING. I was a little alarmed, but he seemed okay so I didn’t bring it up… We get home from the street of Santas, and we begin wrapping some gifts. Sean keeps the music going playing Haim, Sam Roberts, and The Beatles. Finally, about three hours after we got home from Kringlewood, I go to the bathroom. This is a key detail. Sean needed to place a special item in our Christmas tree, and he needed me out of the room. What he didn’t count on is that I would nurse one small beer and somehow not need a pee break for hours! I wander out from the bathroom and Sean hands me a card. Inside, it contained all the funny and embarrassing quotes he has had over the years. But 2018 was blank, and when I asked why he didn’t put a quote for 2018, he answered by reaching into our Christmas tree and pulling out a tiny box. He then got down on one knee, and for the second time that day I was crying. Needless to say though, these were some of the happiest tears of my life.

January 13^th 2019

I’ve written about my wonderful group of girlfriends before, and on this day we finally got all of us in one room. It’s a rare feat! Everyone is always so busy and scattered amongst Southern Ontario. Throw in some kids and it truly is like herding cats! Admittedly, they’re a group I feel I  have most unintentionally disconnected myself from as this year has gone by. I feel I didn’t reach out as much as I should, or just check in as often as I should have with others. We have a group chat where we vent, share stories, memes, and provide a space for all of us to seek comfort when we need it. Given how busy everyone is, and my tendency to not want to burden people with my problems, I definitely became more withdrawn as the year went on. I’ve been through a lot of conflicting emotions. I’ve often felt forgotten about, or I’ve let my anxiety sometimes convince me that people don’t want to reach out to me because they know my answers might be depressing (and that is in general, not specifically directed to this group). Recently, most of us attended a Christmas party hosted by our friends Amanda & Alan, and it was really wonderful to be surrounded by this group again. There’s so much love, and I am truly grateful to have them in my corner when I need it. Now hopefully we’ll all be in the same room more than once in 2020!

February 8^th 2019

The best and worst part about everyday life is that when you wake up each day, you truly have no idea what surprises might occur. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and discover you’ve won the lottery, or that the rainy forecast for your outdoor BBQ has turned sunny. Little or big, each day has the potential to catch you off guard. But nothing, absolutely nothing, prepares you for having the rug pulled out from underneath you. On this day I went to work, and Sean picked me up afterwards. We were going to spend the evening supporting a friend of ours at the opening night of his play in Scarborough. A pretty standard Friday. And then I checked my phone at intermission. Missed calls. Voicemails. I stepped outside, and called my aunt. Then the world stopped. Just like that. For a brief time, as I sat in the lobby of the theatre being consoled by our friends, there was part of me that truly believed if I never left that bench, reality would never catch up to me. I wouldn’t have to go to Welland and deal with a world without my father.

Sadly, that’s not what happens when life hands you devastating news. You have to deal with it, whether you want to or not.

February 17th 2019 

Somehow through the fog, we planned my dad’s Celebration of Life. We chose the Welland Legion, namely because it was informal and a place where we could host a large party to celebrate him. He would have been so furious with us if we planned a full blown funeral. He wanted laughter, music, and memories to be shared. We had a feeling the turnout would be large (Dad was, after all, part of a big family), but we were completely blown away that at least 400 people came through the doors to bid their farewell. It was a flood of memories and faces I hadn’t seen in years. Reunions some of us never thought possible. But most of all, it was incredibly moving to see the impact my father made on people. How many of us can say they will pack a room to its capacity when their time is up? It also made me reflect a lot on how he lived his life. I often feel bad that I never took my parents travelling, or that Dad & I never made it to New York. Those of us who escape to big cities tend to think we have larger social circles than the ones we leave behind in the small towns. But at the end of the day, through the roots my Dad created by staying in Welland nearly his entire life, my Dad cast a web far greater than I could ever hope to. (I will also say, he was also really good at keeping connected to distant family and friends). Geographically, his world was small. But socially, my Dad was the Mayor of Margaret Street. Everyone was welcome in his home, and it shows in the lasting relationships and bonds he created. I now want to strive to create those bonds for myself. To host friends in the same manner he did. To welcome strangers without judgement. Mom and I did him proud that day, and I think back to that afternoon often, wishing in some ways I could go back and share more stories, more laughs, and more tears.

February 23^rd 2019

Have you ever been to a wedding where not only the bride & groom open the dance floor with hip hop karaoke, but where the bride also performs a 3 song setlist with her rock band? Because that’s exactly what we did at John & Val’s wedding! In the days leading up to their wedding, I really had no idea how I would get through it. Not only was I still on an emotional roller coaster, but this wedding meant a lot to Sean & I since we were seeing some of our closest friends wed (and for Sean, he also had Best Man duties to fulfill!) I was also dreading having to answer questions. Many people at the wedding were also present the night I got the call about my Dad. It was a lot. But, at the end of the day, life is not only about mourning loss, but celebrating love and joy. And it was so incredible to be one of the many people there to support John & Val, and shower them with support for a happy life together. The night created a host of new memories for us all to share (with a video made by John to prove it).

March 5th 2019

My father passed away just weeks before his 66^th birthday. Nearly immediately after his death, my aunt and several others began asking the City of Welland to find a way to honour the man who so beautifully captured the town’s spirits in his artwork. Incredibly, they put together the perfect tribute. Thanks to the Welland Canal, the city has an iconic bridge, Bridge 13. Similar bridges have lined the Canal throughout its history, and my father used these bridges as many of his muses. So on what would have been his 66^th birthday, the bridge was lit up in my father’s favourite colour – deep blue. All day it had been snowing, much to the chagrin of my mom.  But ultimately, I like to think my dad made that happen. Because with the bridge surrounded by a fresh snowfall, it truly stood out. The dark night sky also helped give the bridge a brilliant glow. It was definitely eerie to see it, and know that it was for him. One of the most surreal moments of my life. It was another time, too, where I truly appreciated the mark my dad left because, as a friend pointed out, not many people will ever get honoured by their community in such a manner.

May 3rd 2019

This year I was able to get my mom to Toronto TWICE! If you know my mom, you’ll know that this is quite momentous. I was also able to take her to two concerts – Massive Attack in September, and Snow Patrol. This, like all things in 2019, was bittersweet. The Snow Patrol tickets were a Christmas gift to my parents. They had such a great time coming to visit us in 2017 to see Alt-J at Massey Hall, and I felt Snow Patrol would be a great band to take them to next. (And actually, mom and I saw Snow Patrol together back in 2012, where a then-unknown singer named Ed Sheeran opened for them!) But the day, despite the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, was still extremely memorable and joyful. My Aunt Lorraine joined my mom on the trip up to Toronto, and together we made it a really fun ladies night! I took them shopping downtown at Sonic Boom, and we hung out at my apartment. At dinner, MC joined us to complete the foursome. The concert was emotional, but it felt therapeutic to be there at the same time. I had a Budweiser for Dad during the show, and at some point I think most of us shed a few tears. It was certainly an emotional release that I needed, and we all know the power that music has to heal. (More on the concert itself to come in my annual Rankings!) And also, my mom and aunt definitely learned they’re still a couple of party animals. We went out for drinks after the concert, and even though I dropped them off at their hotel just after Midnight, those two stayed up well into the night laughing and partying at their hotel room! Needless to say, some naps were needed the next day!

July 15^th 2019

I took a week off during the summer to spend an extended amount of time back in beautiful Niagara. One of my favourite childhood haunts is Rock Point Provincial Park. We spent many summer nights camping there, and many more days at the beach (even if it was just for the day). I could write an entire novel of happy memories from there! This day was my first time back in about six years. The shoreline was definitely a little beat up from the abornally wet spring, but the view of Lake Erie was just as I remember. As my mom always says, the water is very healing. And it was. It felt amazing to be in the sun, laughing with everyone, and listening to the waves. I know most will say nothing beats white sandy beaches along the ocean, but I’ll take Lake Erie any day of the week. I love days like this when you can reminisce, and feel like a kid again.

July 18^th 2019

While I was home in the summer, my cousin Amber was insisting that I go try on wedding dresses. I was hesitant because we didn’t have the entire entourage with us. I didn’t want to leave anyone out of the process! So there we were, having a platter of BBQ for lunch when finally she wore me down. I agreed to go to Second Dance Bridal in St. Catharines just to, in her words, “toot around a little bit”. I wasn’t exactly feeling “bridal” after inhaling about three different types of meat, French fries and coleslaw, so I didn’t think we’d be successful finding a dress. After all, what were the odds my mom, Amber and I would find it at the first store? … Well… pretty good odds it turns out! After trying on about 6 or 7 dresses that clearly weren’t “the one”, the helpful store assistant Sam announced that she had one more dress for me try on. She told us it was her favourite dress the store had ever received, and that she thought I would love it. Amber hated it on the hanger, but I was having fun so I put it on. As soon as I stepped out of the dressing room it was game over. My mom started crying and we all slowly realized I was wearing “the dress”! And then we realized how much trouble we were going to be in because we were missing my Aunt Lorraine, my cousin Shauna, and my BFF Maid of Honour MC… but it was all worth it because the dress is stunning and I cannot wait to show Sean on our wedding day!

August 7^th 2019

At the end of 2018 I joined WISE – Women in Sports & Events. It’s part of my efforts to help further my career and advance my contacts within the industry. And also, they host some really cool events. On this day, we lucked out. It was a Tennis themed event, taking place at the Rogers Cup, and as luck would have it, we’d get to see the legend, Serena Williams! But the main reason I was attending the event was because of the guest speaker – Stacey Allastar. Ms. Allaster is not only a fellow Wellander, but also part of a unique group. Allastar is one of five women from Welland, in the same age range, who went on to hold executive positions in sports management. See this article from the Toronto Star for the full scope (it’s really freaking cool actually.) For me, a career goal would be to be considered equal among those women. Allastar spoke a lot about the challenges women face working in sports. A lot of women leave the industry to start families, or find themselves pushed out of “boys clubs”. I was so inspired hearing her speak, and hearing about her journey. It re-energized me, and my passion for my career. And then, as the sun was setting, the cherry on top was getting to watch Serena Williams go to work. Another female who has overcome so much adversity, continues to battle her demons, but yet still strives to be the best. An incredibly empowering evening, and one I won’t soon forget.

 August 24th 2019

Sometimes, some of the best nights are the simplest. We went down to Niagara to visit my mom and we spent the afternoon playing shuffle board in the backyard. That night, we ended up at the Nagy’s house for a bonfire. The Nagy’s are long-time friends of my parents, in fact, my Dad & Brian had been friends since childhood. I have countless memories of spending time with their daughters, making dumb homemade videos, bonfires in their backyard, Christmas parties, skating on their homemade ice rink, and camping together at Long Point Provincial Park. I can’t explain, but there was something extra special about this August night. The music Brian had selected was as if my Dad was the one curating the playlist. Old songs from albums I hadn’t heard in years sparked an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. And then, the fish fry started and we ate some of the most delicious fish tacos I have ever had in my life! The stars were shining bright, and the air was fresh. A cozy, comfortable night in Dain City.

September 19^th 2019

I am pretty darn lucky. I work with an incredibly dedicated group of people, who bust their butts all year long. It’s hard to find someone at TSN who is underworked. And so when the TSN Fun Squad started the ball hockey tournament, it became a huge success because it provided us with a time to cool off, have some friendly (or not so friendly at times) competition, and have fun together. It’s important to be reminded why you get up every day and drag yourself out to Scarborough. My team, “Run PMC” (with the PMC standing for Programming-Marketing-Communications), didn’t make it to the playoffs (we lost a heartbreaker in the Round Robin), but it was still an awesome day under the sun. Some of us grabbed drinks afterwards on a nearby patio, and it felt like the perfect way to end summer. My 2020 goal: get the gang all together more often to share more laughs and give each other a chance to appreciate the incredible people we get to call coworkers.

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There’s many more days I could have, and wanted to write about, but when I reflect back on the year, these are some of the days I am most drawn to. Thanks for indulging me, and I hope you all get a chance to reflect back on your own 2019 experiences, good and bad.

As a preview of sorts for my annual concert rankings, here’s one of my favourite songs of 2019. Tame Impala released this song just before my birthday on March 22^nd. I listened to it for the first time on the TTC as I made my way downtown to do a little shopping. I had to hold back tears because the lyrics felt like they were perfectly capturing how I had been feeling since February. I could also just picture my Dad blasting this song on his stereo. Despite the fact that it was making me cry, I often turn to this song for a pick-me up. It’s got a catchy disco-psychedelic beat that only Tame Impala can pull off.

Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

The Chaos of Grief: Part I

2019 certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would. On December 21st 2018, when Sean asked me to marry him, I expected 2019 to become one of the best years of my life. Instead, on February 8th 2019, things took an awful turn. My father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 65. A regular Friday evening turned horrific.

I’ve debated for months about whether to blog about my grief, the anxiety I’ve experienced, and just the general confusion about day to day life. I have countless drafts saved. Part of me didn’t want to be so public with my inner thoughts, but then recently I decided I had too many things I wanted to share. There’s a lot of lessons you don’t fully learn and realize until you say goodbye to one of the key difference makers in your life.

I’m going to break up these blog posts and focus on some specific emotions, and feelings I’ve dealt with. I feel there’s too much to say in just one post, so I hope you’ll bear with me as I get this all out of my system.

Shock & Awe

I know a lot of people talk about how they can barely remember certain aspects of a life changing moment, but I feel like I can recite in pretty clear detail everything I said and felt in the immediate aftermath of my aunt calling to tell me the horrible news. There are many times where I catch myself going over that night in detail. It’s like I need to remind myself that this is reality. I try to stop myself in those moments. After all, I don’t want my lasting memories of my dad to be of that fateful night.

When you’re in such deep shock it’s hard to find the energy to keep up with the rest of your life. I find that over the past several months I haven’t been as engaged with my friends, and have often felt like I don’t have the capacity to support them in their own struggles. As I reflect on this summer, I know I’ve become more withdrawn than I normally would. I’ve skipped going to concerts because I would rather be alone at home. Or, I’ve purposefully avoided making plans with people because sometimes the idea of being social is too exhausting. I felt this way after the robbery in South Africa as well. When you’re moving away from a trauma, it’s hard to see when others around you may be suffering as well. Your own pain and confusion takes precedent and it becomes hard to focus on everything else. But I am starting to regret some of this. As summer begins to wind down, I am starting to feel like I wasted some of my days. (Regret is a theme I’ll touch on in another post).

I’ve so often felt like a zombie, or as my mom has often observed, we go through the days feeling like actors in our own lives. That we’re just playing a role. Going to work felt like that at first (and sometimes still does). I could put on my management hat and forget that I was the girl dealing with grief. But then reality would sink in. I’ve had times where I’ve cried on the TTC, or on my walk home. It can be anything. A thought, a memory, seeing the stars, a song coming on my Spotify. And then the haze comes back. Everything starts to feel surreal again, and the pain gets pushed down until the next time it resurfaces. I open my office door, turn on the computer, and begin to play my role.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with the most as it relates to my health anxiety is how truly fragile everything is. I can’t wrap my brain around just how suddenly you can lose someone. When I get caught in the shock, the questions rise up. Why now? Why this way? How do you just wake up one day and not know it’s your last day on earth? I find it incredibly terrifying to think of how quickly everything can be lost. How can there be no warning? No time to say goodbye? Why does it have to be so random? For me, when I can’t make sense of things I get very uncomfortable. My anxiety loves order and reason. Death is neither of those things. And so at times it’s caused me to spiral into some anxious times where I begin to fear those old fears – that I have cancer, that something is wrong with my heart, that I am going to die young and will miss out on everything.

I guess, that’s supposed to be the good lesson in all of this – the reminder that life is short and tomorrow is not promised. It’s supposed to make you appreciate the little things more, cross things off your bucket list, or finally make that move in your life you’ve been putting off. But there are so many times I feel frozen in fear. Whenever we make a new decision on something related to the wedding I get a little bit scared. “What if I don’t make it to my wedding and all of this is a waste?”. But I can’t let the shock do that to me. I know, deep down, I can’t live in fear constantly. I know that Dad wasn’t afraid of what was next. He often talked about how he didn’t fear death. It was the next adventure, the next part of the journey. It was something to be curious about. He also told me people with control issues tend to be the ones who fear death the most. As usual, he was right.

One thing I am thankful for in regards to my anxiety is that I feel it’s made me quite self-aware. I can recognize when I am withdrawing, or not supporting other people. But it’s hard to often do something about it. Especially when I’m trying to do things like be on my phone less, read more, and trying to get through the day. Throw in that work has been incredibly busy, and it just feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day to often tackle everything.

So what can I do? What can anyone do going through grief? I think it goes back to what one of the nurses told my mom that night. “You take things minute by minute, hour by hour”. Eventually the fog will begin to clear. I’ll find a way to stop trying to make sense of what happened, and just accept it. The sting will wear off.

With each of these posts I will close with a song that reminds of me Dad. They may or may not relate to each post. They just might be songs currently running through my mind. As I wrote this post I was listening to Kate Bush and the “Hounds of Love” album. Dad used to blast this album in our home when I was little, and together he and I would dance and sing around the house to it. So while I navigate all of this confusion, I know one thing is true. Somewhere, he’s up there in The Big Sky. Thanks for reading. 

 

 

 

 

 

12 Days of 2018

Tofino, BC

2018 has been an incredibly unique year, filled with experiences I never thought I’d ever encounter – both positive and negative. I haven’t blogged much over the past year, mainly because I’ve often struggled with the right words to detail what I am feeling. I also have often felt as is my words don’t matter, because I know so many other people close to me going through much worse obstacles. It’s hard for me to really articulate my own feelings when in comparison they feel meaningless to others.

Honestly, I also became really self-conscious about my blogging. I started it as a way to just get my anxiety out, and use it as a tool in my journey to easing my fears. It was also inspiring to receive messages from so many friends and colleagues saying “I understand you, I am going through the same thing, let’s help each other”. I never started doing it for the attention, or to cry “woe is me”. But I started to convince myself that everyone was judging me for writing. That people resented my blog, and saw it as the musings of someone complaining about their “first world problems”. I let the stigma of being open with my illness get to me.

And when I stopped writing, I noticed I got into my own head more this year. I let things fester more. So, in 2019 I am not entirely sure if I’ll continue writing publicly or what I’ll be doing, but I know I need to do more in 2019 in order to find the right key to getting my anxiety under control.

Anyways! Back to the matter at hand – my 12 Days of 2018. In what has become an annual tradition, I like to take some time and reflect on the days – big and small – that have had an impact on my life. It’s often a helpful reminder that things aren’t always bad, and that even though another year has flown by, a lot has happened.

Merry Christmas everyone – and stay tuned for the upcoming rankings of my year in concerts!

Blyde Canyon, South Africa

March 15^th 2018

Let’s get this one out of the way shall we? This was a horrible day. It’ll unfortunately stick with me for the rest of my life. It was the day we were robbed at gunpoint in Johannesburg. I don’t want to re-hash the exact details of what happened. It’s not what’s important here. The aftermath is. We continued on with our trip with the goal of finishing out the remaining three weeks we had planned in South Africa. However, about 48 hours after the robbery, the levels of anxiety and fear I was feeling were unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was terrified. I honestly believed that if we remained in that country we weren’t going to make it out alive. In the end, we cut the trip short and came home early. I had hoped that once we got home I’d return to “normal”. But that wasn’t the case. I spent the next couple of weeks at home cycling between anger, jealously, resentment, and found myself unable to make the simplest of decisions. Nothing felt right. I was incredibly angry that this happened to us. We also felt embarrassed and ashamed that we chose to come home. It felt like we were a bunch of cowardly losers. I have to say it took me a long time to start losing a lot of these emotions, and even then they still come up. I still have a hard time seeing everyone’s vacation photos on social media. I hate that this day is a moment in my life. I mourn the loss of the memories we didn’t get to make. Honestly, I could continue to ramble on about the after effects this day has had. Despite all the negative “side-effects”, I will say, nothing has made me more grateful for the country I live in and the city I live in than being exposed to such desperate conditions. Canadians have it very good. We should never forget that and always keep fighting to make it better.

Nambiti Game Reserve, South Africa

March 18^th 2018

The trip to South Africa wasn’t a complete waste, and it did provide me with one of the most epic moments of my life. On this morning, the day after we decided to come home early, we were on our final game drive as part of our stay at a safari lodge. (Side note – the staff at our lodge were some of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. They were so helpful and supportive of our situation, and truly opened their hearts to us. I could write an entire blog post about them alone). We were staying on a HUGE nature reserve, home to the African Big 5 and a whole host of other animals. It was incredible. But on this morning, as the sun was rising, we stumbled upon a pride of lions. The park is so big that often the game rangers “lose” sight of animals for weeks at a time. We later learned the rangers had been looking for the lions for the past several weeks to no avail. But then, finally on that morning we were the lucky jeep! It was so overwhelming to see these incredible creatures in the flesh that I started to cry. I took it as a hopeful sign that things were going to be OK, and to remember that there is beauty all around us. It was also just really freaking cool.

April 14^th 2018

A simple day on my calendar, but no less memorable. There was a huge snowstorm in Toronto on this day. My good friend Sarah & I were still determined to hang out, so we went to a local bar to watch the Raptors first playoff game. We had a great time, and it was one of the first times I remember just laughing, having fun, and not thinking about our recent trauma. Then sadly, I received some sad news about my co-worker Steve Hudson. Steve lost his battle with pancreatic cancer on this day. Another one of life’s reminders to be thankful for each day and each moment you can spend with friends and loved ones. You truly don’t know what’s around the corner, and Steve’s short battle with cancer was a stark reminder of that.

May 17^th 2018

I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by a strong group of women, and on this night we had just about all of us in one place as we went for dinner at a tiki bar! It’s tough to get us all in one place sometimes. Some of my friends are young moms, another friend is battling cancer, and the rest of us are just overworked with jobs and social obligations. But it’s wonderful for me to get us all together so we can appreciate having each other. Thanks ladies for all you do in my life!

July 20^th 2018

This was really an entire weekend – Sean & I spent the weekend up in Huntsville with a group of friends. What makes this weekend so memorable for me is that it was a carefree weekend (well, relatively, up until a rogue football caused some trouble, and a floating peacock escaped), with a group of people that have embraced me. I’m always really honoured that Sean’s friends have welcomed me so much (more on that later), and I’m really thankful to call all of them friends. I’m so glad we put the wheels in motion to make this weekend happen. It was a good reminder of why it’s important to get plugging away to actually make plans happen – versus always lamenting about all the things we didn’t do. It’s one of the positives that South Africa reminded me – if you have the chance to do something, DO IT. Don’t sit around and wait for it to happen, make it happen.

August 27^th 2018

On this day I had the chance to do something rare in life – which is complete a full circle. There’s part of my backstory that I don’t talk about much. Before I was born my parents lived briefly in Nanaimo, British Columbia. And before me, they had another daughter. April Dawn was my mom’s first child, and by all accounts was an angel on earth. She loved horses. And it was April who made the final call to move to Nanaimo form Welland after she says she was visited by an angel who told her it would be the best time of her life. The angel was right, my sister loved BC. But then tragically, in February 1983, my sister was crossing the road to visit her beloved horses when she was struck and ultimately killed by an impaired driver. She was only 7. My parents immediately left Nanaimo, and haven’t been back since. I was born two years later. On August 27^th I closed that circle and went back to pay tribute to April. Sean & I left flowers alongside heartfelt letters. I finally saw with my own eyes the neighbourhood they lived in, the school she went to, and got to experience what it would have been like to cross the ferry from Vancouver. It’s a moment I am so thankful for, and a memory I will cherish with me always.

And PS… don’t ever drive impaired.

From the ferry ride to Vancouver Island

August 28^th 2018

After stopping in Nanaimo, Sean & I drove onto Tofino. And, WOW. I truly left a piece of my heart in Tofino. What an incredible place. The best part of Tofino, though, was learning to surf! It was such a huge challenge, and I loved every second of it. I had so many doubts about being able to surf (what if I re-damaged my nerves, what if I drowned, etc), that I am so happy I put all of them to rest and just fully enjoyed the moment. I can see why so many people adopt a nomadic lifestyle in order to make surfing such a big part of their lives. It was incredibly addicting, and I hope our next trip together includes some more ocean time! It was another good reminder that it’s important to challenge yourself, set new goals, and try something that makes you a little uncomfortable – because the results may surprise you.

September 8^th 2018

One thing I discovered this year is RuPaul’s Drag Race. I cannot recommend this show enough. Not only is it the perfect show to binge watch when you want a good laugh, I actually find it’s taught me a lot about myself. Drag is all about challenging perceptions and rules. Growing up, I was never confident in myself. I often cycle through phases where I hate my clothes, my hair, my appearance, etc. I’ll admit that I keep my makeup pretty simple mainly because I feel like a fraud when I wear it. I honestly believe that people will look at me wearing lipstick and think “what a loser, she looks so terrible. She’s trying way too hard to fit in and be cool”. It’s a holdover from my teenaged years when I really felt down on myself. But, I love makeup. I love seeing how it can transform you, and be something fun to play around with. I don’t really think of makeup as something I “have” to do. I think of it as something where I can play around with my features and make myself stand out from the crowd. So, on September 8^th I met up with two friends, MC & Vicky, to attend the RuPaul Drag Race Werk the World show, and damnit, I curled my hair and put lipstick on. I did it to challenge myself, to make myself feel worthy of dressing up. If I don’t challenge my insecurities, then they win. And like Mama Ru says, “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love anybody else, can I get an amen?”

Crystal Beach

October 6^th 2018

Thanksgiving in Niagara is one of my favourite times of the year. we had a lot of wonderful memories visiting my family this year, but it felt most fitting to include Thanksgiving to this list, since after all, it’s the holiday meant to make you most appreciative for all you’ve been blessed with. I’m very lucky to have a supportive family. And as a side bonus, we got to celebrate my cousin’s engagement!

October 21^st 2018

I think this day makes the list every year, but once again completing the Scotiabank Waterfront 5km race was especially satisfying this year. It’s been a long road in the recovery process with my ulnar nerve injury. I haven’t run much at all over the course of this year, as having my elbows bent for any prolonged period often causes pain and numbness. But, I woke up early on a Sunday morning and found myself running one of my best times in several years. I broke the sub-30 minute mark again for my finish time, and I was completely thrilled. It proved to myself that I am making progress and am slowly getting back into fighting shape.

November 2^nd 2018

I alluded to this earlier, but I am always so incredibly thankful that Sean’s friends have embraced me like they have. And on this night I had the honour of being part of our friend Val’s bachelorette party. It really meant a lot to me to be invited and included, and to share this experience with everyone. And of course, it was an incredibly fun night filled with some pretty lasting memories (even with a minor detour at the end of the night).

November 3^rd 2018

The night after Val’s epic bachelorette party, Sean & I had a rare night out. Normally our weekends are filled with running errands, other social obligations, or just taking a chance to relax at home.  But earlier in the year Sean had surprised me with tickets to Come From Away, the musical about the town of Gander, Newfoundland in the wake of the September 11^th attacks. So we made it into a date night, complete with a delicious meal at one of our favorite restaurants beforehand. Not only was it special to spend a night out just the two of us (I am an incredibly lucky girl to have Sean in my life), but the show itself was an absolute joy to watch. I wholeheartedly loved it from start to finish, even crying several times throughout the show. I don’t get out to live theatre performances as often as I should, and normally I don’t like musicals, but this was a special experience. I’m so thankful Sean finally listened to my constant chatter about this show, and treated us to a lovely night out.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Merry Christmas everyone! Take care of yourselves in 2019

12 Days of 2016

As a throwback to last year’s post, I have decided to make this an annual blog posting. 2016 was another year of learning, and growth. While I stumbled a little, and dealt with some old anxiety induced habits, I still feel as though I am on the path to getting better and better.

So, in no particular order, here are 12 days that made an impact on my life in 2016.

Can you see the tears? I was bawling my eyes out!

12) January 1, 2016

Seems fitting to start at the beginning, no? This was a big day. It marked the official first full day (sun up, to sun down), that Sean and I began the adventure of living together! Yes, we made the awful decision to move during the holidays (I do not recommend it). As stressful as moving already is, for me it was extra stressful because due to my LEEP procedure in late 2015, I was unable to lift anything. Thankfully, we had so many wonderful friends help us out on moving day, New Years Eve, it made the day much smoother!

It’s been a wonderful year of living together. While Sean has had an exceptionally busy year work-wise, that even had him in living in Ottawa for a month, it’s been a seamless transition to cohabiting. Our home is cozy. We both love just sitting on our couches, binging TV shows, and having a glass of wine. The balcony in the summer was the perfect way to unwind on the weekends. I love being home, and I love that Sean is part of my home. I am so happy our relationship continues to thrive, and that even though I seem to constantly break our glassware, he doesn’t seem to mind coming home to me either.

I took this selfie to celebrate my good news!

11) July 7, 2016

This was a pretty ordinary day by most standards – I started off the day at work, then left early for an appointment. Except this was an important appointment. It was THE appointment where my cervix was given the all-clear!! As documented, I’d had some issues with abnormal cells in 2015, and it culminated in getting a LEEP procedure done. I was really worried that perhaps the treatment hadn’t worked, and that all of the cells weren’t collected. Or worse, that perhaps things had just kept progressing, and that now they would find cancer. But despite my catastrophic thinking – I was given the green light! Officially – I had to wait until the last round of pap smears came back, and the HPV test. But a few weeks later, a letter arrived in the mail confirming that my pap was normal, the HPV test was negative, and I was considered officially discharged from the Women’s Clinic at St. Michael’s Hospital. It was an incredible relief.

10) April 14, 2016

I learned something important on this day – that few things in life are better than spending a day by the ocean, and then heading out to watch your favourite hockey team host a Playoff game! I’ve been cheering for my beloved Panthers since I was 9. But up until this day I had never been to a game in person. It was everything I had hoped it would be!! While the Panthers lost Game 1 (they’d go on to win Game 2); the experience was unforgettable. I finally was able to meet some longtime internet friends as well, icing on top of the cake. What a great week, and can’t wait to go back again hopefully!!

9) October 14, 2016

This was a “down” day for me. On the surface – I should have been really excited. It was the night of Boobyball – an incredible fundraising event for breast cancer. But I was dreading it. It was a “themed” event, which meant my OCD/anxiety was convincing me that every piece of clothing that I did own, which loosely fit the event’s jungle theme, wasn’t good enough. I went shopping but found nothing. And so my thought cycle began. I didn’t think I’d fit in. I felt as though I’d be caught out as an impostor, and that I didn’t belong there. I didn’t feel pretty enough to be going. I felt like a loser trying to fit in with the cool kids. I thought long and hard about cancelling. The weather was also terrible. It seemed as though it just wasn’t meant to be. But, I put on my best outfit, got my hair to look just right, and dragged myself out the door.

When I got to Val & John’s place, I realized that Val was feeling the same – and it was oddly comforting to know I wasn’t alone. And in the end – it was a fantastic night. I realized once I got there, that I could fit in, and that none of my fears really mattered. I had a blast. And I am so thankful I didn’t let my anxiety get the best of me. I could have easily stayed home, and fell into a deeper hole. Instead, I went against my thoughts and had so much fun.

8) January 25, 2016

What a powerful evening. TEALPOWER Presents: From Broadway With Love – an evening of song in memory of the incredible Alison Salinas. It wasn’t just a fundraiser, or a celebration of life. It was a lot more than that, and it’s hard to put it all into words. It made you realize the impact one life can leave behind. One person can change the world. It reminded me to live in the moment, to live fully, and to love fully. It was so beautiful to see so many people paying tribute to one person. It also raised an incredible amount of money for cancer research. I am so proud to have volunteered,and play a very very very tiny role in this night. I won’t forget the voices I heard. I will carry this night with me always.

7) May 29, 2016

The annual BFF vacation! This time, MC and I visited Washington DC, and although it was sweltering hot, it was yet another great memory to add to our vault. I am so thankful for the times I get to spend with my BFF, especially just the two of us, and I am so happy we’ve been lucky enough to travel together for the last few years. Our next trip is coming up in February, so get ready Mexico – WE’RE COMING BACK!

6) January 30, 2016

In a similar vein as above, this one is about friendship. Sarah hosted a bunch of us ladies over to her place for wine, snacks, and good laughs. I think it shows that often the simplest plans can have the best memories. It was a great way to spend a cold, wintery night, and it turned out to be one of the few nights our whole group of girlfriends could all get together. (Or mostly all of us). Friendships like these, and my BFF, are what I am often most thankful for – and what make me happiest in life. I hope in 2017 we get to take more chances like this, and spend more nights laughing, sharing memories, and helping each other out.

5) December 4, 2016 

This one is just pure sentiment. I love Christmas. I actually  have dreams where I have panic attacks because I’ve missed watching my favourite Christmas specials. I love decorating for Christmas and making the house feel EXTRA cozy. So imagine my excitement when Sean and I FINALLY took our tree out of the box. (Yes, we have an artificial tree. The Christmas purist/environmental nut in me died a little when we bought it). To me; this is one of those times when the “little” moments mean the most. Sean & I ended up having a very nice day together. We went skating in the morning, then we watched football and decorated the tree. We even cranked some Christmas tunes. Now, our house is possibly the most adorable apartment in the history of all apartments (but I might be biased). And it’s extra special because it’s the first of hopefully many to come.

4) January 4, 2016 

Moving into a new neighbourhood had one big advantage – there is a Goodlife gym right across the street. I am not usually a “gym” person, but I was determined to get back into shape, and re-teach myself how to use weights. While I still have some goals to achieve, I can honestly sit here and say I am 100000x happier with my body today than I was when I signed up for the gym. I now crush circuit workouts, know how to use the TRX bands, feel confident again with weights, and am quite possibly stronger than I have been in years. I love going to the gym and seeing what new boundary I can push. I also love being at the gym because it gives me a great excuse to unplug from my phone. This Goodlife has terrible reception, so I can’t even be on social media even if I wanted to. So it’s fantastic – I can check out from the noise of social media, work, etc and just focus on working up a great sweat and pumping some energetic tunes. Can I also come out and admit I LOVE spin class? It feels great to be getting my body in shape, and using my energy for good instead of wasting it on anxiety.

Summer night at BMO Field; oddly enough against Seattle…

3) November 30, 2016 

There were a lot of big sporting moments this year, and in regards to Toronto FC especially, I went back and forth over which day I wanted to include – home opener, this game, or the MLS Cup. In the end, I’ve decided to include the Eastern Final Leg #2 match against the Impact. The atmosphere was unlike anything I’d ever experienced at BMO Field. It was electric. Not to mention – they also won in exciting fashion. Even though it was a cold, rainy night – I was working up a sweat and peeling off layers because I was jumping and screaming so much. I can honestly say it was one of the best sports moments I’ve ever witnessed. Sadly, they went on to lose the MLS Cup; and that night too was incredible despite the loss; but I am going to choose to focus on the positive instead! It always feels good to beat the Impact anyways!!! (Sorry Sean…)

2) April 26, 2016

It’s always difficult to say goodbye to loved ones, and we said goodbye to Granny on this day. My mom’s side of the family is very close – we’re a small group, and we look out for each other. What’s also amazing for me is that there are a lot of females on that side of the family, so I’ve always had strong female role models to look up to. Granny was one of them. However, there is always comfort in how families come together in difficult times, and this was no exception. In the end, we put together a celebration she would have been proud of, at her favourite restaurant no less. Her memory will live on in all of us, as we’ll never get tired of telling our favourite Olga stories.

1) June 12, 2016

The Ride To Conquer Cancer – one of the best weekends of my life. June 12th was the day we rode across the finish line in Niagara Falls. It is hard to describe the wave of emotions that comes across you as you complete the Ride. For the first time, I cried as I crossed the line. I thought I would cry at my Half Marathon finish, but I didn’t. But after two grueling days, the sudden surge of pride, accomplishment, happiness, and exhaustion just overcame me. It was powerful. We crossed as a team, and hugged each other. My family was waiting for me – the first time they’d seen me cross a finish line. I was so proud of myself, and my fellow Team Tealpower members. We did an amazing thing to help so many lives, and we did it in memory of a beautiful person. I also did it as a show of support for everyone in my life who has been impacted by cancer – aunts, my grandfather, my mother, friends, co-workers, and even just people I’ve known in passing. It was also amazing for me to push my body like that – and come out strong on the other side. I will never forget that weekend, and always be so thankful I was able to participate. I can’t wait for 2017’s ride!

My Tealpower teammates and I. This was taken on Day Two

So what’s next? Well, here’s what I hope to achieve and experience in 2017 (not a full list, of course):

-Become a faster knitter (I’d like for it to not take me three months to finish a scarf)

-Finally master push-ups

-Write more often (I actually have a bunch of half-written blog posts that need my attention)

-Run a new race

-Try a new recipe (or two, or three)

-Visit my family as often as possible

-Watch Season 4 of The Wire

What days impacted you this year? What are your hopes for 2017? I don’t believe in resolutions per se, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having new goals for the year. (I just encourage them to be realistic, and also to not be too angry with yourself if you break your “resolution” by January 2nd)

Merry Christmas everyone! Stay tuned for the annual year-end concert rankings!

The Things We Leave Behind

I’ve been trying to write a new blog post for about a month now. I have about three half finished posts, just sitting in my Drafts. I thought as we all reel from the news of Gord Downie, and grapple with one more amazing person about to be lost to cancer, that perhaps this was the post I needed to finish, and share with you all. 

Late in April, I said goodbye to my “Granny”. She was a fierce woman, and a personality that my family will miss dearly. It was my first time losing an immediate family member. I’ve been very fortunate. I am very uncomfortable with death, and am so grateful that up until now, I’ve only had to go to a handful of funerals and memorials. I know others have not been so lucky.

But one absolutely positive thing to come out of the heartbreak of losing Granny is that death gives perspective. It forces you to pause, and reflect. You suddenly become acutely aware of your place in the universe, and what you’ll leave behind.

As we cleaned out my grandmother’s things from the nursing home, my cousin spoke about how you just leave “stuff” behind, and what matters is the memories that your loved ones have of you. Of course we always see quotes that like when we scroll across our social media news feeds, but until you’re there, cleaning out the home of a dead loved one, that message really doesn’t sink in. The clothes I worry about on a day to day basis, will eventually just get donated or turned to rags. No one will remember that I accidentally wore a stained shirt one day to work. Certainly no one cares at this moment that when I first moved to Toronto I really had no idea what the word “style” really meant. It’s also true of the items we fill our homes with.

So from those little “ah-ha” moments during that time, I am trying to get back to loving myself more, and forgiving myself. I say this all too often, but I waste so much time being hard on myself. There’s so much I can’t control. But I have such a hard time dealing with that. I need to be in control. I’m impatient. I’m a perfectionist. I also have a pretty good memory, and I remember what I looked like when I was in better shape. It’s hard to forget that. I don’t feel proud of my body right now. So I need to work on getting that back.

Aside from the feelings associated with my body, dealing with a death always triggers a lot of deeper anxiety for me. I have a real problem with death. It terrifies me. I have so many fears. I have days where I am convinced of the Afterlife and that something awaits, but then others I think that can’t be possible, and that there really isn’t anything beyond this life. My mind starts to think “how can there be heaven if we have so much suffering? What is the point of creating a world where depending on where you live you might have a great life, or a really, really horrible one?”, and it goes on and on.

But really, I am just scared to say goodbye to the people I love and care about. My family means the world to me, and I can’t bear to think of saying goodbye to everyone. Change doesn’t allow me to be in control. When suddenly that one person won’t be at Christmas Dinner anymore, I get so anxious thinking about how different things will be. How will I cope without certain people? I suppose you could call it the world’s worst case of “FOMO” as well. I get sick thinking about all the things I could miss out on one day, especially if I die young.

My Granny & I 

So how do you become more comfortable with the idea of death? For me, the only way would be knowing with 1000000% certainty that an Afterlife exists, and that YES you get reunited with everyone. That’s the controlling nature in me, the anxiety that needs ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY. But that doesn’t exist in life. Maybe what losing Granny has also taught me is that in addition to spending time working on my mental health, I need to work on my spiritual health. Because the day will come when I will have an even more devastating death to mourn, and I want to make sure I can get through.

And then, with some of the roots of my anxiety laid bare, we return to the original point of this post. Only the memories are what matter. The relationships you forge – whether it’s family, friends, animal companions, whatever, that is what transcends everything else. I can’t take six pack abs with me to the Afterlife, and certainly they won’t be on display at a memorial. (Seriously, have you ever seen anyone’s ACTUAL body at a funeral? Another reason I should stop worrying about what my stomach looks like). Sure, you can be remembered for being an active, athletic person, but is that why people truly love you? Is it the only reason they’ll always be there for you? Odds are, no.

So with that being said, it’s about doing what all of those internet quotes tell you to do: “Live. Laugh. Love”. With doing that, hopefully I can find peace and eventually accept that one day, everything will be out of my control.

Thank you, as always, for reading and of course, share any advice you may have for myself or others.