The Chaos of Grief: Part II

Homeward Angel, painted by Ross Beard (2005)

Today is Bell Let’s Talk, and it’s serving as a good excuse for me to get back to writing, and my series on Grief. Part I focused on the “Shock & Awe”, the initial confusion and disorientation that happens after losing a loved one. For this entry…. we’re going to talk about the darker side of grief.

Anger & Guilt

When we think of anger during the grief process, we think of it as the blame game. We want answers. We want rationalization as to why this possibly could have happened. Some people get angry with their faith. How could their God do this to them?

The anger I’ve been dealing with has often been more abstract. And before I go too far with this… I want to make something very clear, aka, I’m writing this to you Mom… I’m not mad about the events that transpired that night. I’m not mad at my mom, the paramedics, the hospital, none of them. From the way it all happened, there was nothing anybody could have done differently in those moments.

But, my confession is that I sometimes struggle with anger towards my Dad. Why didn’t he go get his heart checked more often? Why was he so stubborn about seeing the doctor? The “what if” scenarios really get under my skin, wondering about what could have been different if he had approached his health care differently. I’m also really angry at him for not being here anymore. How could he just leave us like that?

But deep down I know… I’m not actually angry with him. I’m feeling guilty. Guilt for not being around more when he was alive, not writing down the many stories he used to tell, not chatting with him online more or on the phone, all the times I got annoyed or frustrated with him, the list goes on. I’m actually angry that I didn’t appreciate the moments I had with him more. I’m angry with myself. I’m angry that I don’t live closer to my Mom, that I can’t be there more for day to day things, and that I wasn’t there more often even before all of this.

And that anger has often made it’s way to other people. There’s been times when I have unfairly snapped at Sean, or have been frustrated with others. Often times I may lash out when I feel that I am being asked to do too much. My defenses go up very quickly. My level of patience is very low, and I often find myself feeling annoyed at the smallest of inconveniences.

Anger is an ugly emotion. I feel a lot of physical pain when I am angry. My adrenaline pumps. I get exhausted, but yet, I don’t sleep well. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a darker version of who I really am. It brings out my worst qualities. And it’s also all really confusing. I never feel like I know if I am truly upset about something, or if it’s the grief. I feel like I don’t know myself, and my emotions at times. And I find the anger is hard to overcome, because you can’t resolve it the way you want to. If I were mad at a friend, I could contact them and try to find a solution, or at least have my feelings heard. But here, I can’t do that. I can’t yell at my Dad or ask him questions. I can’t have my feelings truly heard. Because I am talking about more than prayer, or writing in a journal, etc. A face to face conversation cannot happen, and that just feeds the anger even more because it’s all just a reminder that he’s gone. I think, too, the anger we experience when we’re grieving is because we’re exhausted. We’re done. We’re tired of talking, thinking, reacting. We just don’t want to do it anymore because everything feels pointless.

The guilt is really hard. Forgiveness for this type of guilt has to come from within, and as my therapist will tell you, I am extremely hard on myself. I rarely forgive myself. Instead, I tend to use the anger towards myself as a motivator. But that is of course, an unhealthy relationship.

So, for those who have been through this before let’s go with the spirit of today – and let’s talk about the anger, the guilt, the resentment. All those ugly feelings. Get them out into the open. Vent, rant, speak up. And also, share with me how you dealt with it. How did you forgive? How do you cope? Share your stories, and let’s get through this together. Because we can’t carry around these heavy emotions that weigh us down. We need to find freedom.

Thanks for reading, and today I close with The Moody Blues and the song “Question”. A staple in our household. I feel the frenetic energy in this song captures the roller coaster of anger, grief, and longing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concert Rankings – 2019!

Metric

Here we go! The annual, sometimes controversial, concert rankings!

Admittedly, this year was a little “lighter”. Only 15 bands ranked this year! But… the tough thing about seeing fewer bands than normal is they’re harder to rank, because frankly, all the shows I saw this year were pretty awesome. So here’s my attempt to rank ’em!

15. Jagwar Twin (Meridian Hall, October 6th 2019)

For everyone reading this over the age of 25, you know when you go to a concert and see an opening band and while you’re sipping your drink it hits you…. you are too old for this band. That’s happened to  me a few times, but was pretty evident when Jagwar Twin hit the stage, opening for Avril Lavigne. In this case I realized I was probably old enough to be the mother of anyone a fan of this band…

14. July Talk (Scotiabank Arena, April 26th 2019)

CONTROVERSIAL RANKING ALERT (except if you’re Rob Duffy). I love July Talk, and I love seeing them live. But I can’t put my finger on it, this night wasn’t right. I think it was a combination of the fact they were the opener for Metric, and so they were playing to a near-empty venue. And while July Talk have a huge sound, I am not 100% sure they’re ready for arenas yet, or that it’s the right venue for them at all. The best part of this band is feeling like you’re apart of their frantic energy on stage, and feeling connected. Being in a venue like the Scotiabank Arena puts a lot of physical distance between us and the band. Even when I’ve seen them at festivals it’s felt more intimate. Thankfully, I did also see July Talk another time this year (stay tuned for a special ranking on that), so all was not lost!

13. Avril Lavigne (Meridian Hall, October 6th 2019)

You’re probably thinking, “Tesla, why were you at an Avril Lavigne concert?!” It was a surprise for Sean’s brother, who is a huge fan! I will say… it was a lot of fun rocking out to songs I haven’t heard since high school. It was also really cool to see the next generation of young girls singing along to Avril’s hits. The knock I’d give against her is that her voice isn’t that strong, but she was smart enough to keep her ballads to just a medley to avoid burning out her pipes!

12. Of Monsters and Men (Budweiser Stage, September 11th 2019)

Honestly, everything from Iceland is just so cool. These guys have made the rankings before, and I was really looking forward to this show as I love their latest album, Fever Dream. The atmosphere for this show was interesting – it was a rainy night by the lake, and so there was a fog settling amongst the crowd (thankfully for Kim & I, we were under the roof. Sadly, my buds John & Val were not so lucky). And also… a lot of people were surprisingly drunk for an indie folk/rock concert! Overall, I loved this show. This band are incredibly talented, and they always sound so polished live. My one gripe is there were some “slow” moments through the setlist where I found they kept too many slow songs together, instead of mixing it up with their hits. But anytime I get to dance to “Little Talks” is always a good night in my books!

11. Metric (Scotiabank Arena, April 26th 2019)

So I learned something this year. I learned that when you’re dealing with a lot of emotional stress, you can have next to no recollection of memorable events… and this concert is one of those nights. I actually forgot I attended this concert at all until I was going through my calendar. Thankfully, I make notes (yes I know, I can’t help being Type A), and it helped jog my memory. The main reason, I think, this concert is locked away in my memory bank is because it was unexpectedly emotional. As Emily Haines was singing “No Lights on the Horizon” I realized that the last new CD I brought home for my Dad to listen to was Metric. So cue some tears. Aside from that moment, the other standout memory was “Dressed to Suppress” sounding phenomenal live (I do recall jumping along to that one and belting it out), and the song showcased not only Emily Haines’ incredible talents, but Jimmy Shaw was excellent on guitar.  Hopefully, the next time I see them will stick in the forefront a little more!

10. Vampire Weekend (Echo Beach, June 5th 2019)

This concert definitely sticks in my memory – which is ironic because I spent most of the show on my tip-toes trying to see! This would rank as one of the tallest crowds I’ve ever stood in. BUT, they opened with “Harmony Hall” and instantly I didn’t care whether I could see or not! I think Vampire Weekend would win one of the best setlists of the year. Their catalogue is so extensive, there’s always going to be something you don’t hear, but considering this was my first ever show of theirs, I heard all of the heavy hitters. But performance aside, something else made this night memorable. I ended up spending the concert hanging out with my co-worker and friend, Rob Duffy, and a group of his close friends. It was really special getting to hear them reminisce about the previous Vampire Weekend shows they’ve attended, and seeing the bonds this group have. I felt honoured to be with them!

9. The Head and the Heart (Meridian Hall, October 20th 2019)

I seem to have a strange tradition – anytime I run a race, I seem to have a concert either that night or the day before! On this day I got myself out of bed at about 6am to run in the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront 5km, and somehow I stayed awake long enough to enjoy a concert! But this was a night for celebrating! Our friends John & Val had literally just bought their first home, and it was the first time we could all really sit back and toast. So with all of that as the backdrop, we were able to enjoy a really fun concert. The Head and the Heart are such a perfect mix of country, folk, and rock. They rank, for me, as one of those bands (like Alt-J), that I discovered and fell in love with when I was living on my own and would listen to Indie88 all the time in my little basement apartment. Their hit “Shake” was everywhere on radio, and it immediately brings me back to those times as I discovered who I wanted to be. Whenever I get to see a band like this with Sean, it makes everything feel very “full circle”. Their latest album Living Mirage is definitely their most mature, and in some respects “mainstream”, but I was happy that it translated well on stage. The album was a fixture this summer, as my mom was always blasting it on the stereo whenever we’d visit. Their harmonies as a band are just incredible, and I love the swells in so many of their choruses. To me, their music is happiness and joy, even though so many of their songs are about loss. I guess, in some ways, it’s how I see the beauty in some of life’s toughest moments.

8. Dream Serenade (Roy Thompson Hall, November 2nd 2019)

I thought a lot about how to rank this night. Dream Serenade isn’t a band, but rather it’s a benefit concert put on by the artist Hayden and a slew of guest artists. It was a beautiful night of music and inspiring stories. The concert itself benefits families of children with different physical and developmental disabilities and their caregivers. On the bill, officially, were acts like Donovan Woods, U.S. Girls, Shad, Barenaked Ladies, July Talk and Matt Berninger (lead singer of The National). Alongside these artists, surprise guests made the night feel even more special. Canadian 80’s rock band Rough Trade came out and sang “High School Confidential” with the Barenaked Ladies, Tom Cochrane performed three songs (and even convinced Kevin Drew to come on stage during “Life is a Highway”), and Basia Bulat performed alongside U.S. Girls. This night truly felt like something special and meaningful to so many. And also… it was really funny being in the same concession line as Kevin Drew and Jason Collett! Big thanks to our friends Kevin & Heather for the last minute invite, as I think Sean & I will definitely try to make this a regular on our calendar!

7. Massive Attack (Meridian Hall, September 18th 2019)

This was an anniversary tour, with Massive Attack touring their album Mezzanine for its 20th anniversary. This album was a staple in the Beard household through my early teens. Hearing it immediately takes me back: The song “Protection” is playing, I’m sitting on the couch in my parents’ living room, the lights dimmed with my mom’s 10,000 candles going, and my dad sitting in his favourite chair, beer in hand, legs crossed and his toe tapping along to the beat. I am probably taking fistfuls of chips and trying to figure out where my cat has gone hiding (he used to hate my dad’s stereo). We might have had a hockey game on the TV, or maybe not. People might be visiting, or maybe it’s just the three of us. And then maybe I’d wander back upstairs, because after all it was the heyday of ICQ & mIRC chats, so I probably had people to chat with online. And in so many ways I’m desperate to go back to those times. This concert brought up a lot of those feelings.

Nostalgia aside, Massive Attack put on an incredible stage show. It was a sensory overload with an incredible light show and giant video screen behind the band that played an eclectic mix of videos. Everything from soundwaves, to videos of war torn countries. Mezzanine is, of course, a dark album from a dark time in the band’s history. The show, in so many ways, was perfect for the tone of the album (which has aged incredibly. Give it a listen if you have never heard of this band). My nit-pick moments with the show – at times I felt the vocals were drowned out by the instruments (especially Liz Fraser on “Teardrop” sadly), and I would place a heavy bet that many members of the band still aren’t friendly, as there was little interaction between members.  However, getting to hear the aforementioned “Teardrop” live, amongst others, felt like checking a bucket list item off.

6. Joseph (Mod Club, September 24th 2019)

My girls! I flipping love this band. I discovered them at Field Trip, and haven’t looked back since. Their harmonies, their lyrics, and just even their style. If I was in an all-girl band, I would probably want it to be something like Joseph. MC and I had a date night for this show, and it was a fantastic night! We were close (OMG I COULD SEE EVERYTHING. It was glorious), and our favourite three sisters – Natalie, Allie, and Meeghan, were in perfect form with their vocals absolutely filling the room, and Natalie’s guitar playing on point. Their energy on stage is infectious, and as MC so aptly put it – “they are really FEELING every lyric”. I think my favourite part of the night was when Allie coyly asked the Mod Club staff if the disco ball could be lit up for the next song, which happened to be their song “NYE” from their latest album. When the chorus hit, the disco ball started going and it was magical! And yes, this song will be played at our New Year’s Eve party! Again… highly recommend these girls and please check them out if you want a badass blend of folk harmonies with a little rock & roll. (And if you don’t believe me, please watch this video of their song “Green Eyes” and don’t tell me their blend of delicate vocals with all out wails isn’t perfection)

5. Snow Patrol (Danforth Music Hall, May 3rd 2019)

I’ve obviously already written a little bit about this concert in my “12 Days of 2019“, so I’ll try not to repeat myself too much about the emotional weight behind this concert. I’ve only been able to see Snow Patrol once before, and that was over 7 years ago, but Mom & I both agreed they were an incredibly talented band to see live. And this night was no different – with my one complaint being that it felt they ended the night too early (only 17 songs!!) However, I will say the 17 songs they did play were nearly perfect (nearly… except for the fact they didn’t play “Spitting Games” possibly my favourite tune of theirs BUT FINE, I WILL FORGIVE THEM). OK, back to the actual concert… Gary Lightbody’s voice was perfect, and the entire band brought forth a huge amount of energy. Gary even politely asked the crowd to remain quiet during some of their slower songs in order for us all to properly enjoy the moment, something I really appreciated! (In case you haven’t noticed… I hate when people talk through concerts…) It’s really a shame that people only know this band as the “Grey’s Anatomy” band with the song about chasing cars… because they should be selling out arenas (their sound can easily fill one). I guess I should be thankful, though, that I still get to see them in intimate venues! I highly recommend their latest album Wildness, especially the song “Life on Earth” which sounded incredible live. Next time, boys, play a longer set OK??

4. Arkells (Budweiser Stage, June 22nd 2019)

Fourth time seeing these guys in two years, you think I’d be getting sick of them? Well, the former top-ranked band are back in the top five! This year’s outdoor show at the Amp had a Motown theme, and even though some of our friends didn’t enjoy the Motown laced encore, Sean & I had a blast. Also… how can you really top Raptors head coach Nick Nurse coming out to perform?? I mean COME ON. It was PERFECT. The city was still electric from the Raptors win, and this concert really officially kicked summer off. Yes, the encore filled with cover songs meant we didn’t get to hear a lot of Arkells classics… but I am totally OK with it. It was just SO.MUCH.FUN. And memorable, and one of a kind, and something we’ll never experience again! I’ll re-live it all again.

Honourable Mention. F*ck the Bridge (The Great Hall, February 23rd 2019)

Before I get into the top 3, I’d be completely remiss if I didn’t give a shoutout to one of the most special performances I was able to witness this year. In case you didn’t read my “12 Days” post, then you would have missed the shoutout to John & Val’s incredible wedding day, featuring a live performance by the bride herself in her band! They performed a three song set of meaningful songs – “Stay” by U2, “Never Thought That This Would Happen” by Arkells, and “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by The Darkness. (Please check out the videos, my words really don’t do justice how awesome it is so see a bride in her dress rocking out on the bass and keyboards, not mention how talented the band is!) My personal favourite “I’m getting chills moment” is always when we watch their Arkells cover and the strings come in. That will stick with me forever.

3. Broken Social Scene (Danforth Music Hall, April 25th 2019)

A year doesn’t feel complete if I haven’t seen BBS live in concert! I’ve begun to lose count, and they’ve made numerous appearances on this list. It’s always hard for me to pass up a chance to see one of my favourite bands perform live. So let’s talk about how the heck this made Top 3. First and foremost – FEIST. She rarely performs with the band anymore, so it’s always special getting to hear her sing some of my favourites like “Hotel” (Side note.. they also brought out Jason Collett! He also NEVER plays with them anymore!!). Now, let me also set the scene for what made this show extra special… They opened with “Pacific Theme” and we were off and running! Except… Kevin Drew’s amp then starting to have issues. The result? An impromptu jam session! Rob & I felt like we were getting to watch a glimpse of what it must be like in the recording studio. It was so much fun, and one of my favourite live BSS moments of all time. The other highlight of the night? Kevin Drew asking everyone to scream to let their demons out. You can bet I yelled the loudest. Spending a night with BSS is like catching up with an old friend you haven’t seen in awhile, but you know they’ve got your back, and you always pick up right where you left off.

2. Tame Impala (Budweiser Stage, July 26th 2019)

Probably THE most anticipated show of the year for not only myself and Sean but also John & Val who joined us on this wonderful Friday night. I had my Dad on my mind a lot before and during this show. We gave my Dad a copy of Tame Impala’s last record Currents, and I don’t think he ever stopped playing it. He and I talked a lot about making sure we’d all go see them live next time they came to town. So it was incredibly bittersweet to be there without him. But, in so many ways, he was still there. From the Budweiser in my hand, to the picture perfect sunset that preceded the concert, to the energy in the air that summer night. The entire concert start to finish was a blast (with a lot more confetti canons than I would have expected!). Absolutely no lulls in the setlist, and the new material sounded incredible. One of the great aspects of Tame Impala is even slower jams like “The Less I Know The Better” still make you sway and feel engaged with the performance (versus running for the concession stand) It was another visually entertaining show with lots of lasers, moving lights – making you feel like you had simultaneously taken drugs and gone to space. (Again, like Massive Attack though, not a fun experience if you’re light sensitive!) The band sounded phenomenal, just like I remembered them from Massey Hall in 2015. We were definitely left wanting more, with so many incredible songs still left on the table (thankfully… we already have tickets to see them again in 2020!)

*drum roll please* 

1. White Lies (Mod Club, May 4th 2019) 

If I had posted my Spotify summary of 2019 it would have spoiled this result, this year for me has been the year of White Lies. They released their album Five earlier this winter, and it would definitely land as my “Album of the Year”, with the lead single “Tokyo” as one of my favourite songs of the year too. (Oh, and that song sounded incredible live!) I just had an absolute blast at this concert, dancing and belting out tunes. I’ve reflected back on this show the most, and in a heartbeat would go back to this show before all others I saw this year. White Lies are a big sound band playing in small venues, and like Snow Patrol, I wish they could be playing arenas. Their music is built for it (in fact, in Europe they do often play larger shows). In true British rock fashion, they are charming and know how to engage a crowd. Everyone sings along, jumps, and dances. They started out flawlessly – opened with “Time To Give”, slapped us all with the older jam “Farewell to the Fairgrounds”, and then launched into “There Goes Our Love Again” (the song that Sean told me to check out on our first date, which sent me down a spiral of love for this band… and I guess in some ways Sean! Haha). They didn’t let up, until closer “Bigger Than Us” when we all knew it was time to go home. I didn’t want the show to end, and could have gone for another round. My concert of the year with a bullet, and really hope they come back again sooner than later (or who knows, maybe we can catch them in their native England).

That’s it everyone! Thanks for reading! As always, get out there and experience what you love whether it’s concerts, the theatre, whatever! It’ll fuel your soul and lift you up. Take care, and enjoy the holidays! I’ll leave you with White Lies to take us home… 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12 Days of 2019

I feel like I broke a bit of a promise. I came out of hiding and wrote my first entry about grieving, and then just stopped… Naturally, one of the blog ideas I have for my informal “series” on grief is about motivation, and how I seem to have lost it. I did really expect to keep writing, it felt really therapeutic to do so last time, but here we are, nearing the end of 2019 and I didn’t keep it up.

I am sure many of us out there are feeling the same. Where did the time go? There’s also the added knowledge that a decade is ending… forcing all of us to wonder, where did the past ten years go?! It’s a humbling time, and for me this year, an overwhelming experience. I’ll get into that in more detail another time, but really, I haven’t felt this “stuck” in a long time.

Therefore, in my quest to begin to rediscover myself, my passions, and frankly, to reconnect with people, here is the annual tradition. Here, in chronological order, are the 12 Days of 2019* that shaped my life.

December 21^st 2018*

Yes, I am cheating and including a date from last year! BUT… technically, this date happened after I published last year’s 12 days… so I am including it! On December 21^st, I woke up in a terrible mood. I had a few things planned: go to the gym, get my nails done, and finish Christmas shopping. Then Sean and I were going to relax before heading out on our annual Christmas journey visiting all of our families. My anxiety was not happy, however, because I had slept in, and in my mind that meant I ruined my entire day.  And so I woke up, cried, got angry and just generally spent the day in a “mood”. Flash forward to the evening, I was feeling a little better. Sean and I were heading out to Kringlewood, our Christmas tradition. On Inglewood Drive near St. Clair and Mount Pleasant, the entire street is filled with giant inflatable Santas. (And all of the houses look like they are straight out of Home Alone.) We love going! This year, as Sean and I were about to leave I asked him for a hug. I noticed something odd, his heart was POUNDING. I was a little alarmed, but he seemed okay so I didn’t bring it up… We get home from the street of Santas, and we begin wrapping some gifts. Sean keeps the music going playing Haim, Sam Roberts, and The Beatles. Finally, about three hours after we got home from Kringlewood, I go to the bathroom. This is a key detail. Sean needed to place a special item in our Christmas tree, and he needed me out of the room. What he didn’t count on is that I would nurse one small beer and somehow not need a pee break for hours! I wander out from the bathroom and Sean hands me a card. Inside, it contained all the funny and embarrassing quotes he has had over the years. But 2018 was blank, and when I asked why he didn’t put a quote for 2018, he answered by reaching into our Christmas tree and pulling out a tiny box. He then got down on one knee, and for the second time that day I was crying. Needless to say though, these were some of the happiest tears of my life.

January 13^th 2019

I’ve written about my wonderful group of girlfriends before, and on this day we finally got all of us in one room. It’s a rare feat! Everyone is always so busy and scattered amongst Southern Ontario. Throw in some kids and it truly is like herding cats! Admittedly, they’re a group I feel I  have most unintentionally disconnected myself from as this year has gone by. I feel I didn’t reach out as much as I should, or just check in as often as I should have with others. We have a group chat where we vent, share stories, memes, and provide a space for all of us to seek comfort when we need it. Given how busy everyone is, and my tendency to not want to burden people with my problems, I definitely became more withdrawn as the year went on. I’ve been through a lot of conflicting emotions. I’ve often felt forgotten about, or I’ve let my anxiety sometimes convince me that people don’t want to reach out to me because they know my answers might be depressing (and that is in general, not specifically directed to this group). Recently, most of us attended a Christmas party hosted by our friends Amanda & Alan, and it was really wonderful to be surrounded by this group again. There’s so much love, and I am truly grateful to have them in my corner when I need it. Now hopefully we’ll all be in the same room more than once in 2020!

February 8^th 2019

The best and worst part about everyday life is that when you wake up each day, you truly have no idea what surprises might occur. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and discover you’ve won the lottery, or that the rainy forecast for your outdoor BBQ has turned sunny. Little or big, each day has the potential to catch you off guard. But nothing, absolutely nothing, prepares you for having the rug pulled out from underneath you. On this day I went to work, and Sean picked me up afterwards. We were going to spend the evening supporting a friend of ours at the opening night of his play in Scarborough. A pretty standard Friday. And then I checked my phone at intermission. Missed calls. Voicemails. I stepped outside, and called my aunt. Then the world stopped. Just like that. For a brief time, as I sat in the lobby of the theatre being consoled by our friends, there was part of me that truly believed if I never left that bench, reality would never catch up to me. I wouldn’t have to go to Welland and deal with a world without my father.

Sadly, that’s not what happens when life hands you devastating news. You have to deal with it, whether you want to or not.

February 17th 2019 

Somehow through the fog, we planned my dad’s Celebration of Life. We chose the Welland Legion, namely because it was informal and a place where we could host a large party to celebrate him. He would have been so furious with us if we planned a full blown funeral. He wanted laughter, music, and memories to be shared. We had a feeling the turnout would be large (Dad was, after all, part of a big family), but we were completely blown away that at least 400 people came through the doors to bid their farewell. It was a flood of memories and faces I hadn’t seen in years. Reunions some of us never thought possible. But most of all, it was incredibly moving to see the impact my father made on people. How many of us can say they will pack a room to its capacity when their time is up? It also made me reflect a lot on how he lived his life. I often feel bad that I never took my parents travelling, or that Dad & I never made it to New York. Those of us who escape to big cities tend to think we have larger social circles than the ones we leave behind in the small towns. But at the end of the day, through the roots my Dad created by staying in Welland nearly his entire life, my Dad cast a web far greater than I could ever hope to. (I will also say, he was also really good at keeping connected to distant family and friends). Geographically, his world was small. But socially, my Dad was the Mayor of Margaret Street. Everyone was welcome in his home, and it shows in the lasting relationships and bonds he created. I now want to strive to create those bonds for myself. To host friends in the same manner he did. To welcome strangers without judgement. Mom and I did him proud that day, and I think back to that afternoon often, wishing in some ways I could go back and share more stories, more laughs, and more tears.

February 23^rd 2019

Have you ever been to a wedding where not only the bride & groom open the dance floor with hip hop karaoke, but where the bride also performs a 3 song setlist with her rock band? Because that’s exactly what we did at John & Val’s wedding! In the days leading up to their wedding, I really had no idea how I would get through it. Not only was I still on an emotional roller coaster, but this wedding meant a lot to Sean & I since we were seeing some of our closest friends wed (and for Sean, he also had Best Man duties to fulfill!) I was also dreading having to answer questions. Many people at the wedding were also present the night I got the call about my Dad. It was a lot. But, at the end of the day, life is not only about mourning loss, but celebrating love and joy. And it was so incredible to be one of the many people there to support John & Val, and shower them with support for a happy life together. The night created a host of new memories for us all to share (with a video made by John to prove it).

March 5th 2019

My father passed away just weeks before his 66^th birthday. Nearly immediately after his death, my aunt and several others began asking the City of Welland to find a way to honour the man who so beautifully captured the town’s spirits in his artwork. Incredibly, they put together the perfect tribute. Thanks to the Welland Canal, the city has an iconic bridge, Bridge 13. Similar bridges have lined the Canal throughout its history, and my father used these bridges as many of his muses. So on what would have been his 66^th birthday, the bridge was lit up in my father’s favourite colour – deep blue. All day it had been snowing, much to the chagrin of my mom.  But ultimately, I like to think my dad made that happen. Because with the bridge surrounded by a fresh snowfall, it truly stood out. The dark night sky also helped give the bridge a brilliant glow. It was definitely eerie to see it, and know that it was for him. One of the most surreal moments of my life. It was another time, too, where I truly appreciated the mark my dad left because, as a friend pointed out, not many people will ever get honoured by their community in such a manner.

May 3rd 2019

This year I was able to get my mom to Toronto TWICE! If you know my mom, you’ll know that this is quite momentous. I was also able to take her to two concerts – Massive Attack in September, and Snow Patrol. This, like all things in 2019, was bittersweet. The Snow Patrol tickets were a Christmas gift to my parents. They had such a great time coming to visit us in 2017 to see Alt-J at Massey Hall, and I felt Snow Patrol would be a great band to take them to next. (And actually, mom and I saw Snow Patrol together back in 2012, where a then-unknown singer named Ed Sheeran opened for them!) But the day, despite the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, was still extremely memorable and joyful. My Aunt Lorraine joined my mom on the trip up to Toronto, and together we made it a really fun ladies night! I took them shopping downtown at Sonic Boom, and we hung out at my apartment. At dinner, MC joined us to complete the foursome. The concert was emotional, but it felt therapeutic to be there at the same time. I had a Budweiser for Dad during the show, and at some point I think most of us shed a few tears. It was certainly an emotional release that I needed, and we all know the power that music has to heal. (More on the concert itself to come in my annual Rankings!) And also, my mom and aunt definitely learned they’re still a couple of party animals. We went out for drinks after the concert, and even though I dropped them off at their hotel just after Midnight, those two stayed up well into the night laughing and partying at their hotel room! Needless to say, some naps were needed the next day!

July 15^th 2019

I took a week off during the summer to spend an extended amount of time back in beautiful Niagara. One of my favourite childhood haunts is Rock Point Provincial Park. We spent many summer nights camping there, and many more days at the beach (even if it was just for the day). I could write an entire novel of happy memories from there! This day was my first time back in about six years. The shoreline was definitely a little beat up from the abornally wet spring, but the view of Lake Erie was just as I remember. As my mom always says, the water is very healing. And it was. It felt amazing to be in the sun, laughing with everyone, and listening to the waves. I know most will say nothing beats white sandy beaches along the ocean, but I’ll take Lake Erie any day of the week. I love days like this when you can reminisce, and feel like a kid again.

July 18^th 2019

While I was home in the summer, my cousin Amber was insisting that I go try on wedding dresses. I was hesitant because we didn’t have the entire entourage with us. I didn’t want to leave anyone out of the process! So there we were, having a platter of BBQ for lunch when finally she wore me down. I agreed to go to Second Dance Bridal in St. Catharines just to, in her words, “toot around a little bit”. I wasn’t exactly feeling “bridal” after inhaling about three different types of meat, French fries and coleslaw, so I didn’t think we’d be successful finding a dress. After all, what were the odds my mom, Amber and I would find it at the first store? … Well… pretty good odds it turns out! After trying on about 6 or 7 dresses that clearly weren’t “the one”, the helpful store assistant Sam announced that she had one more dress for me try on. She told us it was her favourite dress the store had ever received, and that she thought I would love it. Amber hated it on the hanger, but I was having fun so I put it on. As soon as I stepped out of the dressing room it was game over. My mom started crying and we all slowly realized I was wearing “the dress”! And then we realized how much trouble we were going to be in because we were missing my Aunt Lorraine, my cousin Shauna, and my BFF Maid of Honour MC… but it was all worth it because the dress is stunning and I cannot wait to show Sean on our wedding day!

August 7^th 2019

At the end of 2018 I joined WISE – Women in Sports & Events. It’s part of my efforts to help further my career and advance my contacts within the industry. And also, they host some really cool events. On this day, we lucked out. It was a Tennis themed event, taking place at the Rogers Cup, and as luck would have it, we’d get to see the legend, Serena Williams! But the main reason I was attending the event was because of the guest speaker – Stacey Allastar. Ms. Allaster is not only a fellow Wellander, but also part of a unique group. Allastar is one of five women from Welland, in the same age range, who went on to hold executive positions in sports management. See this article from the Toronto Star for the full scope (it’s really freaking cool actually.) For me, a career goal would be to be considered equal among those women. Allastar spoke a lot about the challenges women face working in sports. A lot of women leave the industry to start families, or find themselves pushed out of “boys clubs”. I was so inspired hearing her speak, and hearing about her journey. It re-energized me, and my passion for my career. And then, as the sun was setting, the cherry on top was getting to watch Serena Williams go to work. Another female who has overcome so much adversity, continues to battle her demons, but yet still strives to be the best. An incredibly empowering evening, and one I won’t soon forget.

 August 24th 2019

Sometimes, some of the best nights are the simplest. We went down to Niagara to visit my mom and we spent the afternoon playing shuffle board in the backyard. That night, we ended up at the Nagy’s house for a bonfire. The Nagy’s are long-time friends of my parents, in fact, my Dad & Brian had been friends since childhood. I have countless memories of spending time with their daughters, making dumb homemade videos, bonfires in their backyard, Christmas parties, skating on their homemade ice rink, and camping together at Long Point Provincial Park. I can’t explain, but there was something extra special about this August night. The music Brian had selected was as if my Dad was the one curating the playlist. Old songs from albums I hadn’t heard in years sparked an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. And then, the fish fry started and we ate some of the most delicious fish tacos I have ever had in my life! The stars were shining bright, and the air was fresh. A cozy, comfortable night in Dain City.

September 19^th 2019

I am pretty darn lucky. I work with an incredibly dedicated group of people, who bust their butts all year long. It’s hard to find someone at TSN who is underworked. And so when the TSN Fun Squad started the ball hockey tournament, it became a huge success because it provided us with a time to cool off, have some friendly (or not so friendly at times) competition, and have fun together. It’s important to be reminded why you get up every day and drag yourself out to Scarborough. My team, “Run PMC” (with the PMC standing for Programming-Marketing-Communications), didn’t make it to the playoffs (we lost a heartbreaker in the Round Robin), but it was still an awesome day under the sun. Some of us grabbed drinks afterwards on a nearby patio, and it felt like the perfect way to end summer. My 2020 goal: get the gang all together more often to share more laughs and give each other a chance to appreciate the incredible people we get to call coworkers.

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There’s many more days I could have, and wanted to write about, but when I reflect back on the year, these are some of the days I am most drawn to. Thanks for indulging me, and I hope you all get a chance to reflect back on your own 2019 experiences, good and bad.

As a preview of sorts for my annual concert rankings, here’s one of my favourite songs of 2019. Tame Impala released this song just before my birthday on March 22^nd. I listened to it for the first time on the TTC as I made my way downtown to do a little shopping. I had to hold back tears because the lyrics felt like they were perfectly capturing how I had been feeling since February. I could also just picture my Dad blasting this song on his stereo. Despite the fact that it was making me cry, I often turn to this song for a pick-me up. It’s got a catchy disco-psychedelic beat that only Tame Impala can pull off.

Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

The Chaos of Grief: Part I

2019 certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would. On December 21st 2018, when Sean asked me to marry him, I expected 2019 to become one of the best years of my life. Instead, on February 8th 2019, things took an awful turn. My father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 65. A regular Friday evening turned horrific.

I’ve debated for months about whether to blog about my grief, the anxiety I’ve experienced, and just the general confusion about day to day life. I have countless drafts saved. Part of me didn’t want to be so public with my inner thoughts, but then recently I decided I had too many things I wanted to share. There’s a lot of lessons you don’t fully learn and realize until you say goodbye to one of the key difference makers in your life.

I’m going to break up these blog posts and focus on some specific emotions, and feelings I’ve dealt with. I feel there’s too much to say in just one post, so I hope you’ll bear with me as I get this all out of my system.

Shock & Awe

I know a lot of people talk about how they can barely remember certain aspects of a life changing moment, but I feel like I can recite in pretty clear detail everything I said and felt in the immediate aftermath of my aunt calling to tell me the horrible news. There are many times where I catch myself going over that night in detail. It’s like I need to remind myself that this is reality. I try to stop myself in those moments. After all, I don’t want my lasting memories of my dad to be of that fateful night.

When you’re in such deep shock it’s hard to find the energy to keep up with the rest of your life. I find that over the past several months I haven’t been as engaged with my friends, and have often felt like I don’t have the capacity to support them in their own struggles. As I reflect on this summer, I know I’ve become more withdrawn than I normally would. I’ve skipped going to concerts because I would rather be alone at home. Or, I’ve purposefully avoided making plans with people because sometimes the idea of being social is too exhausting. I felt this way after the robbery in South Africa as well. When you’re moving away from a trauma, it’s hard to see when others around you may be suffering as well. Your own pain and confusion takes precedent and it becomes hard to focus on everything else. But I am starting to regret some of this. As summer begins to wind down, I am starting to feel like I wasted some of my days. (Regret is a theme I’ll touch on in another post).

I’ve so often felt like a zombie, or as my mom has often observed, we go through the days feeling like actors in our own lives. That we’re just playing a role. Going to work felt like that at first (and sometimes still does). I could put on my management hat and forget that I was the girl dealing with grief. But then reality would sink in. I’ve had times where I’ve cried on the TTC, or on my walk home. It can be anything. A thought, a memory, seeing the stars, a song coming on my Spotify. And then the haze comes back. Everything starts to feel surreal again, and the pain gets pushed down until the next time it resurfaces. I open my office door, turn on the computer, and begin to play my role.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with the most as it relates to my health anxiety is how truly fragile everything is. I can’t wrap my brain around just how suddenly you can lose someone. When I get caught in the shock, the questions rise up. Why now? Why this way? How do you just wake up one day and not know it’s your last day on earth? I find it incredibly terrifying to think of how quickly everything can be lost. How can there be no warning? No time to say goodbye? Why does it have to be so random? For me, when I can’t make sense of things I get very uncomfortable. My anxiety loves order and reason. Death is neither of those things. And so at times it’s caused me to spiral into some anxious times where I begin to fear those old fears – that I have cancer, that something is wrong with my heart, that I am going to die young and will miss out on everything.

I guess, that’s supposed to be the good lesson in all of this – the reminder that life is short and tomorrow is not promised. It’s supposed to make you appreciate the little things more, cross things off your bucket list, or finally make that move in your life you’ve been putting off. But there are so many times I feel frozen in fear. Whenever we make a new decision on something related to the wedding I get a little bit scared. “What if I don’t make it to my wedding and all of this is a waste?”. But I can’t let the shock do that to me. I know, deep down, I can’t live in fear constantly. I know that Dad wasn’t afraid of what was next. He often talked about how he didn’t fear death. It was the next adventure, the next part of the journey. It was something to be curious about. He also told me people with control issues tend to be the ones who fear death the most. As usual, he was right.

One thing I am thankful for in regards to my anxiety is that I feel it’s made me quite self-aware. I can recognize when I am withdrawing, or not supporting other people. But it’s hard to often do something about it. Especially when I’m trying to do things like be on my phone less, read more, and trying to get through the day. Throw in that work has been incredibly busy, and it just feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day to often tackle everything.

So what can I do? What can anyone do going through grief? I think it goes back to what one of the nurses told my mom that night. “You take things minute by minute, hour by hour”. Eventually the fog will begin to clear. I’ll find a way to stop trying to make sense of what happened, and just accept it. The sting will wear off.

With each of these posts I will close with a song that reminds of me Dad. They may or may not relate to each post. They just might be songs currently running through my mind. As I wrote this post I was listening to Kate Bush and the “Hounds of Love” album. Dad used to blast this album in our home when I was little, and together he and I would dance and sing around the house to it. So while I navigate all of this confusion, I know one thing is true. Somewhere, he’s up there in The Big Sky. Thanks for reading. 

 

 

 

 

 

Live Band Rankings 2018!

Alt J, earlier this summer

This is it kids, the moment you’ve all been eagerly awaiting… or more likely, haven’t thought about in 12 months and are now bored during your Christmas break so you think “what the hell, I’ll read this!”

My year in live bands! It was another great year. Some first time bands for me, and some old favourites. The perfect mix if you ask me!

Overall, this year was an amazing year for seeing female performers. It’s always so incredible to see women leading the charge in music, and showing that gender doesn’t need to dictate popularity. I always think how awesome it must be for young girls to have so many great role models these days! So yeah, GIRL POWER!

SO…. is there another repeat winner this year, or did a newcomer sneak in?? Let’s find out!

30. Lights (Dundas Square, June 16th 2018)

Someone has to be last, and this year it’s Lights… Not really much to add here except I don’t like Lights. Sorry Lights.

29. The Barr Brothers (Field Trip, June 2nd 2018)

After Lights, The Barr Brothers were probably the least memorable group I saw this year, and didn’t leave much of an impression. They just didn’t do it for me, and they should’ve! They played during a beautiful afternoon in the sunshine, while Sean & I enjoyed some beers. That should be a slam dunk for me to enjoy any concert. But I felt bored, and the lead singer wasn’t having a great day, so they just didn’t connect for me.

28. Damian Marley (Field Trip, June 2nd 2018)

It feels wrong to be putting a Marley so low on the rankings, and it was incredible to hear him sing some of his father’s work. So there’s really nothing negative to say here, except that he just got beat out by some of my more favourite acts.

27. Alvvays (Field Trip, June 2nd 2018)

I feel like every year I put a beloved Canadian indie rock band in my bottom half, and it generally ruffles some feathers amongst some of my more hipster-inclined friends. But I am quite vocal about how much I generally do not enjoy Alvvays. I find them overplayed on Canadian radio, and it’s ruined the band for me. BUT… they did put on a great set at Field Trip, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed them. Molly Rankin’s voice was in great form and left a great impression on me.

26. Trombone Shorty (Field Trip, June 3rd 2018)

SO MUCH FUN! They were the first group we saw on the Sunday of Field Trip and it immediately got me dancing and my energy levels up. Their covers are fantastic, and I’d 100% go see them again.

25. Reuben and the Dark (Field Trip, June 2nd 2018)

One of the first bands we saw at Field Trip this year and they were great! It was the perfect setting for them – sitting out in the sun, beer in hand. Definitely a band that left a mark on us, and we’d want to check out again. Can’t beat some catchy rock tunes on a summer day.

24. Rural Alberta Advantage (CBC Music Festival, May 26th 2018)

This really speaks to how GOOD this year was, because RAA have been a top finisher before. However, I’d say what went against them this year is only that I saw such a short set from them at CBC Music Fest, and it didn’t quite stack up to the other performances I have seen by them. But that being said, they are always energetic, engaging and so much fun to rock out too. It also helped that I did so this year while drinking a beer they created with Mill St! Hopefully I can catch them again soon at a longer, more intimate show.

23. Coeur de Pirate (Danforth Music Hall, September 20th 2018)

I basically dragged myself to this show, as it was the same day as the TSN ball hockey tournament. I was exhausted, but am so glad I went. Beatrice Martin has an incredible voice that could melt butter – in two languages! She effortlessly slides between English and French, and her voice is so amazing that it doesn’t even matter whether or not you understand her lyrics. She had great energy, and charming interactions with the crowd. It’s also always special to see someone who you can tell feels incredibly grateful for the life they have, getting to sing their songs to fans. She was genuine, and even cried at the end as she took her final bows.

22. Japandroids (Field Trip, June 3rd 2018)

I’ve waited SO LONG to see these guys. I was first introduced to them in 2012 while riding a bus across Canada as part of TSN’s Kraft Celebration Tour, so this band holds a lot of memories for me. I had heard stories about how intense these guys are – and they certainly live up to that legend. I loved that only two guys on stage can create such a loud, intense, and engaging performance. It became an even more punk rock experience when it started raining during their set. The perfect way to see this Vancouver duo!

21. Middle Kids (Field Trip, June 2nd 2018)

It seems every year that I go to Field Trip I discover a new favourite band. This year, that honour went to Middle Kids. A fun rock band from Australia, their energetic, infectious indie rock has stuck with me all year. We’ve even got some friends hooked on them too. Their performance was fun, they interacted well with the crowd, and I was left feeling like they deserved to be playing on the big stage at the fest rather than the smaller one. Hope they come back to TO soon!

20. Northern Touch All Stars (CBC Music Fest. May 26th 2018)

HOLY CRAP. EVERYONE was there for this reunion show and they each played some of their hit songs. Choclair busted out “Let’s Ride”, Racals did “All Over the World”, Kardinal of course did “Dangerous” and they ended the afternoon with “Northern Touch” which was SO EPIC. 90s Tesla was having a BLAST.

19. Maggie Rogers (Scotiabank Arena, December 17th 2018)

I didn’t watch a lot of opening acts this year, but Sean & I made a point to see Maggie Rogers, who was opening for Mumford & Sons. A friend of our had mentioned her to me, and then we had watched her set on SNL a few months prior. So we were curious! And she was great! I always feel bad for openers because the sound isn’t necessarily set for them, and in a setting like an arena it’s always touch to play to a half empty venue. But Maggie sounded great, putting in a wonderful vocal performance. We found it was better than what we saw on SNL, and we were bummed to see her shows in TO next year are already sold out! Definitely one of the more impressive openers I’ve seen, and expect her to blow up anytime soon.

18. Dear Rouge (Danforth Music Hall, October 18th 2018)

One of my fave bands, I’ve already seen these guys a half dozen times in the short time period they’ve been around. I always find Danielle McTaggart a charismatic front-woman, with enough energy to power a small town. I thought the crowd seemed a little distant with the band, so it kind of took away from the performance a little bit. But this wasn’t the fault of the band – they played a great setlist and really tried to keep everyone engaged. Hopefully next time we catch them, the crowd will remember to pack their dancing shoes.

17. Leon Bridges (RBC Echo Beach, September 27th 2018)

What a voice. Leon could sing the phone book and it would sound soulful. Sarah & I loved his dance moves, his banter with the crowd, and I thought his voice sounded perfect. The biggest knock on this show, unfortunately like Dear Rouge, was the crowd. WOW. I have never been surrounded by so many smokers at a single concert in my entire life. But, we tried to ignore it and enjoy the show. The best part of the night for me was that some songs of his new album that I don’t really enjoy sounded much better live. I always love when a live performance can completely alter how you feel about a song. Can’t wait to see what this young man has next up his dancing sleeve.

16. Beck (Budweiser Stage, July 7th 2018)

SO… I struggled the most with where to rank this show. And it’s because of the sound quality. This show was too loud. It sounded like a lot of the show was coming through a busted speaker, and it was incredibly disappointing because I think otherwise this would have been a top 5 show of the year for me. The setlist was fantastic – I loved hearing so many of his hits. He also clearly has a great relationship with his backing band, and it genuinely looked like everyone was having fun on stage. But yeah, the sound just took a lot away from the experience. Next time I guess!

15. Portugal. The Man (Budwesier Stage, May 24th 2018)

I am definitely not one of those people that thinks PTM “sold out”. In fact, I love their last album and it has become one of my go-to albums when I need an energy boost, or want to put myself in a good mood. Their show at The Amp didn’t let me down and was a great way to kick off my summer in concerts. They had a cool video display behind them, which at times had some cheeky jokes at the band’s expense, which is always fun. I also loved that they played lot of songs from their album before last – Evil Friends.

14. Interpol (REBEL, September 13th 2018)

Ugh. I hate REBEL as a concert venue. However… Interpol are a good enough band that they make you forget that fact! This was a great show start to finish, with a bad-ass light show to go with it. That’s one of the best parts about seeing Interpol – is it feels like you are not only being given a great musical performance but a visual story as well. My only complaint was that they didn’t sing “Slow Hands”. But that is a minor one! Everything else was excellent – band sounded great, looked good and the crowd had a good time too.

13. George Ezra (The Phoenix, April 20th 2018)

This was such a fun night out with my girlfriends and George put on a stellar show. He bantered adorably with the crowd, bashfully telling us most of the backstories of his songs. His voice sounded excellent as well. Again, another humble performer who genuinely seems grateful for his fans. His latest album is a great listen and it was a pleasure getting to hear it live.

12. Broken Social Scene (Budweiser Stage, May 24th 2018)

It’s a good year for me in live concerts if I get to see BSS. They routinely make this list, but usually in the Top 10. They JUUUUUUST get edged out this year. It was another solid set from them, but not one of my favourites from the collective overall. For example, one miss in the setlist I thought was having Ariel & Amy sing “Hug of Thunder”, which is a Feist song. Amy & Ariel are incredibly talented singers, but that song just doesn’t do their vocal range justice. But, they did leave me with one of my favourite memories from ANY BSS show, and that’s closing out the night with fireworks alongside the song “Meet Me in the Basement”. Just perfect.

11. CHVRCHES (Dundas Square, June 16th 2018)

CHVRCHES are another one of my go-to bands when I need an energy pick-me-up or just want to dance. Their high energy synth-pop-rock-whatever blend never lets me down. I was so heartbroken to miss their show at the Danforth Music Hall earlier this year, so when they announced a free show as part of NXNE, I was PUMPED. I thought the show overall was great, with the band sounding good and my fave front-woman/person I want to be friends with Lauren Mayberry had her voice in fine form. My only complaint is that they stuck mainly to their hits and didn’t play much from the new album. BUT… I suppose that’s what happens when you’re playing outdoors for free, and likely trying to win new fans. I would say that alone is what keeps them from top 10 because otherwise this show likely would’ve been one of my faves.

10. First Aid Kit (Danforth Music Hall, February 5th 2018)

MC and I spent a cold February night getting cozy with this incredibly talented sister duo from Sweden. Their harmonies are unreal, and also had a wonderful banter with the crowd. Their backing band was excellent, and together they kept the energy going all night. I can’t recommend these young ladies enough.

9. Stars (Danforth Music Hall, December 12th 2018)

This show by Stars had to be one of my favourites I’ve seen of theirs. I really love their last album “There Is No Love in Fluorescent Light” so it was fantastic to hear it live. Amy & Torquil put on quite a vocal performance, with the band clearly having a great time. They mixed in the perfect blend of old and new songs, and finished off the night with “Fairytale of New York” to put us all in the Christmas spirit! Fantastic way to spend a December night.

8. Mumford & Sons (Scotiabank Arena, December 17th 2018)

My last concert of 2018 so of course it was a treat to spend it with one of my favourite live bands. They’re testing out a new stage set up, where they’re essentially playing in the round. I am still undecided on how I feel about that. At times it felt like I was disengaged from the show, but at the same time it was fun to get a glimpse of what the other band members were up to, and not just Marcus. Overall I thought the setlist itself was great, except I thought “Little Lion Man” was too early, and the band hadn’t quite kicked into full gear when they played it. It’s also so interesting to see them working in their newer material in with the older. I think this band is going to continue to change a lot, so their shows are going to really become an interesting balance. But anytime I get to sing along to “I Will Wait” is a good night in my books.

7. The Killers (Scotiabank Arena, January 5th 2018)

The show that kicked the year off! Not easy to be the first one out of the gate, but The Killers set the bar high. Their latest album is fantastic, and the high-energy songs really kept the crowd going. We also appreciated that their setlist included some deep cuts like For Reasons Unknown (complete with a fan joining them onstage), and This River is Wild. Brandon Flowers’ vocals were in top form, complete with his charming Elvis persona onstage. They also had one of my favourite stage set-ups of the year, with a lot of nods to their Vegas roots. They are really coming into their own as an arena rock band.

6. St. Lucia (Danforth Music Hall, November 9th 2018)

SO. MUCH. FUN. I could really just type that for St. Lucia and leave it there. The best way to spend a Friday night is dancing away to this band. High energy, infectious synth, and great musicianship. This band never disappoints, and one day deserves to be headlining arena tours, getting thousands of people on their feet. But until that day happens, I’ll be more than happy to rock out to them in smaller venues.

5. Alt J (RBC Echo Beach, June 20th 2018)

With the Massey Hall show from last year still so fresh in my memory, I thought I wouldn’t enjoy this summer show as much, but I was wrong. Once again, another incredible live show – everything from vocals to the light show. And then throw in a beautiful summer sunset, and you really can’t beat that.

4. Metric (Field Trip, June 2nd 2018)

Metric played their album “Fantasties” front to back for this show, and aside from the tall drunk guy who tried to get in my way (I won), it was incredible hearing so many deep cuts live. Emily Haines is pound for pound one of the best lead singers around and can capture a crowd. My only complaint is I wish the encore had been longer! Every Metric show always leaves me wanting more, and this was no exception.

3. Yeah Yeah Yeah’s (Field Trip, June 3rd 2018)

Continuing the trend of bad-ass female lead singers, getting to finally see Karen O in the flesh was IMPRESSIVE. She is such an entertaining performer, and puts everything into her shows. The band sounded great, and their setlist was a perfect balance of old and new. I loved hearing some of my faves like “Zero” and “Maps” performed live. Start to finish, everything about the show was spotless. To me, it’s always great when a band doesn’t shy away from the songs that have made them famous. I’m so glad I finally crossed them off my live bucket list.

2. Florence & The Machine (Scotiabank Arena, October 16, 2018)

We’ve got ourselves a new champion folks, as previous #1 winner Florence is just edged out by my next pick. But that’s not to say Florence didn’t knock this out of the park. Her voice is just so powerful and incredible. I don’t think you can truly appreciate just how talented Florence Welch is until you hear her live. Standout moments from the night include when she ran into the crowd during “Delilah” barefoot (!), asking the crowd to put their phones away during “Dog Days” in order to appreciate the moment, and closing the night with “Shake It Out”. I also loved her simple stage setup, with flowing curtains and warm lighting to give everything an ethereal glow. I’ve written a couple of times about how much Florence inspires me, and how I wish to find the confidence she has on stage in my day to day life. I love her freestyle spirit, as she runs up and down the stages and dances as if no one is watching. It is a real gift to see her perform, and I am so grateful I was able to see her again this year.

1. St. Vincent (Sony Centre, July 31st 2018)

I just loved this show. Annie Clark aka St. Vincent is just such a multi-talented MACHINE. She can shred on the guitar, power out some rock vocals, but then bring the room to a standstill with a beautiful ballad. I learned my lesson, and will never buy balcony seats for her show again (I was often the only one upstairs out of a seat dancing). Her latest album “Masseduction” has been on repeat for me since it came out. Her remix of “Fast Slow Disco” is probably my favourite song of 2018. Her show did not disappoint. I say that even though she didn’t play many songs from her album before last, “St. Vincent”. But everything was just perfect – the sound quality, her voice, the band, the stage set-up, it was just a memorable night. I knew as soon as we walked out that this show was going to be by #1. Favourites from the night were “Young Lover”, “Pills”, “Digital Witness”, “New York” sung acapella, and the killer opener “Sugar Boy”. Please give St. Vincent a listen if you haven’t already. She is one talented performer.

—–

Marcus Mumford

That does it for another year in music! I am pretty happy with my all-female top 4, and am excited to see what 2019 brings for (I already have Metric, July Talk & Snow Patrol lined up).

As always, find your passion in life, and if it’s music, go out there and experience it live.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

12 Days of 2018

Tofino, BC

2018 has been an incredibly unique year, filled with experiences I never thought I’d ever encounter – both positive and negative. I haven’t blogged much over the past year, mainly because I’ve often struggled with the right words to detail what I am feeling. I also have often felt as is my words don’t matter, because I know so many other people close to me going through much worse obstacles. It’s hard for me to really articulate my own feelings when in comparison they feel meaningless to others.

Honestly, I also became really self-conscious about my blogging. I started it as a way to just get my anxiety out, and use it as a tool in my journey to easing my fears. It was also inspiring to receive messages from so many friends and colleagues saying “I understand you, I am going through the same thing, let’s help each other”. I never started doing it for the attention, or to cry “woe is me”. But I started to convince myself that everyone was judging me for writing. That people resented my blog, and saw it as the musings of someone complaining about their “first world problems”. I let the stigma of being open with my illness get to me.

And when I stopped writing, I noticed I got into my own head more this year. I let things fester more. So, in 2019 I am not entirely sure if I’ll continue writing publicly or what I’ll be doing, but I know I need to do more in 2019 in order to find the right key to getting my anxiety under control.

Anyways! Back to the matter at hand – my 12 Days of 2018. In what has become an annual tradition, I like to take some time and reflect on the days – big and small – that have had an impact on my life. It’s often a helpful reminder that things aren’t always bad, and that even though another year has flown by, a lot has happened.

Merry Christmas everyone – and stay tuned for the upcoming rankings of my year in concerts!

Blyde Canyon, South Africa

March 15^th 2018

Let’s get this one out of the way shall we? This was a horrible day. It’ll unfortunately stick with me for the rest of my life. It was the day we were robbed at gunpoint in Johannesburg. I don’t want to re-hash the exact details of what happened. It’s not what’s important here. The aftermath is. We continued on with our trip with the goal of finishing out the remaining three weeks we had planned in South Africa. However, about 48 hours after the robbery, the levels of anxiety and fear I was feeling were unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was terrified. I honestly believed that if we remained in that country we weren’t going to make it out alive. In the end, we cut the trip short and came home early. I had hoped that once we got home I’d return to “normal”. But that wasn’t the case. I spent the next couple of weeks at home cycling between anger, jealously, resentment, and found myself unable to make the simplest of decisions. Nothing felt right. I was incredibly angry that this happened to us. We also felt embarrassed and ashamed that we chose to come home. It felt like we were a bunch of cowardly losers. I have to say it took me a long time to start losing a lot of these emotions, and even then they still come up. I still have a hard time seeing everyone’s vacation photos on social media. I hate that this day is a moment in my life. I mourn the loss of the memories we didn’t get to make. Honestly, I could continue to ramble on about the after effects this day has had. Despite all the negative “side-effects”, I will say, nothing has made me more grateful for the country I live in and the city I live in than being exposed to such desperate conditions. Canadians have it very good. We should never forget that and always keep fighting to make it better.

Nambiti Game Reserve, South Africa

March 18^th 2018

The trip to South Africa wasn’t a complete waste, and it did provide me with one of the most epic moments of my life. On this morning, the day after we decided to come home early, we were on our final game drive as part of our stay at a safari lodge. (Side note – the staff at our lodge were some of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. They were so helpful and supportive of our situation, and truly opened their hearts to us. I could write an entire blog post about them alone). We were staying on a HUGE nature reserve, home to the African Big 5 and a whole host of other animals. It was incredible. But on this morning, as the sun was rising, we stumbled upon a pride of lions. The park is so big that often the game rangers “lose” sight of animals for weeks at a time. We later learned the rangers had been looking for the lions for the past several weeks to no avail. But then, finally on that morning we were the lucky jeep! It was so overwhelming to see these incredible creatures in the flesh that I started to cry. I took it as a hopeful sign that things were going to be OK, and to remember that there is beauty all around us. It was also just really freaking cool.

April 14^th 2018

A simple day on my calendar, but no less memorable. There was a huge snowstorm in Toronto on this day. My good friend Sarah & I were still determined to hang out, so we went to a local bar to watch the Raptors first playoff game. We had a great time, and it was one of the first times I remember just laughing, having fun, and not thinking about our recent trauma. Then sadly, I received some sad news about my co-worker Steve Hudson. Steve lost his battle with pancreatic cancer on this day. Another one of life’s reminders to be thankful for each day and each moment you can spend with friends and loved ones. You truly don’t know what’s around the corner, and Steve’s short battle with cancer was a stark reminder of that.

May 17^th 2018

I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by a strong group of women, and on this night we had just about all of us in one place as we went for dinner at a tiki bar! It’s tough to get us all in one place sometimes. Some of my friends are young moms, another friend is battling cancer, and the rest of us are just overworked with jobs and social obligations. But it’s wonderful for me to get us all together so we can appreciate having each other. Thanks ladies for all you do in my life!

July 20^th 2018

This was really an entire weekend – Sean & I spent the weekend up in Huntsville with a group of friends. What makes this weekend so memorable for me is that it was a carefree weekend (well, relatively, up until a rogue football caused some trouble, and a floating peacock escaped), with a group of people that have embraced me. I’m always really honoured that Sean’s friends have welcomed me so much (more on that later), and I’m really thankful to call all of them friends. I’m so glad we put the wheels in motion to make this weekend happen. It was a good reminder of why it’s important to get plugging away to actually make plans happen – versus always lamenting about all the things we didn’t do. It’s one of the positives that South Africa reminded me – if you have the chance to do something, DO IT. Don’t sit around and wait for it to happen, make it happen.

August 27^th 2018

On this day I had the chance to do something rare in life – which is complete a full circle. There’s part of my backstory that I don’t talk about much. Before I was born my parents lived briefly in Nanaimo, British Columbia. And before me, they had another daughter. April Dawn was my mom’s first child, and by all accounts was an angel on earth. She loved horses. And it was April who made the final call to move to Nanaimo form Welland after she says she was visited by an angel who told her it would be the best time of her life. The angel was right, my sister loved BC. But then tragically, in February 1983, my sister was crossing the road to visit her beloved horses when she was struck and ultimately killed by an impaired driver. She was only 7. My parents immediately left Nanaimo, and haven’t been back since. I was born two years later. On August 27^th I closed that circle and went back to pay tribute to April. Sean & I left flowers alongside heartfelt letters. I finally saw with my own eyes the neighbourhood they lived in, the school she went to, and got to experience what it would have been like to cross the ferry from Vancouver. It’s a moment I am so thankful for, and a memory I will cherish with me always.

And PS… don’t ever drive impaired.

From the ferry ride to Vancouver Island

August 28^th 2018

After stopping in Nanaimo, Sean & I drove onto Tofino. And, WOW. I truly left a piece of my heart in Tofino. What an incredible place. The best part of Tofino, though, was learning to surf! It was such a huge challenge, and I loved every second of it. I had so many doubts about being able to surf (what if I re-damaged my nerves, what if I drowned, etc), that I am so happy I put all of them to rest and just fully enjoyed the moment. I can see why so many people adopt a nomadic lifestyle in order to make surfing such a big part of their lives. It was incredibly addicting, and I hope our next trip together includes some more ocean time! It was another good reminder that it’s important to challenge yourself, set new goals, and try something that makes you a little uncomfortable – because the results may surprise you.

September 8^th 2018

One thing I discovered this year is RuPaul’s Drag Race. I cannot recommend this show enough. Not only is it the perfect show to binge watch when you want a good laugh, I actually find it’s taught me a lot about myself. Drag is all about challenging perceptions and rules. Growing up, I was never confident in myself. I often cycle through phases where I hate my clothes, my hair, my appearance, etc. I’ll admit that I keep my makeup pretty simple mainly because I feel like a fraud when I wear it. I honestly believe that people will look at me wearing lipstick and think “what a loser, she looks so terrible. She’s trying way too hard to fit in and be cool”. It’s a holdover from my teenaged years when I really felt down on myself. But, I love makeup. I love seeing how it can transform you, and be something fun to play around with. I don’t really think of makeup as something I “have” to do. I think of it as something where I can play around with my features and make myself stand out from the crowd. So, on September 8^th I met up with two friends, MC & Vicky, to attend the RuPaul Drag Race Werk the World show, and damnit, I curled my hair and put lipstick on. I did it to challenge myself, to make myself feel worthy of dressing up. If I don’t challenge my insecurities, then they win. And like Mama Ru says, “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love anybody else, can I get an amen?”

Crystal Beach

October 6^th 2018

Thanksgiving in Niagara is one of my favourite times of the year. we had a lot of wonderful memories visiting my family this year, but it felt most fitting to include Thanksgiving to this list, since after all, it’s the holiday meant to make you most appreciative for all you’ve been blessed with. I’m very lucky to have a supportive family. And as a side bonus, we got to celebrate my cousin’s engagement!

October 21^st 2018

I think this day makes the list every year, but once again completing the Scotiabank Waterfront 5km race was especially satisfying this year. It’s been a long road in the recovery process with my ulnar nerve injury. I haven’t run much at all over the course of this year, as having my elbows bent for any prolonged period often causes pain and numbness. But, I woke up early on a Sunday morning and found myself running one of my best times in several years. I broke the sub-30 minute mark again for my finish time, and I was completely thrilled. It proved to myself that I am making progress and am slowly getting back into fighting shape.

November 2^nd 2018

I alluded to this earlier, but I am always so incredibly thankful that Sean’s friends have embraced me like they have. And on this night I had the honour of being part of our friend Val’s bachelorette party. It really meant a lot to me to be invited and included, and to share this experience with everyone. And of course, it was an incredibly fun night filled with some pretty lasting memories (even with a minor detour at the end of the night).

November 3^rd 2018

The night after Val’s epic bachelorette party, Sean & I had a rare night out. Normally our weekends are filled with running errands, other social obligations, or just taking a chance to relax at home.  But earlier in the year Sean had surprised me with tickets to Come From Away, the musical about the town of Gander, Newfoundland in the wake of the September 11^th attacks. So we made it into a date night, complete with a delicious meal at one of our favorite restaurants beforehand. Not only was it special to spend a night out just the two of us (I am an incredibly lucky girl to have Sean in my life), but the show itself was an absolute joy to watch. I wholeheartedly loved it from start to finish, even crying several times throughout the show. I don’t get out to live theatre performances as often as I should, and normally I don’t like musicals, but this was a special experience. I’m so thankful Sean finally listened to my constant chatter about this show, and treated us to a lovely night out.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Merry Christmas everyone! Take care of yourselves in 2019

Anxiety, and the Struggle to Recover from Injury

2017 was supposed to be “the year”.

The year…

I got in shape
I gained muscle
I improved my stamina on the bike
I conquered my anxiety
I finally felt comfortable again in my own skin

But, of course, life does not listen to your planning. It often does the exact opposite.

The Injury
As I’ve written about before, I suffered an injury this year. And 7 months later, I am still recovering. I injured my ulnar nerve (aka the funny bone nerve) back in June, in both arms. Most significantly in my left arm which is my dominant arm.

How did I do it? I think in my case this is the result of years of poor posture, lack of core strength, and a “slippery” ulnar nerve.  I’ve had smaller issues with this nerve – numbness at night, tightness when doing certain weight exercises, elbow tenderness at work, etc. This all combined to make my arms ripe for this type of strain at some point.  I think the Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer, and staying on my road bike for two days, in a fixed position, expedited the problem. I also suspect that I wasn’t properly fitted on my bike. (I want to be clear: I don’t fault the event itself at all. I think this was purely the result of my physiology and my position on the bike).

I knew when I first injured the arm that this wasn’t going to be a quick fix. For the first couple of days I couldn’t hold a pen. I had trouble flexing my hand. I was in a lot of pain. There was numbness. I went to a few massage therapy appointments, which helped a little, but the pain wasn’t going away. I went to the doctor, and was sent to an orthopedic surgeon for evaluation. He diagnosed me with an entrapped ulnar nerve and gave me a prescription for anti-inflammatories, physiotherapy, and a referral for a nerve function test (to be certain I hadn’t damaged the nerve permanently). I was told it could take about a month for my symptoms to subside, and to lay off cycling until I was pain free.

The First Two Months
I kept waiting for the day when I’d wake up, and the pain would be gone. I took time off from the gym, and dove into physiotherapy. While at first I thought I could get away with just riding a stationary bike, or going for runs – it soon became apparent that even those activities were causing flare ups. I stopped knitting. I had to limit my handwriting, use of my cell phone, reading, and even the way I sit on the couch had to change. Just about everything I did caused pain. It was exhausting and frustrating. It felt like every tool I regularly used to combat my anxiety was taken away from me. It left me feeling very helpless against my mental battles.

This ate away at my confidence, and my mood. I became depressed about not being able to ride my bike, or do more at the gym. I watched my social media feed become filled with people achieving goals throughout the summer, getting fitter, while I worried I was just going to become a lump. I started to monitor my calorie intake so I could do my best to ensure that while I was losing muscle, I wouldn’t gain too much fat. While I tried to stay positive, my anxiety ate away at me.

“How much muscle am I losing right now?”
“I am going to be so slow when I start running again”
“All that hard work, ruined”
“I am never going to get in shape”
“What if this is permanent?”
“What if this is a sign of something more serious like MS?”
“Are people at the gym judging me?”
“Are my friends judging me?”
“What’s going to happen when I try to workout again?”
“What if my heart is losing its conditioning, and it gives out the next time I try to run?”
“What if I can never ride my bike again?”
“What if I can never knit again?”
“Why can’t I even just hold a book?!”
“Why aren’t these drugs helping?”
“Why isn’t it gone yet?”
“I wish I had just fallen off my bike instead”
“If I had broken a bone, it would have healed by now”
“I bet I am doing something wrong, and this is why I don’t feel better”
“All these online articles say I should have recovered within 8 weeks”

Over and over, those thoughts and questions have plagued me. I can’t even sit here and say that today I no longer have these thoughts. At least once a day, most of those questions run through my mind.

Reality vs. Expectation
Over the summer, I slowly had to come to accept my reality. I wasn’t going to be running, and certainly wasn’t going to be biking. I had to back out of a cycling event in September. I stopped training for my 5km race in October. Instead, I started to just take everything one day at a time.

I had ups and downs. There was a point in late July, into August that I thought I was getting better, and had finally turned a corner. I started running again. But then, BANG, all of my symptoms came roaring back, and I was back to incredible pain and discomfort. So I stopped exercising, outside of going for long walks. For most of August, I just walked around my neighbourhood.  This continued into September.

One of the hardest things has been watching others. I’d feel sad when I would have runners pass me by. I felt embarrassed to just be walking. Part of me felt like screaming “I usually run! I’m injured!!” because for some reason I craved the validation of strangers. Same thing at the gym when I’d make an appearance. I felt like others were thinking I was just wasting space by only stretching on the mats, instead of doing weights or squats, or even planks. I felt like people were thinking “why isn’t she doing more??” Even though I know, 99% of people are just focused on their own agenda at the gym, and not what I am doing. I felt like a loser, and a failure.

I had really hoped, when I was first injured, that it would just be a couple weeks and then I’d be back to normal. I never would have thought it would be January, and I’d still be experiencing symptoms. The good news was that my nerve function test came back without any signs of permanent damage. I am literally just waiting for this to go away. I am also working to correct posture, and release the muscle tension around my nerve. I still, though, get very scared that surgery might be inevitable, or that this is just going to be my life from now on.

And through it all, it’s been really difficult finding resources online with how to deal with injuries psychologically. There’s so much out there for what to do physically, but no one really writes about what your brain is going to put you through. Most well-intentioned people just keep telling you over and over to have patience, and that it will get better in time. Patience is hard. Patience is not an action. Physio at least makes me feel like I am actively doing something to help my body get better. But nothing is more frustrating for someone with anxiety than being told to wait.

The anxiety also leads to a lot of self-doubt. I’ve wondered a lot about what I’ve been doing wrong, or how I could have prevented this.  You blame yourself for not being a psychic. If you’re part of a team or group, you feel like you’ve disappointed everyone. I worry about missing out on things. I can’t even think about not riding for TEALPOWER in 2018, but there’s a real good chance I’ll be unable to. I worry about how much muscle mass I’ve lost, and whether I’ll ever be able to put it back on. Over and over, your anxiety just reminds you of the possible ways you’ve failed. And then through it all, you’re physically in pain.

So I know what most of you are thinking – “just keep working and you’ll get there Tesla” and “you’re too hard on yourself!” or how about “Tesla, don’t measure your self worth against others!” I know. I know all of these things. Trust me, I’ve tried not to care about what others may or may not be thinking about me. I’ve tried to love my body as is. I’ve tried to just roll with the punches and wait for the day the pain has subsided enough that I can get back on a bike. And I’ll keep trying to make the “loud voice” in my brain that one that accepts me for who I am at any given point in time, instead of the “loud voice” being in love with the version of myself that ran a half-marathon.

I guess what I wanted people to understand is that, injuries force you to recover in two ways – mentally and physically. And sometimes, I just need to cry about being in pain, and be angry, and resentful. Sometimes I just need to let those emotions out. And sometimes I know I need to be better at reminding myself that even if this is forever, I will find ways to cope, manage, and be happy. Everything needs to be one day a time and less focused on what my world might look like six months from now. If anything being injured has been a good reminder that the best way to live your life is completely and fully in the moment.

If you’re out there, reading this and struggling to overcome an injury or chronic pain, my best advice would just be to keep focusing on what’s right in front of you, and what you can do today. If today you can go for a walk, consider that a success. If tomorrow you can’t, don’t consider that a failure. Remind yourself of the other positive things in your life, beyond whether or not you can bench press today. Have coffee with a friend, watch a funny movie, sit in the sunshine, do anything to make your heart happy. Meditate when you can. Write out your feelings. Go to the doctor and ask for help. Get a second opinion if you have to. Ask for support. And remember it’s OK to cry and be angry. Let it out, don’t hold it in. Let the feelings pass so you can then move on with your day. Keep looking forward, and stop comparing yourself to your “pre-injury” self. Trust me, it will only cause you more pain. Just keep going and remember to forgive yourself. We can do this together.

Thanks for reading as always. I’ll be Tweeting all day about #BellLetsTalk to help raise money for mental health services in Canada. Join n the conversation if you wish. 

If you would like to also read my other Bell Let’s Talk Day posts, they can be found below: 

2017
2016
2015

Live Band Rankings 2017!

My other annual countdown is upon us! The top live bands of 2017!

This year was a “quieter” year, owing to the fact that we didn’t go to Osheaga. But it was still another 365 days of fantastic music. This may have also been one of the harder Top 10’s I’ve had to do! I could honestly rearrange this a dozen times and still not feel that it’s right! But I think this is as close to “correct” as I can get.

Special thanks as always to those I drag along with me, or willingly join me as I dance/sing along to some of my favourite tunes.

——-

32. VOWWS (Lee’s Palace, February 4th 2017) 
This band was the opener for White Lies. I always feel bad when I have a band ranked last (except for last year. Future was awful). I mean, I am sure someone enjoyed VOWWS, but Sean & I both agreed it was not an enjoyable experience. For a concert on a Saturday night, VOWWS were dark, slow, meandering, mumbling, and just didn’t set us up for a great headliner to follow. Summing it up, Sean at one point leaned in to me and said “I really hope this is over soon”.

31. Royal Canoe (Field Trip, June 3rd 2017)
I must have got this band confused with another, because I could have sworn I knew some of their songs. I didn’t! It wasn’t a bad show, just wasn’t a memorable one.

30. Dams of the West (Royal Alexandra Theatre, May 6 2017)
Was pretty curious to see the solo project of Chris Tomson (drummer for Vampire Weekend), and it was a nice opener, perfect for setting the tone for Father John Misty later in the night. What was really neat about DOTW, was his entire backing band was all female! Girl power!

29. Third Eye Blind (Echo Beach, June 28 2017)
This was one of three “anniversary” tours I saw this year, and this one had Third Eye Blind performing their self-titled 1997 album in its entirety. For me, this album wasn’t as defining in my childhood as it was for other people my age. I do love their big hits, but the rest of their catalogue is foreign to me (and I thought sounded quite generic). The lead singer’s voice wasn’t in great shape, and found they didn’t have too much interaction with the crowd. But, hard to beat singing along to some classic 90s rock.

28. Cold War Kids (Danforth Music Hall, March 22 2017)
The kickoff to my birthday weekend! I was pretty excited to see Cold War Kids, and it’s tough putting them this low but the show left me with some mixed feelings. The vocal mixing was off for the first few songs, and considering they played their hit “Miracle Mile” second, it kind of took the wind out of my sails a little. It was also a night where I remember the crowd really not being that into it. A little disappointing, as I thought this would be a more memorable show.

27. Feist (Field Trip, June 4 2017)
Probably one of the more “controversial” rankings on this list in the world of Canadian hipsters. But I am going to come out and say it – Feist hasn’t put out a memorable record since “The Reminder”. I also find her incredibly misplaced at music festivals. While she is a big name, her shows aren’t incredibly engaging in a big outdoor setting. She excels when she has an intimate venue to connect with the crowd. I also am really underwhelmed by her most recent album, so I wasn’t that jazzed about hearing it live. Sorry Feist…

26. The Lumineers (Rogers Centre, June 23rd 2017)
I ranked these guys last year, and it’s the same story this year. I WANT to love The Lumineers. I think there is so much potential there! They SHOULD be like The Avett Brothers, or Mumford & Sons but I find their live sets tend to get a bit slow. Sadly, they also had the unfortunate task of being an opening act in the Dome, where with the roof closed, the acoustics were awful. (Which certainly isn’t the fault of the band). It is always fun to sing along to the big hits, but the rest of the show falls flat for me.

25. Warbly Jets (REBEL, November 23 2017)
Sean LOVED these guys, and is probably going to be annoyed with me for putting them so low. I enjoyed them, but not nearly at the same level Sean did. This jband is definitely in his wheelhouse.

24. Hannah Georgas (Field Trip, June 4 2017)
I actually think I need to go see Hannah Georgas again, because some of her newer stuff is really growing on me (like the song I’ve linked to). Prior to see her at Field Trip, I only knew her big singles. Her new stuff was a bit of a departure from those, but it sounded great under the summer sun! Plus, she has a fantastic voice. Wish I knew her stuff a little better, so maybe next time I’ll appreciate it more. Side rant – she didn’t play her biggest radio hit “Robotic” and that always annoys me…

23. Big Sugar (Danforth Music Hall, November 24th 2017)
Another one of those bands from the 90s you probably forgot about, but Sean still loves! (I say this with love, it’s actually a lot of fun rediscovering some of these bands). Another band I don’t know well outside a few of their hits, but it was still an entertaining show. He joked through technical malfunctions (a contrast to another artist we saw the night before…) But put Big Sugar also in the category of “didn’t play one of their biggest hits”, Nicotina – the song I’ve linked to, was absent from their setlist. WHY.

22. Matt Mays (Field Trip, June 3 2017)
The perfect summer festival singer! It’s loud rock, you can dance to it, jump around, and just let go. I loved Matt Mays’ set! I only knew “Cocaine Cowgirl” going in, but the rest of his work was engaging and really enjoyable. One of the highlights of Field Trip!

21. Frightened Rabbit (Danforth Music Hall, May 29th 2017)
I was supposed to see this band at Osheaga last summer, but their flight was cancelled and only the singer, Scott Hutchison made it and performed a lone acoustic set in the woods. I was SO EXCITED to finally see the entire band. Their 2013 album Pedestrian Verse was one of my favourite albums of that year, and their newest, Painting of a Panic Attack is another solid record. I loved their show overall – great interactions with the crowd (even with thick Scottish accents!), and Hutchison’s voice was pitch perfect. My one complaint… you guessed it, they didn’t play “Late March, Death March“! Indie88 played that song into the ground 4 years ago, and it’s the reason I love this band!!! COME ON. Had they played that song, it might have launched them into the Top 20…

20. Liam Gallagher (REBEL, November 23rd 2017)
I probably waited about 22 years to see Liam Gallagher in the flesh, and it was certainly an unforgettable night. He came onstage to “F***ing in the Bushes”, and then BELTED out “Rock & Roll Star”. HOLY CRAP. I was so excited I didn’t think I’d last the entire night. The second song out of the gate was “What’s The Story Morning Glory” and I am not surprised my voice didn’t give out then and there. The show was off to a fantastic start, but then it slowly became clear Liam wasn’t having as much fun as the rest of us. He started sitting while he waited for the band to close out songs, looking bored. He took some time to yell at the sound bound operators standing just off stage. He didn’t talk to the crowd much. But I was determined to still have a blast, and just cross my fingers that he wouldn’t storm off stage. And I want to say, I really enjoy his solo album. It’s not ground-breaking, but it’s definitely his best work since Oasis fell apart. (Sorry Beady Eye). So the night is rolling along with a grumpy Liam, and he’s been on stage for barely an hour, and then after “Cigarettes and Alcohol” he just suddenly went off stage. He had mumbled something just prior to that song about “No breaks, we’re playing through”. But, it was still so early. It was barely past 10pm… surely he was coming out for an encore? At the very least, he hadn’t yet played “Live Forever”… I wandered out of the crowd to find Sean and kept hoping he’d be back… but then the house lights came up, and then someone else told me the sound guys had started packing up. It was over after 13 songs. I had been joking leading up to the show it would either be amazing or a disaster and I guess I got a bit of both. At least I can say I’ve seen a grumpy Gallagher performance!

19. Portugal. the Man (Field Trip, June 3rd 2017)
My second time seeing this band, and while this year they’ve been accused of “selling out” with their latest album, I really could care less about that and just enjoyed it! “Feel It Still” sounded awesome live, along with the rest of their newer songs. Is it a depature from their older albums, sure – but who wants a band to sound the same at all times? I like a little growth and change! These guys grooved, and made a perfect summer soundtrack!

18. Joseph (Field Trip, June 3rd 2017)
My surprise of the year! This sister trio knocked it out the literal park – Fort York! I had heard their song “White Flag” on Indie88, but hadn’t put two and two together that this was the same band I’d be seeing at Field Trip. By the end of their set, I wanted to join them on stage and be part of their flawless harmonies. If you’re into female bands like First Aid Kit, or just love a classic mix of folk rock/indie rock, these girls might be for you. Their album was also one of my favourite albums of the year.

17. Classic Albums Live: Imagine & Band on the Run (Roy Thompson Hall, January 27th 2017)
This was such a unique experience! This group performs classic albums from to back, and on this night we were treated to the double bill of John Lennon’s “Imagine” and Paul McCartney & Wings’ “Band on the Run”. John & Val came up with the idea as part of a birthday gift for Sean, and with all of us being Beatles fans, it was a real pleasure hearing these albums come to life. The Imagine album is one of my all-time favourites, and the singer who took on John’s vocals did a fantastic job. I loved getting to hear a live rendition of “Oh Yoko” (one of John’s best tributes to Yoko). Before this night, I didn’t know the Band on the Run album, so it was pretty cool hearing some of the deep cuts from that album for the first time as a live concert. The musicians and vocalists in this group are all really talented, and it never feels like a “tribute band” in the cheesy sense. I highly recommend checking them out!

16. White Lies (Lee’s Palace, February 4th 2017)
When Sean & I had our first date he mentioned this band, and when I listened to them the next day I knew I had found a keeper – both in Sean & the band! These guys are my JAM! They are modern Brit Rock, but the lead singer sounds so much like Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode! I LOVE IT! So we were naturally very excited to see them. The one thing that we had a hard time appreciating was they played a lot of their early albums, whereas Sean & I love their last two albums (go listen to them!) But they were still really impressive, and their new album has so many great songs it was awesome to hear them live. My requests for the next time I see them would be a little more crowd interaction and more songs from Big TV!

15. July Talk (Budweiser Stage, June 24th 2017)
A top 15 finisher last year, so no surprise July Talk made it again. I will say, hands down, this band is one of the best live acts around. Their onstage energy and chemistry is second to none. So their place is a little deceiving. What made this one a little tougher for me was we were far back in the crowd, and July Talk are best enjoyed up close and personal. Also, they unfortunately had some audio issues which took away from some of my favourite tracks. But, if you get the chance, see this band. If you leave bored, or underwhelmed, give your head a shake!

14. U2 (Rogers Centre, June 23rd 2017)
The second of three anniversary tours – this was the Joshua Tree anniversary tour. I was being treated to the FULL U2 experience as well! My friend Sarah is a huge fan, and knows the ropes when it comes to getting a prime spot on the floor. We technically started lining up the night before at 7pm, and I took the entire day of the concert off from work to secure my place in line. The set up for this show was incredible – with a 192ft wide screen, that felt like it spanned the entire width of the Dome. They also thankfully opened the roof for the show, so it was awesome watching U2 perform under the stars. We stood in the perfect spot – we were close for the opening songs on the B stage, and then had an incredible view of the gigantic screen displays.

They played the Joshua Tree album front to back, which was also a lot of fun to hear. Especially being surrounded by hardcore fans who were hearing a few of these songs live for the first time. Some interpretations were a little odd (“Red Hill Mining Town” comes to mind, where it’s clear Bono can no longer hit those notes, but they also added in a much more prominent horn section which kind of distracted from the song). But other moments were clear standsouts, like the endless running road onscreen for “Where The Streets Have No Name” and the powerful “Mothers of the Disappeared”.

While many of the big U2 fans around me declared it wasn’t their best show, as my first time U2 experience I have to say I thought it was really entertaining, and their ability to transform a giant live venue into a full 360 viewing experience is still the best in the business.

13. Matthew Good (Danforth Music Hall, March 11th 2017)
The third anniversary tour we saw this year – Matt Good played the album “Beautiful Midnight” front to back. As a longtime MGB fan, it was an incredible joy to hear that album in its entirety. So many great tracks! First of all, I always love when I get to hear “Giant” live. Throw in getting to hear deep cuts like “I Miss New Wave”, and “Failing the Rorschach Test” and I was in Matt Good heaven!! It was also a great crowd, and Matt was feeding off the energy, even doing a song from the crowd. It was a lot of fun reliving that album. It’s always a good year when I get to see Matt Good. I am really bummed I’ll be missing his tour with Our Lady Peace next spring!

12. Bastille (Air Canada Centre, March 24th 2017)
So I benefited fro a fussy baby, and my friend Jeff kindly gifted me his Bastille tickets that he and his wife were unable to use. So I turned it into a birthday bonanza and went to the show with MC & Sean. Having been a fan of their album “Bad Blood” I was intrigued to check them out live! And you know what, they were fantastic! They really held their own in the ACC with high energy, a great stage setup, and songs that you can’t help but dance and sing along too. (The Brits always put on a good show). I was really impressed that they were able to engage the ACC and bring the house down.

11. Lady Gaga (Air Canada Centre, September 7th 2017)
Let me tell you, I am SHOCKED Lady Gaga didn’t end up finishing at #1 this year. Going into 2017, I would have told you she’d easily be number 1. I wasn’t a huge Lady Gaga fan, until I saw her Monster’s Ball Tour several years back, and she blew me away. What still impresses me is the sheer power of her voice. This girl can really sing, and belt it out. As always she had a creative stage set up, with floating catwalks and three satellite stages. Her dancers are also incredibly talented, and the entire performance is stellar. What brought this down a litle for me was the show was heavy on her new album “Joanne” and some of her old hits were combined into a medley. While I love some new songs like “John Wayne” and “A-Yo”, the album isn’t nearly up to the same level as “The Fame” and “The Fame Monster”. But damn, Gaga can sing. play instruments, dance, and also make an arena full of thousands of people feel intimate when it’s just her and a piano. People love to criticize Gaga, but from all the “pop divas” I’ve seen live, Gaga is the one who can truly stand up there and say it’s authentically her on stage. And that is why she’s my Mother Monster!

10. The War on Drugs (Massey Hall, October 21st 2017)
The last time we saw The War on Drugs, Sean & Will fell asleep on the hill at Osheaga. So I was really looking forward to a nap-free experience this time with Sean, and a couple of our other friends Jay & Chobi (who were having a child-free night on the town!) And The War on Drugs didn’t disappoint. Shoutout to his drummer who seemed to be having the absolute time of his life. ‘Red Eyes” was fantastic live with an extended guitar solo that brought Massey Hall to its feet. “Under The Pressure” and “Holding On” also sounded great. What you can really appreciate about this band is how talented, and how in sync they all are. My one complaint – War on Drugs is one of those bands where you often have no idea what the singer is saying, so it’s hard to sing along!

9. Kasabian (REBEL, September 18th 2017)
This show was all Sean’s idea, and I went into this concert only knowing a couple of their older songs, like “Club Foot“. So I went in thinking I’d have an “OK” time, and lose a bit of interest not knowing a lot of their catalogue. But WOW, I left a huge fan of Kasabian. As soon as they hit the stage, every single person in the packed room was jumping, dancing, cheering, and the band threw everything at the crowd. Their songs are so high energy, and the band do a great job of involving the crowd. During one song, they also came into the crowd. Other than a band you’ll see coming up, this was one of the most fun shows I went to. And this is all despite the fact I could barely see. This was one of the tallest crowds of the year! But once the band hit the stage, I didn’t care. I was too busy jumping along! Good choice, Sean!

8. Father John Misty (Royal Alexanda Theatre, May 6th 2017)
In the words of the great Rob Duffy, “Father John Misty is a treasure”. What a vocal performance! Sean & I were blown away at how pitch perfect his voice was. With an orchestra alongside him, this night was a pure clinic on how to put on a fantastic listening experience. This wasn’t a concert you got up and danced along to. This was a night of appreciation, and it was a welcome change. I really can’t say enough about how good he sounded. But listen to his albums, and magnify it a little, and you’ve got his vocals live. Just incredible. If he hadn’t been playing the same night as Kasabian at Massey Hall this September, we might have gone to see him again.

7. Gorillaz (Air Canada Centre, July 10th 2017)
This was a birthday gift gone wrong, as we bought the tickets originally for our friend John, but turned out he already had them! So Sean and I still headed to the show, even though honestly we both weren’t 100% excited for it. I hadn’t really listened to the Gorillaz since their debut album, but I was still curious to see their stage set-up and how the live performances would worked. Like Kasabian, I was hooked on this show from start to finish, again despite only knowing a few songs. It was a loud, booming, fun, impressive display of talent. I was also surprised at the relative simplicity of the stage, with just a large screen and the band out front to keep us entertained. It worked so well! From there, it kickstarted my love of their last album “Humanz”. Plus it had been nearly a decade since this band had last performed in Toronto, so who knows when we’ll get to experience this again. Need a new party soundtrack, go get “Humanz” and I dare you not to rock out to “Momentz” (one of my fave songs of the night).

6. Arkells (Budweiser Stage, June 24th 2017)
Last year’s #1 artist has fallen in the ranks this year! CUE TO CONTROVERSY! Or not… let’s be honest, it was going to be really difficult to top last year’s stellar performance at Massey Hall. But they did come close! Hard to top an encore that included all of the day’s openers, and July Talk, singing “Dancin’ in the Dark”. Arkells just put on such a high energy show, it’s impossible not to dance, clap, and sing along with the band as they steamroll through their impressive catalogue. During “Drake’s Dad“, Max also ended up singing in the crowd just a few rows away from us which was a lot of fun (that song is so fun to sing along to). I’ll keep saying it, but check these guys out live. Their songs are so catchy, and so enjoyable, and their clear love of performance makes for an incredible experience live.

5. Broken Social Scene (Field Trip, June 3rd 2017 & Air Canada Centre, November 4th 2017)
Starting to lose count of how many times I’ve seen this band, but the past part of seeing this group is you never really have the same experience twice. There’s always different members, guests, etc that shake up the setlist and the vibe. At Field Trip, it was virtually a full house with pretty much every single member of BSS, ever!, presented and accounted for. It’s been a long time since I last heard Emily Haines sing “Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl”, and she was in top form. At the ACC, I got to hear one of my all-time faves, “Fire Eye’d Boy” live and I think I was the happiest person in the arena. Their new album is fantastic and might be my favourite of 2017, so it’s great seeing this band rejuvenated and still rocking after all these years.

4. Phoenix (Field Trip, June 4th 2017)
Going into Phoenix at Field Trip, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Sean had seen them a few years ago and thought they mailed it in. I was hoping it wouldn’t be the case this time. And WOW, I was completely floored. I danced the entire show, and it was the most fun concert of the year. Their energy was off the charts, and grabbed my attention right from “Ti Amo” the opening song, which they quickly followed with “Lasso”, another big hit. Their setup was also one of the most unique of the year – with an angled mirror behind them, giving the illusion of two bands on stage (and the front few rows were able to see a glimpse of what it looked like from the bands’s perspective.) The lights would reflect from all angles of the mirror, and as the sun set it created an awesome atmosphere, making it feel like we were in an arena (in a good way!) After belting out “1901” lead singer Thomas Mars crowd surfed as the band played on. I was completely exhausted after this show, and it’s been the one I’ve reflected back on the most. A sign of a great concert indeed!

3. Alt J (Massey Hall, October 27th 2017)
Alt J had blown Sean & I away at Osheaga back in 2015, and these three young guys are still doing just that. From the opening song “3WW” to the closer “Breezeblocks”, it was a near perfect setlist. I only wish they had kept playing! The most impressive part of Alt J is their albums are so layered, and their sound so complex, you’d think it wouldn’t translate to a live performance, but they pull it off. These three musicians filled Massey Hall with sound, and light. Their light show was one of the best this year, only barely edged out  by the next three bands. 2017 was an impressive year, and it seems insulting putting them at #3 as this was truly one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. (My parents who both came with us, are probably shaking their heads that this isn’t my #1 show of the year!)

2. Coldplay (Rogers Centre, August 21st 2017)
Guys. I waited over 5 years to see Coldplay, and it was worth the wait!! It had everything! Confetti! Lasers! One of their most colourful setups! An acoutstic set! Chris getting confetti in his mouth!! Jumping to “Charlie Brown”! A near perfect setlist! (What would make it perfect? If they played “Talk“). I can’t say I loved every single second – I found the slow portion of the show always drags my mood down. (In general, this can be a pet peeve of mine at concerts, but I accept that they happen). But despite this downfall, what always propels Coldplay above the rest is just what a full EVENT the night is. They play with passion, and leave you completely overwhelmed. There is always so much going on onstage, and because so many of their songs have that “swell”, things like the confetti truly do heighten the mood and lift your spirits. I truly do feel that they are incredibly appreciative of their fans, and it shows when Chris boyishly tries to charm the crowd, or playfully puts himself down. His banter is always just charming, and makes you feel like you’re watching them in a smaller venue. BONUS – they opened the Dome for the show! Instantly improves the sound quality! I hope Coldplay can continue to find their creativity and touring. I need this level of happiness in my life more regularly.

1. Arcade Fire (Air Canada Centre, November 4th 2017)
For the first time ever – there is a repeat winner!! Arcade Fire took the crown in my inaugural rankings back in 2014 and it’s really no surprise they’re taking it again this year. I know, the trendy thing right now is to hate on their latest albums and the shenanigans that came along with it, but regardless of whether their album is good, they are a talented group of people. This tour is by far their best. The unique “boxing ring” style show, set in the middle of the arena, was simple but genius. What I appreciated about it, was because the stage could rotate, I could at any time get a glimpse of what different members were doing. And that is my favourite part of an Arcade Fire show. By the end of the night, I am DYING to join them on stage. I could watch Will Butler roll around, banging a drum all day. It’s captivating watching them give everything for a performance. I also thought the new songs translated well to the live performances, and even enhanced the album for me. It’s also been a pleasure watching this band mature, and continue to improve live. They’ve come so far from when I first saw them on Toronto Island back in 2010.

Can we also talk about how I nearly EXPLODED with joy, when for the night’s closing number “Wake Up” they brought out Broken Social Scene?!?! I mean, two of my favourite bands, performing one of my favourite songs TOGETHER, IN FRONT OF MY FACE?! It was incredible!!!! That moment alone sealed the deal that this would be #1.

It was just a fantastic night of music, that I was lucky enough to enjoy with people I love. Can’t ask for much more than that.

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That’s 2017 in the books!!! Once again, get out and find your passion! If it’s music, go check out that band you’ve been dying to see, you never know when you may not get the chance again!

Thanks as always for reading!

12 Days of 2017

Jasper, Alberta views

It’s been awhile since I last blogged. Truth be told, it’s not for lack of trying. I have 10 entries sitting in my drafts. The real roadblock to actually finishing something has been my own hesitations. I began to convince myself that everyone was judging me for having this blog, and that it serves no real purpose. But I forgot that at the end of the day, I do this because it helps me. It gives me something to do when I am feeling sad, or anxious. It gives me a task instead of going in circles. If someone reads it, and finds it helpful, that’s a bonus. If someone reads it and thinks I am a loser, or an idiot – well then, so be it!

But I didn’t want to finish the year without looking back, and doing one of my favourite reflection exercises – and that’s picking the 12 days that impacted me in 2017. (And as usual, they’re in no particular order).

June 10, 2017

Day One of the Ride to Conquer Cancer. I trained so hard for this year’s event, and my hard work paid off. My goal had been to ride with the lead TEALPOWER riders for as much of the distance as possible, and I did! I was so scared I’d be the last person to catch up to the group, and would hold everyone back. Instead, I proved to myself that I did work hard enough, and am strong.

The downside… it came at a price. I badly injured my ulnar nerve (aka the funny bone nerve) and have not been on my bike since crossing the finish line in Niagara Falls on June 11th. It’s been months of being in pain and discomfort nearly every day. I also haven’t been able to lift weights and my running has been very limited. In fact my last run was over a month ago. Any time my pain flares up, I have to scale everything back and let my nerves rest.

This has been the source of a lot of anxiety and upset for me since. It’s been so frustrating being unable to do some of the things I love to do, including many of the things I also use to combat my anxiety such as knitting and exercising. I’ve been trying so hard to think positive but all too often it becomes easier to just think I’ll be in pain forever – or worse – that this is a sign of something more serious.

I’ve struggled a lot too with social media. I find it very difficult to see so many of my friends being active, and achieving new goals at the gym. I’ve often felt like a failure for still not being healed. I feel like others are judging me for NOT exercising or getting in better shape. But like all the doctors and physiotherapists have told me – nerve injuries take time and are incredibly stubborn. I just have to keep waiting.

But would I go back and do the Ride all over again? You bet. It’s always a life affirming weekend, that teaches me so much about the power of the human body. Plus, I get to share some laughs and memories with an incredible group of Riders. So cross your fingers I can clip into my pedals again in 2018.

June 16, 2017

Who doesn’t love a good wedding? My Aunt Serena married her partner Jo, making her an official part of our family! It was just another wonderful night with my family, getting to let loose and celebrate a wonderful partnership. I truly cherish and appreciate these times I get to spend with my family. Because we’re all so busy, and spread out across the Golden Horseshoe, it’s also not often anymore that we get the whole gang together. Like at Christmas, I love being able to get everyone in one place, so once again it reminds me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, loving and open family.

The one and only Lake Louise

September 29, 2017

Sean & I went to Calgary, and on this day, I saw the Rocky Mountains up close for the first time in my entire life. Any time I spent in the mountains was spent in awe. It was breathtaking, humbling, and overwhelming all at once. When we hiked through Grassi Lakes, I just couldn’t get over the sheer size of the Rockies. Nothing puts your anxiety into perspective quite like realizing how small you are in the world. It was a strange feeling at times, being surrounded by the mountains. But I loved every second of it. It reminded me how much I love adventure, and exploring. It showed me the importance of getting out, and experiencing new areas of this beautiful country I am lucky enough to call home. Being outdoors, always gives me so much peace of mind. It’s the way I reconnect to my spiritual side as well. Seeing so much natural beauty convinces me that there is so much more to this world that we will never understand.

And… I even went several days in a row without any nerve pain! Bonus!

I really hope one day we can go back. Not to mention, we have some incredible friends who live out West, who were kind enough to open their homes to us. I am always happy when I get to see Sean reconnecting with his childhood friends, and spending time with people he cares about.

February 14, 2017 

The start of another BFF vacation! This time I temporarily joined the Myner Household, and became one of 15 members of our Mexico squad! MC’s family were so welcoming to me, and never made me feel like a 5th (or 15th) wheel. I never felt as if I was “crashing” their family party, and not a full member of the team. And as usual, I am very thankful I have such a great BFF, who I get to travel with. Not all friends travel well, and somehow we’ve figured it out! MC and I also both discovered that snorkeling is an excellent therapy for anxiety! It is the perfect way to be mindful! You’re focused on your breathing, swimming AND staring at fish! You don’t have time to be scared! We both agreed all future trips must involve snorkels.

March 9, 2017 

On this night, a group of George Brown Marketing students put together a media panel. My group was discussing the changing state of affairs in sports broadcasting. I was so humbled to be asked to be part of the panel, and also incredibly excited!

One of the things that inspired me to get into sports broadcasting, was some advice I heard during a sports media panel when I was at Ryerson over a decade ago. A female producer was asked if she ever felt that she was treated differently for being a woman in a man’s industry. Her answer was surprising. She said that she actually found that being a female helped her stand out. She wasn’t just another “Mike” or “Andrew” in the newsroom. People noticed when she did good work, and when she showed off her sports expertise. She took the situation, and used it all to her advantage. With those words, I saw the power in re-framing a perceived detriment to a become advantage. I was so thrilled to have the chance to maybe inspire other kids to stick with sports media, and especially my fellow females. It was also fun getting to network with media personalities, and hear what young students think about the current state of media. I really hope I get to do more of these talks in the future.

December 10, 2017 

Toronto FC finally won the MLS Cup, and I was lucky enough to be in the stands for it! After being a fan of this team through so many difficult years, and watching them come SO CLOSE last year, I really didn’t know whether they’d be successful this year. It’s moments like these, too, that also remind me why I work in sports, and love it. I am so lucky to be involved in so much at my job. Sports have given me the chance to meet so many new people, challenge myself, and make new friends. I wouldn’t trade my line of work for any other area of the media business.

Hadn’t showered in like two days, but it was worth it

May 19, 2017

Years ago, if you had asked me what my Bucket List would contain – somewhere on it I would have had Algonquin Park listed on it. This year, thanks to Sean & his friend Chris, I was finally able to cross that off! We portaged into Lake Louisa via Rock Lake. Carrying all of our supplies was no joke, but so rewarding once we arrived at camp.

I camped a lot as a kid, but it was always car camping. This was my first time where I was off the grid. It was a little scary. I was definitely terrified of a bear attacking us at night, and didn’t sleep well at all. And even though it was May, it was still quite chilly in the Park. I think I wore about 5 layers at all times during the entire weekend. But I’d do it all over again in a second. I love everything about camping. You have the fresh air, the peace & quiet, campfires, hiking, and for the first time in my life I canoed! I really hope we get an opportunity to go back, I miss the beauty of Algonquin so much already.

Also, the best part of the weekend was being completely shut off from social media and our cell phones. With no service, there was no temptation to scroll mindlessly through Instagram or Twitter. Instead, I opened my eyes and absorbed every inch of scenery around me.

Not to mention, camping is another great cure for anxiety. You don’t have time during the day to be scared because you are just too busy! When you camp, everything is an ordeal. Want a cup of tea? Time to find the kettle, collect some water, start a small fire for the burner, wait forever for the water to boil, well you get the idea! There’s always something to be done, and it requires your focus. If I tried to even start worrying about something random while chopping wood, well I probably would have needed to be airlifted out of the park. It’s a great way to remind myself that being mindful and focusing on what’s right in front of me, is the best way to keep my anxiety from taking over.

Beautiful Algonquin (Lake Louisa)

August 26, 2017 

I can honestly say this was an unremarkable day by most standards. We didn’t do anything fancy. But it was one of the rare nights this summer that Sean & I just got to sit, and relax on our balcony. We enjoyed a warm summer evening, listening to new music, and enjoying the view of the city. To me, it was the perfect way to spend a night together. The summer was such a busy one this year, so I am thankful we got a little downtime together. As I usually find each year, it’s often the little moments that can stand out the most.

March 25, 2017

I know, I know. A little lame to put my own birthday party on this list, but I’m doing it anyways. With my confidence issues, it’s very easy for me to convince myself that I am not worthy of my friends. I can sometimes feel like I am just not good enough for them, and that one day, they’ll all realize this and stop hanging out with me. But on this night, they all reminded me that I am loved, and appreciated by so many different people. And we also discovered that ax throwing is the best way to spend a birthday party!

May 7, 2017/October 22, 2017

This is really a 2-for-1 since both of these dates were road races I completed this year. And both times I went into them with a lot of doubt. For the Goodlife 10km in May, I did not feel ready. I had been focusing on cycling, and didn’t train properly. My original goal had been in under an hour, but I adjusted my expectations. I was embarrassed with myself, and thought I was a failure. I thought that people would see my finish time and think “what a loser, she does all that training and still can’t run 10km in under an hour?” It was the same for the Scotiabank 5km in October. I knew I wouldn’t finish in under 30 minutes, and feared I’d barely get in under 45 minutes. For Scotiabank, it was my nerve injury. I had run only a handful of times before the race.

But with both races, I exceeded my expectations. I have to keep reminding myself that my finish time isn’t always important – and that often setting such high expectations of myself when I am not 100% isn’t going to do my confidence any favours. Instead, I need to remember that I still achieved it, and still attempted it. That’s all I can really ask of myself.

November 30, 2017

Sadly, like 2016, in 2017 I said goodbye to another grandparent. This time it was my Grandmother on my father’s side. It was a bittersweet day for a number of reasons. I wasn’t terribly close to my Grandmother, but I always knew she was proud of me, and loved me. But she was a bit of a mystery to me. Her and my grandfather moved from Welland to Elmira before I was born, and she remained there even after my grandfather passed away of a heart attack in 1982. It was at her funeral I learned the extent of her “other life”. What broke my heart was just seeing how many people she impacted throughout her life. I was sad for those who loved her dearly, and now had to say goodbye. I was also sad because, as with all deaths, it’s that final realization that you’ll never get that time back with that person. I will now never have the chance to know my grandmother better, and that saddens me. But, I am trying to see this as an excellent reminder not to let me anxiety hold me back, and live life fully.

July 29, 2017 

We actually made a big decision that will impact 2018 more than it did in 2017 – we officially booked our plane tickets to South Africa! We’re heading there in just a few months, with our good friends Peter & Giles. The trip has been in the works for a long time, but to actually put a real date on our departure, was a big moment. We’ll be gone for nearly a month, so it’s definitely the biggest travel undertaking I’ve ever experienced! (Oh… and that night we went on to enjoy a fun BBQ hosted by our friends Alan & Amanda)

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And that’s 2017 in a nutshell! It was another incredible year, and one that truly felt like it went by too fast. I really hope time slows down a little in 2018, so I can stop and enjoy the little moments a little more.

I don’t have many new resolutions for this year, but it’s much of the same as last – stop beating myself up over the things I cannot control, and don’t let my anxiety stop me from experiencing new and memorable things.

Have a great holiday season everyone, and stay tuned for the Top Live Bands of 2017!

Riding Forward

Me, at last year’s starting line for the 2016 Ride to Conquer Cancer

On June 10th, I will approach the start line of the 10th annual Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer. Back in October, I wrote a piece for the Huffington Post Blogs as part of World Mental Health Day detailing why it means so much to me to participate in the Ride, and highlighting my journey with health anxiety. All of that still remains true, but I feel my journey hasn’t quite taken the path I envisioned seven months ago.

Let me explain…

For TEALPOWER, the team on which I Ride, this year has been a success! We’ve made so many strides raising cervical cancer awareness.

On May 25th, we held our second annual event – “TEALPOWER Presents: Heart to HeART”. The night was centred around an art battle, where three different artists created paintings in real time. We raised $27,000 for cervical cancer research, with proceeds going to Team TEALPOWER’s 2017 Ride to Conquer Cancer campaign, benefiting Princess Margaret Cancer Centre.

Those of us on the TEALPOWER committee knew Alison Salinas, TEALPOWER’S late Co-Founder in some shape or form. Most of the group knew her as their best friend, their sister, or the love of their life. We all want TEALPOWER to succeed because Alison believed in it, and we believed in her. It’s not often nowadays that you can get so many people to commit so fully to something. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our lives and push things aside. We held ourselves accountable on weekly calls, meetings, and set deadlines preparing for our fundraiser.  A successful event would mean all of us would reach our Ride fundraising goals. TEALPOWER would grow, and new people would hear our message.

With this year’s Ride around the corner it’s been a time of reflection for me. Part of this winter hasn’t been what I wanted. I thought I got off to a good start with my “January Goals“. I wanted to be completely anxiety free. I thought I could lose about 15lbs in the span of three months, and get off my anti-depressants with very few withdrawal symptoms. I wanted to be “perfect”. Instead, the “perfect Tesla” I had in my head drove me downwards at times. I got down on myself when I wasn’t losing weight “fast enough”. I struggled a lot with my health anxiety this winter. I’ve probably diagnosed myself with about 10 different ailments since 2017 began. At times, it’s taken over my emotions and it’s been tough to re-focus my attention.

After last year’s Ride, I felt amazing. I was so deeply proud of myself, and my team. The entire weekend reminded me how important it is to believe in yourself. I soaked in every second. Living in the moment is the only way to truly keep my anxiety at bay. My hope was that I would carry that confidence all year, and feel like a million dollars leading into this year.

Instead, I beat myself up. I told myself I wasn’t training enough, that I wouldn’t be good enough. Even though it isn’t a race, I didn’t want to be the slowest one on the team because in my mind I would be dragging us down. And this is what I do. I tear myself down, expect the worst. Anxiety doesn’t let you have nice things. You don’t spend time, sitting back and really appreciating accomplishments. Instead, your mind will criticize, and nit pick. The smallest detail will become the biggest flaw. I’ll see a photo of myself in my helmet and think “I look terrible wearing that”.

I have two ways of looking at how my winter/spring went. I could regard it as a total failure, and go into the Ride feeling horrible. My mindset going in would drag me down, and inevitably I would become a self-fulling prophecy. Or, I can look at things differently. I could say to myself “you did a lot of positive things, and you continue to work on yourself”. I can remind myself how I’ve trained a lot more this year, specifically on my bike, and that no one cares how quickly or slowly I finish the Ride. We are a team, after all. By re-framing how I look back on the start of 2017, I can change how I will approach the moments before kick-off. Being nicer to myself, and forgiving myself will allow me to be the best Tesla for Team Tealpower that I can be.

Anxiety and mental illness shouldn’t get to take my big accomplishments away from me.

I am so thankful I have a wonderful group of Riders to call my teammates. They will give me hope, and lift my spirits – often without even realizing it. By completing this, I will once again tell myself that I am strong, worthy, and capable.

I can do this. 

To donate to my 2017 Ride to Conquer Cancer journey, please click here