12 Days of 2019

I feel like I broke a bit of a promise. I came out of hiding and wrote my first entry about grieving, and then just stopped… Naturally, one of the blog ideas I have for my informal “series” on grief is about motivation, and how I seem to have lost it. I did really expect to keep writing, it felt really therapeutic to do so last time, but here we are, nearing the end of 2019 and I didn’t keep it up.

I am sure many of us out there are feeling the same. Where did the time go? There’s also the added knowledge that a decade is ending… forcing all of us to wonder, where did the past ten years go?! It’s a humbling time, and for me this year, an overwhelming experience. I’ll get into that in more detail another time, but really, I haven’t felt this “stuck” in a long time.

Therefore, in my quest to begin to rediscover myself, my passions, and frankly, to reconnect with people, here is the annual tradition. Here, in chronological order, are the 12 Days of 2019* that shaped my life.

December 21^st 2018*

Yes, I am cheating and including a date from last year! BUT… technically, this date happened after I published last year’s 12 days… so I am including it! On December 21^st, I woke up in a terrible mood. I had a few things planned: go to the gym, get my nails done, and finish Christmas shopping. Then Sean and I were going to relax before heading out on our annual Christmas journey visiting all of our families. My anxiety was not happy, however, because I had slept in, and in my mind that meant I ruined my entire day.  And so I woke up, cried, got angry and just generally spent the day in a “mood”. Flash forward to the evening, I was feeling a little better. Sean and I were heading out to Kringlewood, our Christmas tradition. On Inglewood Drive near St. Clair and Mount Pleasant, the entire street is filled with giant inflatable Santas. (And all of the houses look like they are straight out of Home Alone.) We love going! This year, as Sean and I were about to leave I asked him for a hug. I noticed something odd, his heart was POUNDING. I was a little alarmed, but he seemed okay so I didn’t bring it up… We get home from the street of Santas, and we begin wrapping some gifts. Sean keeps the music going playing Haim, Sam Roberts, and The Beatles. Finally, about three hours after we got home from Kringlewood, I go to the bathroom. This is a key detail. Sean needed to place a special item in our Christmas tree, and he needed me out of the room. What he didn’t count on is that I would nurse one small beer and somehow not need a pee break for hours! I wander out from the bathroom and Sean hands me a card. Inside, it contained all the funny and embarrassing quotes he has had over the years. But 2018 was blank, and when I asked why he didn’t put a quote for 2018, he answered by reaching into our Christmas tree and pulling out a tiny box. He then got down on one knee, and for the second time that day I was crying. Needless to say though, these were some of the happiest tears of my life.

January 13^th 2019

I’ve written about my wonderful group of girlfriends before, and on this day we finally got all of us in one room. It’s a rare feat! Everyone is always so busy and scattered amongst Southern Ontario. Throw in some kids and it truly is like herding cats! Admittedly, they’re a group I feel I  have most unintentionally disconnected myself from as this year has gone by. I feel I didn’t reach out as much as I should, or just check in as often as I should have with others. We have a group chat where we vent, share stories, memes, and provide a space for all of us to seek comfort when we need it. Given how busy everyone is, and my tendency to not want to burden people with my problems, I definitely became more withdrawn as the year went on. I’ve been through a lot of conflicting emotions. I’ve often felt forgotten about, or I’ve let my anxiety sometimes convince me that people don’t want to reach out to me because they know my answers might be depressing (and that is in general, not specifically directed to this group). Recently, most of us attended a Christmas party hosted by our friends Amanda & Alan, and it was really wonderful to be surrounded by this group again. There’s so much love, and I am truly grateful to have them in my corner when I need it. Now hopefully we’ll all be in the same room more than once in 2020!

February 8^th 2019

The best and worst part about everyday life is that when you wake up each day, you truly have no idea what surprises might occur. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and discover you’ve won the lottery, or that the rainy forecast for your outdoor BBQ has turned sunny. Little or big, each day has the potential to catch you off guard. But nothing, absolutely nothing, prepares you for having the rug pulled out from underneath you. On this day I went to work, and Sean picked me up afterwards. We were going to spend the evening supporting a friend of ours at the opening night of his play in Scarborough. A pretty standard Friday. And then I checked my phone at intermission. Missed calls. Voicemails. I stepped outside, and called my aunt. Then the world stopped. Just like that. For a brief time, as I sat in the lobby of the theatre being consoled by our friends, there was part of me that truly believed if I never left that bench, reality would never catch up to me. I wouldn’t have to go to Welland and deal with a world without my father.

Sadly, that’s not what happens when life hands you devastating news. You have to deal with it, whether you want to or not.

February 17th 2019 

Somehow through the fog, we planned my dad’s Celebration of Life. We chose the Welland Legion, namely because it was informal and a place where we could host a large party to celebrate him. He would have been so furious with us if we planned a full blown funeral. He wanted laughter, music, and memories to be shared. We had a feeling the turnout would be large (Dad was, after all, part of a big family), but we were completely blown away that at least 400 people came through the doors to bid their farewell. It was a flood of memories and faces I hadn’t seen in years. Reunions some of us never thought possible. But most of all, it was incredibly moving to see the impact my father made on people. How many of us can say they will pack a room to its capacity when their time is up? It also made me reflect a lot on how he lived his life. I often feel bad that I never took my parents travelling, or that Dad & I never made it to New York. Those of us who escape to big cities tend to think we have larger social circles than the ones we leave behind in the small towns. But at the end of the day, through the roots my Dad created by staying in Welland nearly his entire life, my Dad cast a web far greater than I could ever hope to. (I will also say, he was also really good at keeping connected to distant family and friends). Geographically, his world was small. But socially, my Dad was the Mayor of Margaret Street. Everyone was welcome in his home, and it shows in the lasting relationships and bonds he created. I now want to strive to create those bonds for myself. To host friends in the same manner he did. To welcome strangers without judgement. Mom and I did him proud that day, and I think back to that afternoon often, wishing in some ways I could go back and share more stories, more laughs, and more tears.

February 23^rd 2019

Have you ever been to a wedding where not only the bride & groom open the dance floor with hip hop karaoke, but where the bride also performs a 3 song setlist with her rock band? Because that’s exactly what we did at John & Val’s wedding! In the days leading up to their wedding, I really had no idea how I would get through it. Not only was I still on an emotional roller coaster, but this wedding meant a lot to Sean & I since we were seeing some of our closest friends wed (and for Sean, he also had Best Man duties to fulfill!) I was also dreading having to answer questions. Many people at the wedding were also present the night I got the call about my Dad. It was a lot. But, at the end of the day, life is not only about mourning loss, but celebrating love and joy. And it was so incredible to be one of the many people there to support John & Val, and shower them with support for a happy life together. The night created a host of new memories for us all to share (with a video made by John to prove it).

March 5th 2019

My father passed away just weeks before his 66^th birthday. Nearly immediately after his death, my aunt and several others began asking the City of Welland to find a way to honour the man who so beautifully captured the town’s spirits in his artwork. Incredibly, they put together the perfect tribute. Thanks to the Welland Canal, the city has an iconic bridge, Bridge 13. Similar bridges have lined the Canal throughout its history, and my father used these bridges as many of his muses. So on what would have been his 66^th birthday, the bridge was lit up in my father’s favourite colour – deep blue. All day it had been snowing, much to the chagrin of my mom.  But ultimately, I like to think my dad made that happen. Because with the bridge surrounded by a fresh snowfall, it truly stood out. The dark night sky also helped give the bridge a brilliant glow. It was definitely eerie to see it, and know that it was for him. One of the most surreal moments of my life. It was another time, too, where I truly appreciated the mark my dad left because, as a friend pointed out, not many people will ever get honoured by their community in such a manner.

May 3rd 2019

This year I was able to get my mom to Toronto TWICE! If you know my mom, you’ll know that this is quite momentous. I was also able to take her to two concerts – Massive Attack in September, and Snow Patrol. This, like all things in 2019, was bittersweet. The Snow Patrol tickets were a Christmas gift to my parents. They had such a great time coming to visit us in 2017 to see Alt-J at Massey Hall, and I felt Snow Patrol would be a great band to take them to next. (And actually, mom and I saw Snow Patrol together back in 2012, where a then-unknown singer named Ed Sheeran opened for them!) But the day, despite the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, was still extremely memorable and joyful. My Aunt Lorraine joined my mom on the trip up to Toronto, and together we made it a really fun ladies night! I took them shopping downtown at Sonic Boom, and we hung out at my apartment. At dinner, MC joined us to complete the foursome. The concert was emotional, but it felt therapeutic to be there at the same time. I had a Budweiser for Dad during the show, and at some point I think most of us shed a few tears. It was certainly an emotional release that I needed, and we all know the power that music has to heal. (More on the concert itself to come in my annual Rankings!) And also, my mom and aunt definitely learned they’re still a couple of party animals. We went out for drinks after the concert, and even though I dropped them off at their hotel just after Midnight, those two stayed up well into the night laughing and partying at their hotel room! Needless to say, some naps were needed the next day!

July 15^th 2019

I took a week off during the summer to spend an extended amount of time back in beautiful Niagara. One of my favourite childhood haunts is Rock Point Provincial Park. We spent many summer nights camping there, and many more days at the beach (even if it was just for the day). I could write an entire novel of happy memories from there! This day was my first time back in about six years. The shoreline was definitely a little beat up from the abornally wet spring, but the view of Lake Erie was just as I remember. As my mom always says, the water is very healing. And it was. It felt amazing to be in the sun, laughing with everyone, and listening to the waves. I know most will say nothing beats white sandy beaches along the ocean, but I’ll take Lake Erie any day of the week. I love days like this when you can reminisce, and feel like a kid again.

July 18^th 2019

While I was home in the summer, my cousin Amber was insisting that I go try on wedding dresses. I was hesitant because we didn’t have the entire entourage with us. I didn’t want to leave anyone out of the process! So there we were, having a platter of BBQ for lunch when finally she wore me down. I agreed to go to Second Dance Bridal in St. Catharines just to, in her words, “toot around a little bit”. I wasn’t exactly feeling “bridal” after inhaling about three different types of meat, French fries and coleslaw, so I didn’t think we’d be successful finding a dress. After all, what were the odds my mom, Amber and I would find it at the first store? … Well… pretty good odds it turns out! After trying on about 6 or 7 dresses that clearly weren’t “the one”, the helpful store assistant Sam announced that she had one more dress for me try on. She told us it was her favourite dress the store had ever received, and that she thought I would love it. Amber hated it on the hanger, but I was having fun so I put it on. As soon as I stepped out of the dressing room it was game over. My mom started crying and we all slowly realized I was wearing “the dress”! And then we realized how much trouble we were going to be in because we were missing my Aunt Lorraine, my cousin Shauna, and my BFF Maid of Honour MC… but it was all worth it because the dress is stunning and I cannot wait to show Sean on our wedding day!

August 7^th 2019

At the end of 2018 I joined WISE – Women in Sports & Events. It’s part of my efforts to help further my career and advance my contacts within the industry. And also, they host some really cool events. On this day, we lucked out. It was a Tennis themed event, taking place at the Rogers Cup, and as luck would have it, we’d get to see the legend, Serena Williams! But the main reason I was attending the event was because of the guest speaker – Stacey Allastar. Ms. Allaster is not only a fellow Wellander, but also part of a unique group. Allastar is one of five women from Welland, in the same age range, who went on to hold executive positions in sports management. See this article from the Toronto Star for the full scope (it’s really freaking cool actually.) For me, a career goal would be to be considered equal among those women. Allastar spoke a lot about the challenges women face working in sports. A lot of women leave the industry to start families, or find themselves pushed out of “boys clubs”. I was so inspired hearing her speak, and hearing about her journey. It re-energized me, and my passion for my career. And then, as the sun was setting, the cherry on top was getting to watch Serena Williams go to work. Another female who has overcome so much adversity, continues to battle her demons, but yet still strives to be the best. An incredibly empowering evening, and one I won’t soon forget.

 August 24th 2019

Sometimes, some of the best nights are the simplest. We went down to Niagara to visit my mom and we spent the afternoon playing shuffle board in the backyard. That night, we ended up at the Nagy’s house for a bonfire. The Nagy’s are long-time friends of my parents, in fact, my Dad & Brian had been friends since childhood. I have countless memories of spending time with their daughters, making dumb homemade videos, bonfires in their backyard, Christmas parties, skating on their homemade ice rink, and camping together at Long Point Provincial Park. I can’t explain, but there was something extra special about this August night. The music Brian had selected was as if my Dad was the one curating the playlist. Old songs from albums I hadn’t heard in years sparked an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. And then, the fish fry started and we ate some of the most delicious fish tacos I have ever had in my life! The stars were shining bright, and the air was fresh. A cozy, comfortable night in Dain City.

September 19^th 2019

I am pretty darn lucky. I work with an incredibly dedicated group of people, who bust their butts all year long. It’s hard to find someone at TSN who is underworked. And so when the TSN Fun Squad started the ball hockey tournament, it became a huge success because it provided us with a time to cool off, have some friendly (or not so friendly at times) competition, and have fun together. It’s important to be reminded why you get up every day and drag yourself out to Scarborough. My team, “Run PMC” (with the PMC standing for Programming-Marketing-Communications), didn’t make it to the playoffs (we lost a heartbreaker in the Round Robin), but it was still an awesome day under the sun. Some of us grabbed drinks afterwards on a nearby patio, and it felt like the perfect way to end summer. My 2020 goal: get the gang all together more often to share more laughs and give each other a chance to appreciate the incredible people we get to call coworkers.

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There’s many more days I could have, and wanted to write about, but when I reflect back on the year, these are some of the days I am most drawn to. Thanks for indulging me, and I hope you all get a chance to reflect back on your own 2019 experiences, good and bad.

As a preview of sorts for my annual concert rankings, here’s one of my favourite songs of 2019. Tame Impala released this song just before my birthday on March 22^nd. I listened to it for the first time on the TTC as I made my way downtown to do a little shopping. I had to hold back tears because the lyrics felt like they were perfectly capturing how I had been feeling since February. I could also just picture my Dad blasting this song on his stereo. Despite the fact that it was making me cry, I often turn to this song for a pick-me up. It’s got a catchy disco-psychedelic beat that only Tame Impala can pull off.

Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

12 Days of 2018

Tofino, BC

2018 has been an incredibly unique year, filled with experiences I never thought I’d ever encounter – both positive and negative. I haven’t blogged much over the past year, mainly because I’ve often struggled with the right words to detail what I am feeling. I also have often felt as is my words don’t matter, because I know so many other people close to me going through much worse obstacles. It’s hard for me to really articulate my own feelings when in comparison they feel meaningless to others.

Honestly, I also became really self-conscious about my blogging. I started it as a way to just get my anxiety out, and use it as a tool in my journey to easing my fears. It was also inspiring to receive messages from so many friends and colleagues saying “I understand you, I am going through the same thing, let’s help each other”. I never started doing it for the attention, or to cry “woe is me”. But I started to convince myself that everyone was judging me for writing. That people resented my blog, and saw it as the musings of someone complaining about their “first world problems”. I let the stigma of being open with my illness get to me.

And when I stopped writing, I noticed I got into my own head more this year. I let things fester more. So, in 2019 I am not entirely sure if I’ll continue writing publicly or what I’ll be doing, but I know I need to do more in 2019 in order to find the right key to getting my anxiety under control.

Anyways! Back to the matter at hand – my 12 Days of 2018. In what has become an annual tradition, I like to take some time and reflect on the days – big and small – that have had an impact on my life. It’s often a helpful reminder that things aren’t always bad, and that even though another year has flown by, a lot has happened.

Merry Christmas everyone – and stay tuned for the upcoming rankings of my year in concerts!

Blyde Canyon, South Africa

March 15^th 2018

Let’s get this one out of the way shall we? This was a horrible day. It’ll unfortunately stick with me for the rest of my life. It was the day we were robbed at gunpoint in Johannesburg. I don’t want to re-hash the exact details of what happened. It’s not what’s important here. The aftermath is. We continued on with our trip with the goal of finishing out the remaining three weeks we had planned in South Africa. However, about 48 hours after the robbery, the levels of anxiety and fear I was feeling were unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was terrified. I honestly believed that if we remained in that country we weren’t going to make it out alive. In the end, we cut the trip short and came home early. I had hoped that once we got home I’d return to “normal”. But that wasn’t the case. I spent the next couple of weeks at home cycling between anger, jealously, resentment, and found myself unable to make the simplest of decisions. Nothing felt right. I was incredibly angry that this happened to us. We also felt embarrassed and ashamed that we chose to come home. It felt like we were a bunch of cowardly losers. I have to say it took me a long time to start losing a lot of these emotions, and even then they still come up. I still have a hard time seeing everyone’s vacation photos on social media. I hate that this day is a moment in my life. I mourn the loss of the memories we didn’t get to make. Honestly, I could continue to ramble on about the after effects this day has had. Despite all the negative “side-effects”, I will say, nothing has made me more grateful for the country I live in and the city I live in than being exposed to such desperate conditions. Canadians have it very good. We should never forget that and always keep fighting to make it better.

Nambiti Game Reserve, South Africa

March 18^th 2018

The trip to South Africa wasn’t a complete waste, and it did provide me with one of the most epic moments of my life. On this morning, the day after we decided to come home early, we were on our final game drive as part of our stay at a safari lodge. (Side note – the staff at our lodge were some of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. They were so helpful and supportive of our situation, and truly opened their hearts to us. I could write an entire blog post about them alone). We were staying on a HUGE nature reserve, home to the African Big 5 and a whole host of other animals. It was incredible. But on this morning, as the sun was rising, we stumbled upon a pride of lions. The park is so big that often the game rangers “lose” sight of animals for weeks at a time. We later learned the rangers had been looking for the lions for the past several weeks to no avail. But then, finally on that morning we were the lucky jeep! It was so overwhelming to see these incredible creatures in the flesh that I started to cry. I took it as a hopeful sign that things were going to be OK, and to remember that there is beauty all around us. It was also just really freaking cool.

April 14^th 2018

A simple day on my calendar, but no less memorable. There was a huge snowstorm in Toronto on this day. My good friend Sarah & I were still determined to hang out, so we went to a local bar to watch the Raptors first playoff game. We had a great time, and it was one of the first times I remember just laughing, having fun, and not thinking about our recent trauma. Then sadly, I received some sad news about my co-worker Steve Hudson. Steve lost his battle with pancreatic cancer on this day. Another one of life’s reminders to be thankful for each day and each moment you can spend with friends and loved ones. You truly don’t know what’s around the corner, and Steve’s short battle with cancer was a stark reminder of that.

May 17^th 2018

I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by a strong group of women, and on this night we had just about all of us in one place as we went for dinner at a tiki bar! It’s tough to get us all in one place sometimes. Some of my friends are young moms, another friend is battling cancer, and the rest of us are just overworked with jobs and social obligations. But it’s wonderful for me to get us all together so we can appreciate having each other. Thanks ladies for all you do in my life!

July 20^th 2018

This was really an entire weekend – Sean & I spent the weekend up in Huntsville with a group of friends. What makes this weekend so memorable for me is that it was a carefree weekend (well, relatively, up until a rogue football caused some trouble, and a floating peacock escaped), with a group of people that have embraced me. I’m always really honoured that Sean’s friends have welcomed me so much (more on that later), and I’m really thankful to call all of them friends. I’m so glad we put the wheels in motion to make this weekend happen. It was a good reminder of why it’s important to get plugging away to actually make plans happen – versus always lamenting about all the things we didn’t do. It’s one of the positives that South Africa reminded me – if you have the chance to do something, DO IT. Don’t sit around and wait for it to happen, make it happen.

August 27^th 2018

On this day I had the chance to do something rare in life – which is complete a full circle. There’s part of my backstory that I don’t talk about much. Before I was born my parents lived briefly in Nanaimo, British Columbia. And before me, they had another daughter. April Dawn was my mom’s first child, and by all accounts was an angel on earth. She loved horses. And it was April who made the final call to move to Nanaimo form Welland after she says she was visited by an angel who told her it would be the best time of her life. The angel was right, my sister loved BC. But then tragically, in February 1983, my sister was crossing the road to visit her beloved horses when she was struck and ultimately killed by an impaired driver. She was only 7. My parents immediately left Nanaimo, and haven’t been back since. I was born two years later. On August 27^th I closed that circle and went back to pay tribute to April. Sean & I left flowers alongside heartfelt letters. I finally saw with my own eyes the neighbourhood they lived in, the school she went to, and got to experience what it would have been like to cross the ferry from Vancouver. It’s a moment I am so thankful for, and a memory I will cherish with me always.

And PS… don’t ever drive impaired.

From the ferry ride to Vancouver Island

August 28^th 2018

After stopping in Nanaimo, Sean & I drove onto Tofino. And, WOW. I truly left a piece of my heart in Tofino. What an incredible place. The best part of Tofino, though, was learning to surf! It was such a huge challenge, and I loved every second of it. I had so many doubts about being able to surf (what if I re-damaged my nerves, what if I drowned, etc), that I am so happy I put all of them to rest and just fully enjoyed the moment. I can see why so many people adopt a nomadic lifestyle in order to make surfing such a big part of their lives. It was incredibly addicting, and I hope our next trip together includes some more ocean time! It was another good reminder that it’s important to challenge yourself, set new goals, and try something that makes you a little uncomfortable – because the results may surprise you.

September 8^th 2018

One thing I discovered this year is RuPaul’s Drag Race. I cannot recommend this show enough. Not only is it the perfect show to binge watch when you want a good laugh, I actually find it’s taught me a lot about myself. Drag is all about challenging perceptions and rules. Growing up, I was never confident in myself. I often cycle through phases where I hate my clothes, my hair, my appearance, etc. I’ll admit that I keep my makeup pretty simple mainly because I feel like a fraud when I wear it. I honestly believe that people will look at me wearing lipstick and think “what a loser, she looks so terrible. She’s trying way too hard to fit in and be cool”. It’s a holdover from my teenaged years when I really felt down on myself. But, I love makeup. I love seeing how it can transform you, and be something fun to play around with. I don’t really think of makeup as something I “have” to do. I think of it as something where I can play around with my features and make myself stand out from the crowd. So, on September 8^th I met up with two friends, MC & Vicky, to attend the RuPaul Drag Race Werk the World show, and damnit, I curled my hair and put lipstick on. I did it to challenge myself, to make myself feel worthy of dressing up. If I don’t challenge my insecurities, then they win. And like Mama Ru says, “If you don’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love anybody else, can I get an amen?”

Crystal Beach

October 6^th 2018

Thanksgiving in Niagara is one of my favourite times of the year. we had a lot of wonderful memories visiting my family this year, but it felt most fitting to include Thanksgiving to this list, since after all, it’s the holiday meant to make you most appreciative for all you’ve been blessed with. I’m very lucky to have a supportive family. And as a side bonus, we got to celebrate my cousin’s engagement!

October 21^st 2018

I think this day makes the list every year, but once again completing the Scotiabank Waterfront 5km race was especially satisfying this year. It’s been a long road in the recovery process with my ulnar nerve injury. I haven’t run much at all over the course of this year, as having my elbows bent for any prolonged period often causes pain and numbness. But, I woke up early on a Sunday morning and found myself running one of my best times in several years. I broke the sub-30 minute mark again for my finish time, and I was completely thrilled. It proved to myself that I am making progress and am slowly getting back into fighting shape.

November 2^nd 2018

I alluded to this earlier, but I am always so incredibly thankful that Sean’s friends have embraced me like they have. And on this night I had the honour of being part of our friend Val’s bachelorette party. It really meant a lot to me to be invited and included, and to share this experience with everyone. And of course, it was an incredibly fun night filled with some pretty lasting memories (even with a minor detour at the end of the night).

November 3^rd 2018

The night after Val’s epic bachelorette party, Sean & I had a rare night out. Normally our weekends are filled with running errands, other social obligations, or just taking a chance to relax at home.  But earlier in the year Sean had surprised me with tickets to Come From Away, the musical about the town of Gander, Newfoundland in the wake of the September 11^th attacks. So we made it into a date night, complete with a delicious meal at one of our favorite restaurants beforehand. Not only was it special to spend a night out just the two of us (I am an incredibly lucky girl to have Sean in my life), but the show itself was an absolute joy to watch. I wholeheartedly loved it from start to finish, even crying several times throughout the show. I don’t get out to live theatre performances as often as I should, and normally I don’t like musicals, but this was a special experience. I’m so thankful Sean finally listened to my constant chatter about this show, and treated us to a lovely night out.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Merry Christmas everyone! Take care of yourselves in 2019

12 Days of 2017

Jasper, Alberta views

It’s been awhile since I last blogged. Truth be told, it’s not for lack of trying. I have 10 entries sitting in my drafts. The real roadblock to actually finishing something has been my own hesitations. I began to convince myself that everyone was judging me for having this blog, and that it serves no real purpose. But I forgot that at the end of the day, I do this because it helps me. It gives me something to do when I am feeling sad, or anxious. It gives me a task instead of going in circles. If someone reads it, and finds it helpful, that’s a bonus. If someone reads it and thinks I am a loser, or an idiot – well then, so be it!

But I didn’t want to finish the year without looking back, and doing one of my favourite reflection exercises – and that’s picking the 12 days that impacted me in 2017. (And as usual, they’re in no particular order).

June 10, 2017

Day One of the Ride to Conquer Cancer. I trained so hard for this year’s event, and my hard work paid off. My goal had been to ride with the lead TEALPOWER riders for as much of the distance as possible, and I did! I was so scared I’d be the last person to catch up to the group, and would hold everyone back. Instead, I proved to myself that I did work hard enough, and am strong.

The downside… it came at a price. I badly injured my ulnar nerve (aka the funny bone nerve) and have not been on my bike since crossing the finish line in Niagara Falls on June 11th. It’s been months of being in pain and discomfort nearly every day. I also haven’t been able to lift weights and my running has been very limited. In fact my last run was over a month ago. Any time my pain flares up, I have to scale everything back and let my nerves rest.

This has been the source of a lot of anxiety and upset for me since. It’s been so frustrating being unable to do some of the things I love to do, including many of the things I also use to combat my anxiety such as knitting and exercising. I’ve been trying so hard to think positive but all too often it becomes easier to just think I’ll be in pain forever – or worse – that this is a sign of something more serious.

I’ve struggled a lot too with social media. I find it very difficult to see so many of my friends being active, and achieving new goals at the gym. I’ve often felt like a failure for still not being healed. I feel like others are judging me for NOT exercising or getting in better shape. But like all the doctors and physiotherapists have told me – nerve injuries take time and are incredibly stubborn. I just have to keep waiting.

But would I go back and do the Ride all over again? You bet. It’s always a life affirming weekend, that teaches me so much about the power of the human body. Plus, I get to share some laughs and memories with an incredible group of Riders. So cross your fingers I can clip into my pedals again in 2018.

June 16, 2017

Who doesn’t love a good wedding? My Aunt Serena married her partner Jo, making her an official part of our family! It was just another wonderful night with my family, getting to let loose and celebrate a wonderful partnership. I truly cherish and appreciate these times I get to spend with my family. Because we’re all so busy, and spread out across the Golden Horseshoe, it’s also not often anymore that we get the whole gang together. Like at Christmas, I love being able to get everyone in one place, so once again it reminds me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, loving and open family.

The one and only Lake Louise

September 29, 2017

Sean & I went to Calgary, and on this day, I saw the Rocky Mountains up close for the first time in my entire life. Any time I spent in the mountains was spent in awe. It was breathtaking, humbling, and overwhelming all at once. When we hiked through Grassi Lakes, I just couldn’t get over the sheer size of the Rockies. Nothing puts your anxiety into perspective quite like realizing how small you are in the world. It was a strange feeling at times, being surrounded by the mountains. But I loved every second of it. It reminded me how much I love adventure, and exploring. It showed me the importance of getting out, and experiencing new areas of this beautiful country I am lucky enough to call home. Being outdoors, always gives me so much peace of mind. It’s the way I reconnect to my spiritual side as well. Seeing so much natural beauty convinces me that there is so much more to this world that we will never understand.

And… I even went several days in a row without any nerve pain! Bonus!

I really hope one day we can go back. Not to mention, we have some incredible friends who live out West, who were kind enough to open their homes to us. I am always happy when I get to see Sean reconnecting with his childhood friends, and spending time with people he cares about.

February 14, 2017 

The start of another BFF vacation! This time I temporarily joined the Myner Household, and became one of 15 members of our Mexico squad! MC’s family were so welcoming to me, and never made me feel like a 5th (or 15th) wheel. I never felt as if I was “crashing” their family party, and not a full member of the team. And as usual, I am very thankful I have such a great BFF, who I get to travel with. Not all friends travel well, and somehow we’ve figured it out! MC and I also both discovered that snorkeling is an excellent therapy for anxiety! It is the perfect way to be mindful! You’re focused on your breathing, swimming AND staring at fish! You don’t have time to be scared! We both agreed all future trips must involve snorkels.

March 9, 2017 

On this night, a group of George Brown Marketing students put together a media panel. My group was discussing the changing state of affairs in sports broadcasting. I was so humbled to be asked to be part of the panel, and also incredibly excited!

One of the things that inspired me to get into sports broadcasting, was some advice I heard during a sports media panel when I was at Ryerson over a decade ago. A female producer was asked if she ever felt that she was treated differently for being a woman in a man’s industry. Her answer was surprising. She said that she actually found that being a female helped her stand out. She wasn’t just another “Mike” or “Andrew” in the newsroom. People noticed when she did good work, and when she showed off her sports expertise. She took the situation, and used it all to her advantage. With those words, I saw the power in re-framing a perceived detriment to a become advantage. I was so thrilled to have the chance to maybe inspire other kids to stick with sports media, and especially my fellow females. It was also fun getting to network with media personalities, and hear what young students think about the current state of media. I really hope I get to do more of these talks in the future.

December 10, 2017 

Toronto FC finally won the MLS Cup, and I was lucky enough to be in the stands for it! After being a fan of this team through so many difficult years, and watching them come SO CLOSE last year, I really didn’t know whether they’d be successful this year. It’s moments like these, too, that also remind me why I work in sports, and love it. I am so lucky to be involved in so much at my job. Sports have given me the chance to meet so many new people, challenge myself, and make new friends. I wouldn’t trade my line of work for any other area of the media business.

Hadn’t showered in like two days, but it was worth it

May 19, 2017

Years ago, if you had asked me what my Bucket List would contain – somewhere on it I would have had Algonquin Park listed on it. This year, thanks to Sean & his friend Chris, I was finally able to cross that off! We portaged into Lake Louisa via Rock Lake. Carrying all of our supplies was no joke, but so rewarding once we arrived at camp.

I camped a lot as a kid, but it was always car camping. This was my first time where I was off the grid. It was a little scary. I was definitely terrified of a bear attacking us at night, and didn’t sleep well at all. And even though it was May, it was still quite chilly in the Park. I think I wore about 5 layers at all times during the entire weekend. But I’d do it all over again in a second. I love everything about camping. You have the fresh air, the peace & quiet, campfires, hiking, and for the first time in my life I canoed! I really hope we get an opportunity to go back, I miss the beauty of Algonquin so much already.

Also, the best part of the weekend was being completely shut off from social media and our cell phones. With no service, there was no temptation to scroll mindlessly through Instagram or Twitter. Instead, I opened my eyes and absorbed every inch of scenery around me.

Not to mention, camping is another great cure for anxiety. You don’t have time during the day to be scared because you are just too busy! When you camp, everything is an ordeal. Want a cup of tea? Time to find the kettle, collect some water, start a small fire for the burner, wait forever for the water to boil, well you get the idea! There’s always something to be done, and it requires your focus. If I tried to even start worrying about something random while chopping wood, well I probably would have needed to be airlifted out of the park. It’s a great way to remind myself that being mindful and focusing on what’s right in front of me, is the best way to keep my anxiety from taking over.

Beautiful Algonquin (Lake Louisa)

August 26, 2017 

I can honestly say this was an unremarkable day by most standards. We didn’t do anything fancy. But it was one of the rare nights this summer that Sean & I just got to sit, and relax on our balcony. We enjoyed a warm summer evening, listening to new music, and enjoying the view of the city. To me, it was the perfect way to spend a night together. The summer was such a busy one this year, so I am thankful we got a little downtime together. As I usually find each year, it’s often the little moments that can stand out the most.

March 25, 2017

I know, I know. A little lame to put my own birthday party on this list, but I’m doing it anyways. With my confidence issues, it’s very easy for me to convince myself that I am not worthy of my friends. I can sometimes feel like I am just not good enough for them, and that one day, they’ll all realize this and stop hanging out with me. But on this night, they all reminded me that I am loved, and appreciated by so many different people. And we also discovered that ax throwing is the best way to spend a birthday party!

May 7, 2017/October 22, 2017

This is really a 2-for-1 since both of these dates were road races I completed this year. And both times I went into them with a lot of doubt. For the Goodlife 10km in May, I did not feel ready. I had been focusing on cycling, and didn’t train properly. My original goal had been in under an hour, but I adjusted my expectations. I was embarrassed with myself, and thought I was a failure. I thought that people would see my finish time and think “what a loser, she does all that training and still can’t run 10km in under an hour?” It was the same for the Scotiabank 5km in October. I knew I wouldn’t finish in under 30 minutes, and feared I’d barely get in under 45 minutes. For Scotiabank, it was my nerve injury. I had run only a handful of times before the race.

But with both races, I exceeded my expectations. I have to keep reminding myself that my finish time isn’t always important – and that often setting such high expectations of myself when I am not 100% isn’t going to do my confidence any favours. Instead, I need to remember that I still achieved it, and still attempted it. That’s all I can really ask of myself.

November 30, 2017

Sadly, like 2016, in 2017 I said goodbye to another grandparent. This time it was my Grandmother on my father’s side. It was a bittersweet day for a number of reasons. I wasn’t terribly close to my Grandmother, but I always knew she was proud of me, and loved me. But she was a bit of a mystery to me. Her and my grandfather moved from Welland to Elmira before I was born, and she remained there even after my grandfather passed away of a heart attack in 1982. It was at her funeral I learned the extent of her “other life”. What broke my heart was just seeing how many people she impacted throughout her life. I was sad for those who loved her dearly, and now had to say goodbye. I was also sad because, as with all deaths, it’s that final realization that you’ll never get that time back with that person. I will now never have the chance to know my grandmother better, and that saddens me. But, I am trying to see this as an excellent reminder not to let me anxiety hold me back, and live life fully.

July 29, 2017 

We actually made a big decision that will impact 2018 more than it did in 2017 – we officially booked our plane tickets to South Africa! We’re heading there in just a few months, with our good friends Peter & Giles. The trip has been in the works for a long time, but to actually put a real date on our departure, was a big moment. We’ll be gone for nearly a month, so it’s definitely the biggest travel undertaking I’ve ever experienced! (Oh… and that night we went on to enjoy a fun BBQ hosted by our friends Alan & Amanda)

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And that’s 2017 in a nutshell! It was another incredible year, and one that truly felt like it went by too fast. I really hope time slows down a little in 2018, so I can stop and enjoy the little moments a little more.

I don’t have many new resolutions for this year, but it’s much of the same as last – stop beating myself up over the things I cannot control, and don’t let my anxiety stop me from experiencing new and memorable things.

Have a great holiday season everyone, and stay tuned for the Top Live Bands of 2017!